Oh wow, did things ever happen this week! An astronaut went crazy! Anna Nicole Smith died! Phyllis got married! I momentarily broke this site to the point of no return! But really, if I tell you everything now, you will have nothing to read below the cut.

Here are some of my favorite things from this week:

Anna Nicole Smith

Well, its not very nice of me to say this is one of my favorite things. However, it is an event that cannot be ignored. CBC reported it! CNN reported it! That means its actual news! I guess it would be more appropriate to say this was an important event, entertainment-wise, this week. Who will we have to entertain us with an E! Reality show? Who will try to sell us Trim Spa with that seductive come-hither voice? Who else will mesmerize us with their publicly bizarre personal life? But more importantly, who will get that money? This case might end up being one of the most interesting legal cases the entertainment industry has seen. She hasn’t won the case yet. But she has a baby! Whose father is still legally unknown! Plus, Howard K. Stern and Anna weren’t legally married, only ‘committed’. It might go crazy, but with my luck, it’ll end up thrown out like yesterday’s news’ badly done crossword puzzle. To keep updated, People Magazine is providing quality entertainment reporting to answer all my questions and more!

Theories as to why Anna Nicole died

• Dannielynn concocted an elaborate scheme in an attempt to ensure her multi-million dollar inheritance out of pity.
• Howard K. Stern finally realized all the time he wasted representing this woman.
• Drugs. Hey, her mom said it first!
• She felt the need to one-up Paris and Britney in the ultimate battle for tabloid coverage.
• TrimSpa did it. Boys and girls, diet pills are dangerous.
• She was the victim of the Mooninte bombs that shut down Boston last week. The police were right!
  
• She isn’t really dead, its just a ploy to ensure her next reality show is a huge success. Anna Nicole: Back From the dead!
• She had an affair with Lisa Nowak’s lover. And we all know what happens when someone does that.

This list feels like it’s in poor taste, and I almost feel guilty. But if anyone else has seen Anna Nicole: E! True Hollywood Story, you will understand my pain. That might have been the worst E! True Hollywood Story ever. But I know, deep down, I’m not the only one making fun of this.

I will say this though, may Anna Nicole finally rest in peace. And maybe Paris will follow her lead and take an early exit. It’s the quickest way to infamy, you know.

Warning: Moon Dust Might Cause Craziness

When you think about it, an astronaut going crazy isn’t all that surprising. They spend their entire lives training to spend hours upon hours in a big bulky suit designed for self urination. And the eat freeze dried everything! And then when they finally get into space, they probably realize that there is nothing there! Nothing! Well, yeah, there are stars and asteroids and stuff, but its a far step away from Lunar Jim and The Jetsons. And when they get back to earth, they are supposed to have amazing stories of adventure and bravery and perhaps aliens and explosions, and they’ve got nothing.

I bet once you get used to being weightless it’s the most anti-climatic experience ever. And no one will understand that except fellow astronauts.

So when Lisa Nowak’s one chance at having a truly fulfilling life-true love does conquer all- came crashing down, she decided what she needed to do was what she had spent her whole life hoping to do to extra-terrestrial invaders (not unlike Will Smith in Independence Day) to the bitch who stole her man. It’s like an episode of Flavor of Love! In space! With astronaut suits! Or at least with diapers and guns. (Hey, a girl needed a pair in the first episode of season two. I bet that would have gone differently if she had had astronaut training.)

Sci-Tech Today confirms:

The love triangle gone wrong has captured US media attention with details that alleged Nowak wore diapers as astronauts do on long flights to avoid stops on the drive, used a disguise and carried a variety of weapons.

Adult diapers takes dedication.

Even though she failed, and might end up in jail, she is no longer ‘that lady astronaut with the bad hair’ but ‘the reason NASA adopted rigorous psychological screening tests for potential space-walkers’.

Also impressive: how damn fast those people who edit Wikipedia are.

Hey, at least she’s getting a tv movie made out of the deal. She’ll be right up there with Amy Fisher and Karla Homolka. And no one even died.

And speaking of crazy….

I’ll admit it, I have a fascination with Tyra Banks. Mostly because she is so damn crazy, but not in a Naomi-Campbell-cell-phone-throwing-hissy-fit sort of way. Tyra has a god-mama-Oprah complex, in which she thinks she is all these people at once. The fact she is crazy fuels my love of America’s Next Top Model (the craziness of the contestants helps matters too). I know this video has been you YouTube for a while, but I feel the need to share it with everyone. Its the epitome of Tyra Banks’ career (and craziness).

What I really don’t understand is why the crowd is going spastic. It’s Vaseline, you fucking morons. It costs like two dollars at your local Shopper’s Drug Mart. If you want real talk show host gifts go on Oprah. At least she gives out cars.

(Also worth a look: her ‘panty party’. Seriously.)

The moral of this week: girls are fucking crazy. And then they die. Or try to kill someone.

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