“No Babies on the Race!” spoilers below:

Things that happened

I entered this episode praying, praying, praying all the internet speculation that Phil’s declaration that this was ‘the ending that would have everyone talking’ and ‘what happens this episode will change the race forever’ meant Rob and Amber going home was wrong. Internet spoilers suck. I was wound tight as a spring the entire episode! I have learned to never read Internet forums again, they make me too nervous!!!

Teams leave the Pit Stop somewhere in Chile to fly somewhere else in Chile. Despite the haggard departing times. Teri and Ian finagle their way on to the 9:40 flight, leaving only Joe and Bill on the 11:15 flight with Charla and Mirna. From the airport, teams must find a shipwreck and search for their next clue. At the Shipwreck, it is Detour time and teams have to choose between Navigate It or Sign It. Eric and Danielle, Oswald and Danny, and Teri and Ian all choose Navigate It, which involves reading a map, then reading a compass to get to a museum. It turns out to be surprisingly easy, and these three teams get pretty far ahead and aren’t in danger at any point after this. Rob and Amber, The Beauty Queens and Uchenna and Joyce choose Sign it, which consists of listing all of Magellan’s world tour destinations on a sign, in order and spelled correctly. After a couple of attempts, Uchanne and Joyce get it right and head off. Dustin and Kandice have another blonde day and really struggle with this task, as do Rob and Amber. Rob must be dyslexic, because they get the order correct immediately, but have Philippines spelled wrong and don’t ever catch this error. After trying seven thousand attempts, the Beauty Queens and Romber decide to hook up and do the navigation task, because Joe and Bill’s and Charla and Mirna’s plane has already landed.

The teams who navigated it and received their clue have to head back to the airport and sign on for a chartered flight to Argentina. Once in Argentina, they need to get a taxi to Playa Larga to find their next clue. The first chartered flight can only take three teams and the flights are spaced three hours apart. Here, Danielle proves how valuable a team member she is to Eric by declaring they are going to Australia. I wonder if Eric is regretting ditching Jeremy for the hot girl yet. At least he seems to really like her boobs.

Back at the Detour, Rob thinks he knows the way, and leads both his team and Dustin and Kandice in the wrong direction. Eventually, they right themselves and find their clue, but not before Joe and Bill get to the Detour, choose navigation and overcome their terrible, terrible mistake last episode.

Charla and Mirna choose to do Sign It, and after what feels like several hours of Mirna treating Charla like a small child (Mirna, she is short, not retarded), they too switch to Navigate It, and make up enough time to end up on the same chartered flight as the remaining teams. It is also here that Mirna interviews about the burdens of having Charla as a team member and how she works so much harder than any other person on the race. EVER. I hope Charla drowns her the first chance they get near water.

Once the first flight of teams makes it to Playa Larga, they need to hunt for their clue. It’s on the first post of the walking path, but a lot of teams miss it, starting with Teri and Ian. The clue directs them to take a boat to the post office at “The End of the World,” which is probably as close to Antarctica as The Amazing Race will ever get. The boat leaves every twenty minutes and can only take two teams at once. Oswald and Danny and Eric and Danielle are off first, and Teri and Ian get the second boat alone. At the post office, there is the Roadblock. Teams need to search through a satchel of mail to find a letter addressed to their team from a team from their original season! This has the potential to be tear inducing or anger inducing. Would the producers really get letters from sworn enemies, just for the sake of hilarious television?

Back at the airport, the second flight of teams arrive. All get to taxis pretty quickly, except Charla and Mirna and Rob and Amber. This is just not their day. My pure fear is setting in now. Charla calls a taxi, but Rob and Amber steal it. While this is mean, I am sure there are worser sins in the world, like killing babies. Or small puppies. Mirna disagrees with me. I bet we would disagree on a lot of things. Like how I think she sucks.

