Oh Full House. Love it or hate it, we all watched it and all remember it. And now, whenever we see Mary-Kate or Ashley smoking, drinking or starving we stop and wonder, what happened to them? They were so cute on that show! Well, as the Dixie Chicks poorly covered, ‘time makes you bolder/ Children get older/ I’m getting older too’. We are all getting older, even Michelle Tanner. She will, however, live on in our hearts and through syndication.

Full House was so monumental, and so influential. With plot lines like ‘DJ is wearing the same dress as the popular girl!’, ‘the kitchen wall was smashed in!’- this happened twice- and my personal favourite, ‘the creation of a successful all-ages-family-oriented music club where Kimmy Gibbler is a waitress’, that always ended in puppies, flowers and happiness in 22 minutes or less, Full House taught me how to live, how to love, how to lie, and most importantly, how to laugh.

So, what qualifies as Full House greatness? Well, after much thought, and internet research, I have compiled a list of the 10 greatest things that would not exist in pop culture today if it were not for Full House. So kick back, relax and enjoy the guilty pleasure that is the Full House alumni and their current B-list (and C-list and D-list) endeavors!

The 10 Greatest Full House Gifts to Popular Culture

Honourable Mention:Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate and Ashley are fascinating creatures. They run one of the biggest and richest ‘tween oriented companies on the planet. They own a PR firm that represents Al Gore, Snoop Dogg, Jennifer Garner, Chris Rock, Lindsay Lohan, Katie Holmes, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, and Jon Stewart, just to drop a few names. Their movies suck, they have no talent, and really they don’t do anything. This lack of anything-ness is what prevents them from actually getting on the list. However, it would be impossible to write anything about Full House without including them. Ladies and gentlemen, they are self-made half-size Paris Hiltons. They are just as rich, just as dumb, just as useless and just as fascinating. If New York Minute was awesomely bad we could applaud their ability to make fun of themselves and their celebrity. But, no, it was just plain awful. They make Lindsay, Britney, Nicole, and even Paris, look like talented and true thespians.

However, no one can ever take away this from them: “You got it, dude!”

#10: The religion inspired by Bob Saget

Oh, Danny Tanner. He taught us so much, didn’t he? He taught his young, motherless daughters several life lessons, the most important being how to be clean. And yet, Bob Saget was so much more! He was the annoying host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, and a shockingly dirty comic. No wonder there is an internet church dedicated to all that is Bob. Yes, it may be a simple webpage, but it’s not about what it looks like. It is about what is represents. And where would we all be without the moral guidance of Danny Tanner, the warm and family oriented laughter of those home movies, and the imminent shock of hearing Bob’s stand-up for the first time? Nowhere, that’s where.

#9: 1 vs. 100

Now, Bob has re-emerged as a prime time star on NBC! Earlier, Matt theorized as to why, Bob Saget of all people, was chosen for this endeavour. Regardless of why, 1 vs. 100 is the best game show on television right now (yes, Howie, it is better than your show). It’s not the concept, nor the contestants (both are annoyingly simple) nor the myriad of D- list celebrities (K-Fed! Wink Martindale! The infomercial guys! Adam West! Fabio! The list is endless!) Rather, it’s Bob’s own disbelief that he is hosting a game show, and his charming-yet-rude comments to anyone and everyone that makes it worth watching.

The clip below might be of the stupidest contestant ever in game show history:

#8: Candace Cameron finds Jesus

While she has never gone public with her opinion about her former television father’s own church, she has made it very clear in recent times that she loves Jesus. A lot. The best thing about this newfound love for Jesus? She stars in a movie with Randy Travis! Who else doesn’t love these country-singers-turned-actors? My personal favourite was when Randy was on Hey Arnold as country singer Travis Randall, but I am digressing.

Back to Jesus! Yes, Jesus! Full House has produced an interesting variety of former child stars. Whether you want to grow with God or try some meth (more on that later) or just starve yourself in oblivion, there is a role model for you!

#7: Andrea Who?

In my research for this article, I was astonished to find out that Andrea Barber- the one who played Kimmy- was leading a completely normal life. That’s not supposed to happen! She was a child star! And played a kooky character? Why isn’t SHE the one hooked on meth? All my child star theories have gone out the window, and its all Kimmy’s fault. I never liked her anyways.

However, the fact she is normal, is married, has a baby and has a normal job and no psychosomatic conditions to speak of, gives me hope. The path of a child star is not necessarily one of destruction. It’s a little ironic, don’t you think (foreshadow!) that Kimmy, of everyone who was on this show, is the normal one. It really breaks-down the world that was early nineties family-oreinted television. Perhaps she should become a life coach for Lindsay and Mary-Kate and all their pals. Or give motivational seminars. ‘How to be Normal Without Really Trying’ by Andrea Barber. It has potential.

