*I was going to write about John Stamos, just to finish off Full House Week, but decided it was a bit much. Plus it is far too early to reveal just how much I love John Stamos.*

Matt never used to watch television with me.

He does now, and is continuously amazed at what he is witnessing (I am amazed at his amazement, but that is not the point here). Whether it is because I am a girl, overly hormonal or didn’t have adequate exposure to television as a child, I become overly emotionally involved in the characters on screen. They make me laugh, make me cry, exasperate me, anger me and inspire me. However, one consistent reaction to the various shows I watch results in Matt saying

“You really hate women.”

It’s not my fault. Female characters on television today aren’t adequate role models or engaging characters. It doesn’t help that there are very few female led shows on television today. The New Adventures of an Old Christine stars Julia Louis- Dreyfus- who I love- but represents Christine as a bumbling floozy- which I hate. Right now I can only think of two female characters on television I like- Liz on 30 Rock and Liz on Nip/ Tuck. The problems with these examples are that liz on Nip/Tuck isn’t on the show that often. When she is, she is largely in the background to the shenanigans Christian, Sean and their family get into. I am certain if she got more airtime, I would hate her. Also, I have yet to see any of season four and apparently she dates Alanis Morrisette. I am so prepared to change my tune. Liz on 30 Rock is a great character- smart, funny and screwed-up but is largely shown up by the brilliance that is Alec Baldwin on an inconsistent but promising show. (Unforntunately, in the last episode I saw, Liz told the dumb blonde character she wanted to be more like her and this made me 37 different kinds of angry).

So I will take a moment to look at a few shows I watch consistently and attempt to demonstrate that, really, you should be a chauvinist too.

Studio 60
This is the most disappointing show on television. It is like watching a train wreck. It is awful, you know its going to be awful ,but you can’t look away because first, you are hoping for a miracle and want to see it and second, even if it’s the worst thing you could possibly ever see ever, you really want to see it. It can’t be that bad, you think. And then it is, in fact, that bad.

Aaron Sorkin USED to write dynamic, engaging, smart and charismatic female characters. The West Wing was overflowing with these women. Women I wanted to be friends with. Women I wanted to exist in real life so I could look up to. And somewhere, after all his cocaine-snorting, Kristen Chenoweth drama, he forgot what good female leads act like.

And that’s the problem with his two female leads in Studio 60: Jordan and Harriet.

Jordan is a bumbling idiot who somehow stumbled upon a network president position and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. She is mouthy and dumb and annoying. Additionally, Amanda Peet was poorly mis-cast. She is about ten years too young to be playing this role the way it should be played. Catherine Keener, Allison Janney- or my personal choice- Lauren Graham- could take the idiocy of Jordan’s character and turn it into balls. (Additionally, Lauren could keep up with the rapidly paced dialogue Peet has so much trouble with. At least the Gilmore Girls gave her one thing).

Harriet has yet to prove to me she is the brilliant, hilarious and deserving person every other character on the show claims she is. Sarah Paulson is working as hard as she can- she is an impressive impersonator, despite the poorly written sketches- but Harriet is not smart. She is not funny. She has the naiveté of a twelve year old girl in Sunday School (I know she used to be that girl, but she’s like 35 now. Please grow up). It is obvious Sorkin is working out his ridiculous relationship issues with Harriet, but that still doesn’t validate a weak, whiny and un-funny character that is supposed to be the opposite of all those things. (If she is in fact supposed to be all those things and I am missing something huge here, then I am very very sorry).

There are a million other things wrong with this show. But if I was given a reason to like these women, looking past Aaron Sorkin’s preachiness and self-indulgence, it would be that much easier to watch.

