“The Girl Who Won’t Stop Talking” spoilers below:

Things that happened

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time again for the wonderful craziness that is Tyra Banks and her funhouse of equally crazy judges and wannabe models. Now I know you are all thinking ‘What? Erin is going to ruin this website by being a giiiiiiiirl and recapping giiiiiiiirl shows’ but Matt loves it too (don’t tell him I told you this!) so I’m going to recap away. Besides, America’s Next Top Model is beyond hilarious with all the egos and insanity. Seriously, this episode involved stepping, pseudo-political statements, a thrift store fashion show, a crazy foreigner, a crazy New Yorker, and a crazy Tyra. What more could any television show viewer ask for?

First off, they have flown 24 semi-finalists to Los Angeles for ‘model boot camp’. Jay and J yell and shout in their overly girlie way, and prep them to meet Tyra, who makes and entrance by stepping. Now, I’m not sure how stepping and the military are connected, but since my only experience with stepping has been the awesomely terrible previews of Stomp the Yard, I won’t really question it. This is followed by the interviews, cuts to 20 girls via party invitations. If you didn’t get an invitation it’s because you weren’t cool enough to be invited to Tyra’s party. At the party, there is a pseudo-photo shoot and after that, overly dramatic cuts from 20 to 13 in a field at night and dark background music.

Here are the 13 chosen ones:

• Kathleen: an idiot (seriously) from Brooklyn with a big attitude and big hair. She’s hilarious but boy is she dumb. Example quote: “I’m not anti-fur ’cause fur makes you look, like, hot.”
• Whitney: henceforth known as the fat black girl (I’m not being bigoted seeing as there’s….)
• Diana: the fat white girl. Now, calling these girls fat is not fair at all, because they look completely normal. The other girls are insanely skinny, with ribs protruding from unnatural places. Including…..
• Jaslene: the Latina girl, with the squarest jaw and skinniest legs I’ve ever seen. She wins the ‘most likely to be a transvestite’ award. She reminds me of Sophia Lopez from the first seasons of Nip/Tuck.
• Brittany: looks completely normal. Like, went to my high school and now works at Wal-Mart normal.
• Sarah: the Anne Heche look alike. Well, when Anne was a crazy lesbian. Also, Sarah is 20 and has supposedly already acted, modeled and is a professional photographer, so I’m guessing she is as crazy as Anne was too.
• Dionne: there wasn’t too many clips of her, but she never shuts up and looks a lot like Danielle, the winner of Cycle Seven. And repetition is never good. Oh, and her two passions are modeling and denistry. What the…..?
• Felicia: she looks like Tyra. But is far more boring.
• Samantha: pretty, quiet, Southern. Miss J likes her. She didn’t get a lot of screen time which means she isn’t insane or stupid or awful.
• Jael: a tall, ‘punky’ girl who Tyra really likes becuase she is 1) super insecure and 2) super multi-cultural
• Renee: a girl who totally got knocked up by accident and is now using her baby (who is so named Braedon or Jayden or something equally Britney Spears-esque) as ‘the reason for this competition’. She also hates people who have talent.
• Cassandra: uhh…..she has a lot of hair.
• Natasha: a mail-order bride from Russia who now lives in Texas. Now, the editors have been very nice and haven’t let the term ‘mail order bride’ slip onto tv, but her husband is forty years old and it just feels wrong.

I think that’s it. If I forgot someone, it’s because they weren’t important enough for screen time and will probably get kicked off soon anyways.

Now that there is only thirteen, it’s photo shoot time! With Nigel Barker, famed photographer/ Top Model judge/ man-whore. But he is so allowed, because he is attractive and British. The photo shoot this week is ‘Political Statements’. The statements they are given are not really that political (there’s no anarchist or authoritarian or even a pro-Iraq war in there!) but maybe I’m just too Canadian to really ‘get it’. Who else doesn’t get it: Kathleen. She does not understand the concept of ‘anti-fur’ at all. I think she thinks anti-fur statements are done because people think fur is ugly, not because animals die! Most of the girls blow, Tyra, Jay and Nigel are all disappointed and had high expectations, but forgive them because Tyra’s the nicest person ever. At least she hasn’t given a speech about her martyrdom yet. I bet it’s coming.

