Oh man, what a week this was. Potentially one of the best weeks in recent memory. Way better than that week with all the revelry and gift-giving. Christmas, they called that one. It was a letdown. But this week? This was all about drama and loss and rehabilitation. Alliances were formed, wars were fought, people were separated into teams of haves and have-nots. It was, for all intents and purposes, a week of wonder.

The following are some of the best things that happened this past week:

Britney Spears Enters Rehab, Goes Bald, Leaves Rehab

Damn, Britney Spears. It seems like just yesterday I was learning all the words to “Oops I did it Again” and watching you writhe around on Mars with some alien dudes in skin-tight leather. (In the video to that song) Who could’ve foreseen that things would go so downhill? Just look at these headlines:

• Britney Spears’ Manager Says She Is Not a Suicide Risk
• Britney Spears Has Been Taking Ecstasy and Cocaine For Years
• Paparazzi catch Britney Spears attacking SUV with umbrella
• Courtney Love Supports Britney Spears
• Anna Nicole Smith Tried to Befriend Britney Spears

Look at those. Each more terrible than the last. That’s the kind of bad press usually reserved for deposed dictators and prominent Scientologists. It’s like instead of writing her next album, she’s living an album — a weird concept album — and each track brings with it bizarre lyrics, a fractured chorus and hooks that only really work because they’re so goddamn weird.

I’ve heard rumour that she shaved her head to beat a drug test, which seems plausible, as she’s facing a custody battle with Kevin Federline. But where’s the logic behind beating an SUV with an umbrella? How do you even spin that in a courtroom? “I was demonstrating, your honour, how I would protect my children from a large SUV-shaped bear, were we to be attacked in the woods.”

The thing is, I’m generally pretty sympathetic to these sorts of things. Sure, it’s whacked out and bizarre and sad behaviour, but no one could ever argue that bizarre and irresponsible behaviour is uncommon amongst people in their mid-20s. You see it all the time both in real life and on other TV shows. Hell, A&E’s Intervention is a showcase for girls who have had babies, done a lot of drugs and gotten mixed-up with gold-chain-laden guys with names like “West-Pac”, “Tiz-Tray” and “Rocka Fella DownTown Brown, Docta of Funk and Bitches.”

The difference is, of course, that they never sang a song we kind of liked.

Really, though, at least now she has an interesting career. She could write books now that I would consider reading. Hell, I’d probably go see Crossroads 2, provided it was about drug use, umbrella-on-SUV violence and screwing the wrong guy. And if it still had Dan Ackroyd in it. I love him.

Two Headed-Girl, Put On Sunday Shoes, And Dance Round the Room

Just watch it.

Look, I get that we’re supposed to see that they’re living a relatively normal life and all, and perhaps it makes this is a bit insensitive to say, but that girl has two heads. That is difficult to get over! Because, well, sure, it’s important to be tolerant and accepting — and I think I could be friends with the two-headed girl provided I only had to buy them one present on their birthday — but everyone in this video seems way too nonchalant about things. She/they has/have two heads. It’s confusing even from a grammatical perspective!

Fascinating, though. Dating, however, seems like it would be incredibly awkward. Also, I bet when they get mad at each other it kinds of ends up like a Three Stooges short with a lot of slaps and eye-poking and mutual pain.

School Violence: The Danger At Home. At School

So Iroquois Ridge High School in Oakville, Ontario, was subject to threats of violence this week. I didn’t go to Iroquois Ridge, but my high school was close enough that I was there pretty frequently. So this story had a particular relevance to me:

Only between 300 and 400 of the 1,250 students at Iroquois Ridge High School attended classes today because of words found earlier this week in a boys washroom that indicated the school would be targeted for an attack today, Halton police said this afternoon.

I know school violence isn’t supposed to be funny, but this is kind of funny. First off, I doubt those 800 students stayed home because of the perceived threat. They skipped school because, hell, they’ll take any reason to skip school. When I was in high school I skipped class if it looked like it might rain. A perceived school shooting threat would be cause for me to skip an entire week. That’s just the way high school works.

Second, it’s unfortunate that these things have to be taken so damn seriously. I know why they do — and it’s very tragic — but the reality is is that all sorts of untrue stuff is written on bathroom walls. Hell, if police are investigating this, they should probably also investigate the rumour that “Tommy Sanders Is A Fag”, that “Cindy Morse Sluts It Up Big-Time” or that “Jack [was] nimble, Jack [was] quick, Jack burned off his fucking dick.”

But those leads are probably dead-ends.

More next week!

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