House
I love House. I think it is a well written show with brilliant characters (although the latest episode made me angry, Wilson is the most useless character I have ever encountered, I can’t decide if I love or hate Chase and almost every story arc they have had makes me want to gauge my eyes out). But Cameron is the most inconsistent character on television. Can’t she be pretty, flawed, eager, and hard-working without being an emotional baby with a hang-up on House? I know House hired her because she is ‘extremely pretty’ (and I LOVE that by the way), but that still doesn’t validate her weakness as a character. Her character is written with the mood swings of a forty year old woman with the worst menopause known to man-kind. And all I can ask is why? Suck it up and play the game Cameron. You’re pretty. You’re not as smart as everyone else. House doesn’t like you anymore. Suck it up and act like a doctor.

(Cameron does win Best Bangs I Have Ever Seen Award hands down. So she can’t be all bad).

Cuddy is different. I love her. However, I live in constant fear that her soft spot for House does not stem from a deeply rooted fear of losing her best doctor, but from a soft spot for House himself. This would kill Cuddy for me. First, because House does not deserve the two main female characters in love with him. He’s an asshole. Let’s remember this aside form his medical brilliance. Second, because it represents almost every major female character on television desperate for love, affection and acceptance. Why can’t different things drive different characters? WHY?

Amazing Race 10
This season was supposed to bring it.

No, not the greatest reality show sequence known to man (Rob. Kim. Tomatoes. Need I say more?) but the first all-female team to win it all! They stacked the competition: two teams of athletic, young, college educated females- as close to the alpha male teams that dominate the competition as you get. However, one of these teams fulfilled the ditzy cheerleader stereotype and got booted early because of their sheer stupidity. The other team- the Beauty Queens- proved to be excellent Racers (okay, excellent Fern recruiters) who were up for the physical challenges. But whether it was the editing, or if Dustin and Kandice (what kind of names are these? Really. Dustin? Like Dusting? Like a chore? And who spells Kandice like this? I can accept a single altered letter- I have a friend named Kristine after all- but TWO is far too many. I think my hatred of them is slightly biased because of this fact alone) were portrayed in an accurate light. What I mean is, they were cocky, and arrogant little bitches. How can I like two girls who are prettier than me, probably in better shape than me, and definitely now more famous than me, who not only know it but slam it in my face every time they are on camera. And I wasn’t even racing against them!!

Lynn and Karlyn were though. I was rooting for them. They were as anti- Dustin and Kandice as a team could get: overworked, underpaid, overweight and average looking single moms. They were underestimated the entire time, but in the end proved to be one of the smartest (though it has been argued, luckiest) teams there. Yet, they consistently came across as lazy, whiny and angry bitches.

So who do I choose? Both teams would spit in my face if I were ever to be in competition with them (in all fairness, I would spit back) but if Dustin and Kandice end up racing on Amazing Race 11: All Stars (which is apparently structured AGAIN for a female/female team win) I will spend every episode screaming until they are gone.

(I will be screaming until Rob and Amber are gone too. So really, I should watch this show alone. If only so Matt can keep his hearing for another couple years).

In conclusion, I’m going with neither. Eventually an all female team who is competitive will be pleasing to watch will come along and kick everyone’s ass. (This would be my team if they’d let international teams in. I’m athletic. I’m charming. I’m competitive. I’m smart. I’m photogenic. I’d be GREAT tv! Oh, and I’m modest too!)

So……
Ironically, the very show that best proves my point-America’s Next Top Model- brought us the funniest female reality show star I have ever seen. Oh, Eugena was boring. She had no personality. She was a terrible model. But her spot-on descriptions of her characters, the evident apathy towards the competition, and her ability to play Tyra like a fiddle (well if fiddles were easy to play. Which I am pretty sure they are not. So maybe a pot is a better analogy. Tyra is a pot and Eugena was a four year savant with a wooden spoon) made me love her. And it gave me hope.

I’m sure I could find flaws that inspire pure hatred with every single character- male or female- currently on television (I secretly can’t stand Jim on The Office, but don’t like to talk about this much for fear of losing friends). I just want so badly to like someone on television. I am not asking for these characters to be perfect. I’m just asking for female characters that, when watching them, you are cheering for them, shooting them down, caring for them, crying about them, or hating them for the right reasons, not wondering ‘How the hell did they get here?’

Be Sociable, Share!

•