After the shoot, they are taken to Goodwill, where they meet some stylist and are given three minutes to put together an outfit. But what they don’t know (gasp!) is that they are putting on a fashion show! For people! Apparently, it’s some fashion show auction and the girl whose outfit gets the highest bid is the challenge winner. Jael wins, which totally pisses of Renee because “the only reason she won is because she shops at thrift stores”. Man, I’d be so pissed too, if someone won a challenge because they were good at it. It’s so totally not fair. As her prize, Top Model is giving Goodwill 268 entire dollars(!!!!) in Jael’s name. That will go so far to eradicating poverty and homelessness. you think the CW would chip in a couple grand. They did give these girls an entire mansion AND a pink Hummer limo, decked out in Top Model theme. Oh, and so is their house. I would go crazy if I had to look at Tyra’s face at every corner in my apartment, but perhaps that is the reasoning behind such.

Elimination time! This part is always boring, because Nigel is always pompous, Miss J is always bored, Twiggy is always spaced out and Tyra is always dramatic. In the end it comes down to Kathleen, the girl who doesn’t have a clue and Jael, the girl who wants to be liked. Since Jael won the challenge, it’s buh-bye to Kathleen, who isn’t all that sad and has a really hard time trying to close her suitcase. But next week, look out! It’s a high school theme and some lucky thirteen- year old boys get flashed! I’m excited already!

Things that were good

• They picked some crazies this year!
• Kathleen and her ‘Tyra’s so pretty!’ and ‘I don’t get this anti-fur thing’ and, well, everything she said was confusing and hilarious.
• Also, Natasha and her ‘we don’t do that in my country’ was disturbing but fascinating.
• Sarah and her lying! She’s been on television, she’s modeled for Chanel. If this is all true, why is she even here?!
• Renee is jealous of everyone and everything and I can’t decide if it’s because she’s a victim of teenage pregnancy (Apparently Hawaii has an abstinence only education policy or Renee cut years and years of health ed class) or simply untalented, but I give it two more episodes before she claws someone.
• Two plus size girls! Tyra loves the plus sizes, probably because she has gained so much weight this year. This does suck though, because in the end, designers don’t hire fat girls. So, as hard as they try and as pretty as they are, until Lane Bryant is the sponsor, Diana and Whitney will not win.
• Miss J not giving a shit. I’m surprised Tyra hasn’t fired her yet.

Things that were not so good

• Tyra stepping. Tyra screaming. Tyra being Tyra. She is so annoying, and while I outwardly hate it, I know it is what brings me back week after week, season after season. I’ve even secretly contemplated watching her talk show, but that might be going a bit too far.
• All the unnecessary screaming. Oh my god, it’s Tyra! Oh my god, it’s Jay! Oh my god, it’s J! Oh my god, it’s Nigel! Oh my god, a limo! Oh my god, our house! Oh my god, you! Oh my god, me! Once, I want to see a girl whose like ‘fuck it. I get it. You will show up every episode and make me do things. If I am good, you won’t send me home. I don’t need to impress you with my ability to squeal at a frequency only dogs can hear.’ But it’s Cycle 8 and this hasn’t happened yet. Maybe a squeal test is a part of the elimination round.
• Tyra’s supposed inability to declare decent political statements. I use Tyra here, because she claims to come up with all the photo shoot themes herself, but I seriously doubt it. But then again, I haven’t seen an anti-gun activist dressed like they were going to Woodstock and carrying a shotgun before.
• Sending Kathleen home! She made great tv!

Worth Watching If….

….you like this show! Or haven’t seen it yet! The first hour is boring and unnecessary, but the second half was true to the Top Model template they have followed so faithfully all these years. The contestants they’ve chosen, while not good models, will be great reality tv. They have all the stereotypical Top Model contestants: the girl who is jealous, the girl who doesn’t fit in, the fat girl, the bubbly girl, the girl who is in it for something else, the girl who doesn’t really want to be there, and the quiet girl. I’m sure as the season, oh sorry, cycle, wears on, all the other stereotypes will show up. And Tyra will get crazier.

I do think that the Top Model girls and the Flavor of Love girls should have some sort of American Gladiators- style battle. I should contact VH1 and pitch this to them. If New York can get her own show, surely I can too.

In Five Words

Oh Tyra, you’re soooo pretty!