#6: Stephanie Tanner, Recovering Addict

Well, if any one of the Tanner girls was going to become a druggie, Stephanie was the obvious choice. The under-appreciated overachiever has been heading down the dark dark road since Gia showed up on set. Who knew this would transfer over into real life? Now I know this isn’t new news, but it is in such a stark contrast to the goodness of Candace Cameron, you have to wonder how it all happened, despite it’s obvious inevitability. Was it the neglect? The bad influence of Uncle Jesse? Of Gia?The ruined dance career? The young marriage to a police officer? Living in Mary-Kate and Ashley’s shadow? The hard and fast lifestyle of being a former child star? Who knows? The best part of it all, is that John, Mary-Kate, Ashley, and Dave staged an intervention. That’s the kind of love that Full House was about. That and the desire to get in the news anyway one can after their career has tanked (This goes for all involved! Name one truly successful post-Full House career! Mary-Kate and Ashley don’t count! See? It’s tough! You’re stuck! Like a truck! In mud!)

#5: Candace and her Moral Movies

Now Jodie really should have taken a hint from Candace. If she wasn’t going to listen about Jesus, she should have went down to her local Blockbuster- or turned on the Women’s Network at any given moment- and Candace would be there, like the good friend and tv sister she is, to warn her about the dangers of drugs. And premarital sex (I wonder if that’s why Jodie got married at 20?!). And frat boys. And that it’s okay to say no. And anything else mildly bad any teenager or college student would encounter, Candace has covered it.

My personal favorite: She Cried No. Candace plays a college freshman who gets date-raped by Mark-Paul Gosselaar! Zack Morris! The boy who stopped time, wore loud sweaters, had an adorable cowlick and usually got the girl! Shocking, I say. Also, this movie is a who’s who of teen television stars: Six from Blossom plays Candace’s best friend, who (spoiler ahead) also gets raped.Oh, the drama is almost too much to take.

#4: John Stamos on ER

You have to feel bad for John Stamos. Playing Uncle Jesse has pushed him so far into a corner, it was impossible for him to act his way out of it. Thieves failed because nobody wanted Uncle Jesse to be a really bad guy! Just a pseudo-bad guy who, deep down has a heart of gold. Jake in Progress was just terrible. After a string of (brilliant!) guest appearances, Stamos is making his mark on prime-time television yet again. He is single handedly saving ER.

He plays a paramedic-turned-doctor! Who is a war vet! Who is illiterate! Also, I am fairly certain the writer at ER don’t even give him lines, they just put Stamos on set and let him react to stuff.

John Stamos’ thoughts while on set: She’s hot, I’d do her. This guy is an ass, I want to punch him! I want to stir some shit up, man. This is boring. Now, I’ll just wander around, hitting on girls, saving lives and being a cocky ass. What’s up? Be cool. Yeah, I am one super cool dude.

Here is a clip from when he was a lowly paramedic. There are better clips out there, but I am far too busy and important to wade through them all.

#3: I am Stamos

Back during the dark ages for Stamos, when his best part was a guest spot on Friends, some guys decided to make a short film about what it would be like to be John Stamos. After years of searching, the wonders of youtube has brought it to my very door with no effort whatsoever. I now delight in sharing the entire short film with you:
(warning: it’s 18:09 long. But so very very worth it).

#2: You Oughta Know

Back in grade six, Alanis Morissette was the shit. Jagged Little Pill had just come out and it was so angsty and raw and edgy, me and all my pre-teen friends needed it right that very second. Oh, you did too, don’t deny it. Even a decade later (fuck, I am old!) her angst rings true.

Rumor has it, one of her fiercer (okay, scarier….I would not want to be Alanis’ ex) songs, “You Oughta Know”, was written about Dave Coulier after he dumped her crazy Canadian ass. Yes, Joey! The man with the Popeye voice, creator of “cut it out”- complete with hand motion!- and who lived in an alcove in the living room for the first season! Just as it was shocking Bob Saget could be so dirty, the fact Dave Coulier could break someone’s heart to the point she felt the need to scream into a microphone ‘is she perverted like me/does she go done on you in the theater’ is equally shocking! Equally Stunning! Equally Appalling! Between Bob joking about raunchy sex and Dave actually doing it, it’s no wonder Mary-Kate and Ashley are crazy, Jodie is a drug addict and Candace found Jesus.

It also made me wonder what movie Alanis and Dave went to the night she went down on him.

#1: Rollin’ wit Saget

This music video requires no introduction:

Oh Bob. My respect for him grows more and more each and every day.

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