So this post somehow managed to get to the front page of digg last Thursday, which cements once and for all that my true talent is writing quick, pithy and overtly sexualized comments about video games. I’ve tried to fight it, but the writing was on the wall years ago — I’m at my best when I’m making thinly veiled references to Yoshi’s penis.

Getting dugg was quite an experience, and I definitely didn’t come out of it empty-handed. I learned a lot about the internet, writing, creativity and myself. Presented here are the five most significant lessons getting dugg has taught me. It is my hope that you will take these and find an application for them in your own life. My ultimate goal is to be a great inspiration to all of you.

Five Things I Learned From Getting Dugg

1. Getting dugg is not LIFE-AFFIRMING

This was perhaps the harshest lesson. It was really tempting, as the hits rolled in, followed by the accolades, followed by the offers of marriage, followed (out of order, I think) by the offers of physical expressions of love, to let my ego swell to a size unparalleled by any other. But it was not long before harsh reality set in. Just because people were charmed with an sexually-explicit animated gif of Tetris blocks does mean they really cared about me. Very few of them bothered to click around the site and read our wonderful articles about game shows, TV programming and Erin’s weird Full House obsession. In fact, most of the people who visited and dugg did not even bother to learn my name. Needless to say, this was all unlike anything that has ever happened to me before.

2. Getting dugg is FLEETING

Another harsh truth. See, before I stumbled upon the clearly brilliant idea of insinuating that Doc Louis and Little Mac redefined the term “body blow” in a completely wonderful way1, this site commanded a pretty small audience. Like less than 100 visitors a day. The day I got dugg: 13,384 visitors. A ridiculous number! But then tragedy struck. The day after saw a comparatively disappointing 3,404 visitors. The day after that? 818. At this rate the trend is so downward-focused that in a few days we will be at negative visitors. And I don’t even know how that works outside of a highly theoretical context that I would imagine involves string theory.

3. Getting dugg is BAFFLING

I didn’t expect an article about Nintendo romances to be taken seriously in internet circles. Apparently, that was a terrible mistake. All across the internet people were trying to tear my choices down. From arguing that my reasons for excluding Link and Zelda were unfair (my response: nuh uh!) to pointing out that the Ice Climbers are actually siblings (my response: big deal!) to suggesting that I am a moron for not including some characters from Final Fantasy or whatever (my response: I will kill you in your sleep), the article inspired outrage from the unlikeliest of places. And then there was the international audience. From French to, I think, Russian, I got visitors from all over the world. I don’t really understand why, though. Did they just enjoy the pictures? Because I totally stole those from google.2

4. Getting dugg is DANGEROUS

Seconds after I made the front page, I received this e-mail from Dreamhost:

Unfortunately your “be-something.com” web site had to be disabled because
it was overloading the server. I renamed the index.php file to
index.php.disabled-by-dh.

I’m not one to hold a grudge, really. I think all told I paid dreamhost like seventy cents to host this site for a year, so I can hardly fault them for taking action against me. Sure, I was kind of worried that it would eliminate my chances of being an internet superstar but then, well, see #1.

Nevertheless, it all shows just how ridiculous the so-called digg effect can be. They goddamned swarmed me like a bunch of bees. The bulk of those 13,000 visits came within a two-hour period.

I reenabled my site about a half hour after this e-mail, once the article had dropped a few spots, only to see the exact same thing happen. Digg users are relentless and unfortunately they’re even too much for dreamhost’s servers. I guess to be a real superstar you need to spend more than seventy cents on hosting.

5. Getting dugg is ADDICTIVE

It is. I’m not ashamed to admit. I didn’t think being so much in the public eye would be such a thrill, but Erin and I were stuck watching our stats page all day. Sure, some of it is an ego thing, but mostly it just becomes a game. It’s all so very exciting: to see how high that line graph will go, to watch the weird and then weirder referrals come in, to read the comments from pissed off internet people who demand you do things differently.

I want to do it again.

Do not judge me. You’d think the exact same way if you were in my position. Suddenly I think of how everything I write here could, potentially, be a top 10 list. And how I should appeal to nerd culture more. And how everything needs to be topical. It gets ridiculous. President’s Day could lead to the Top 10 Video Game Presidents. St. Patrick’s Day could lead to the Top 10 Green Characters in Video Game History. Easter could lead to the Top 10 Bloodiest Video Game Deaths. Arbor Day could lead to the Top 10 Most Awesome Video Game Trees.

It does not stop.

This is probably the lamest addiction in existence. Even people who huff gasoline have more credibility and self-worth than I do. But I will make it, even if it takes me until next Labour Day. Which is when I will publish my “Top 10 Most Industrious Video Game Characters” list, which as of now mainly consists of Pikmin, Lemmings and that shopkeeper from Resident Evil 4 who kept working despite the surrounding townspeoples’ newfound taste for flesh and burning things.

1. I was searching for a joke here that made reference to those little stools boxers have in their corners but it kept coming out far far too dirty.
2. Except the Tetris one, of course. I made that one because I am nothing if not a champion of cheap jokes.