At the post office, the teams there get their letters. Oswald and Danny get a letter from Blake and Paige, Eric and Danielle get a letter from their ex-teammates, who warn of the dangers of having sex on the race (I wonder if they supply condoms. They do on Survivor!) and Teri and Ian get a letter from Flo and Zach. Two shocks come with this letter: Ian saying they are nice people — Flo? nice? um…okay — and the fact the letter was from Flo and Zach — that man is a saint to still be friends with that woman. And I haven’t even seen the final two episodes of their season yet! (This is when I give props to OLN for filling my Monday nights with season three of Amazing Race awesomeness!). From the post office, the teams need to run around the island to the Pit Stop, where Phil is waiting. Oswald and Danny, Eric and Danielle and Teri and Ian finish 1,2,3 and kisses abound for all. Except for Phil. He’s getting more hilarious and touchy-feely with each season, but not that touchy-feely.

Rob and Amber get to Playa Larga only to miss the cluebox. Amber goes all Rob on Charla (apparently what they say about marriage is true) and tells her the clue is down the same path they went down mistakenly. If these teams weren’t in last place, I’d consider agreeing with Mirna about how this is possibly the second deadliest sin Rob and Amber could commit, but if I was in that exact circumstance, I would have done the same. Rob even pulls out an old clue as a decoy. If he wasn’t so proud of himself — or Amber of herself — I’d find this beyond hilarious.

Joe and Bill and Dustin and Kandice get on the boat, and get to the post office together. They banter adorably, and Joe and Bill get the best ever letter-rap from Frank. It was a letter! That was a rap! It’s too bad Joe and Bill are too gay and too white to read it to its full potential. Dustin and Kandice joke about how their letter will be from ‘Bama, their sworn enemies! But, shockingly, it is! Well, it is only from Lyn. Not Karlyn. BURN! And considering how these teams truly do not like each other, the letter is written pretty sweetly. Go Lyn!

Rob and Amber catch up, and end up on the boat with Uchenna and Joyce. Charla and Mirna catch up too, but end up on the last boat alone. AND what was supposed to be the most explosive confrontation ever turns into Amber laughing in Charla’s face.

Joe and Bill, team number four! Dustin and Kandice, team number five!

At the post office, Joyce is done very quickly, reads the letter from Susan and Patrick and she and Uchenna are team number six! Rob is getting really angsty, and has a hard time finding the letter. Charla and Mirna catch up and manage to get their letter first. Very harsh words are exchanged, Charla and Mirna’s letter was from someone who really hates them. They take off and Amber laughs and laughs. There was no laughing at the mat, however, when Rob and Amber were the last team to arrive.

Damn you internet speculations! Damn you all to hell!!

Things that were good

• Rob and Amber losing because they really, really, really sucked on this leg. They messed everything up, from the Detour to the Roadblock to the Taxi to even hustling to the mat. If they lost on a technicality — a delayed flight or a Yield — we would never hear the end of it. They lost fair and square.
• Rob and Amber being gracious losers! They spoke well on the mat and in their interview. They probably — and shrewdly — realized that getting kicked off early will be better for their exposure than winning, as was expected, but still. I don’t hate them anymore.
• Joe and Bill coming from behind, and doing it with hilarity.
• Dustin and Kandice for first, not being douchebags, and second, for getting along with other teams!
• All the kissing on the mat! Even Oswald and Danny! Everyone on this show is so in love!
• How every scene with Oswald and Danny is pure television joy!
• Teri and Ian and Joe and Bill proving old people can kick ass!
• The Detours and the Roadblock were again difficult and creative! Good work leg designers!

Things that were not so good

• Charla and Mirna are still in it? Why? Yes, they were better than Rob and Amber on this leg, but Rob and Amber were better on every other leg! While this race is set up so it is anyone’s game at any time, it is truly an unforgiving game.
• The misleading previews and promos! The confrontation was nothing, the ‘old rivals’ shared jokes, and Rob and Amber leaving the game is not going to ‘change the game forever!’ Shocking? Yes. Startling? Yes. Unexpected? Hell, yes. Life-altering? Not really.
• How this is the fourth episode and they still aren’t out of South America, and spent two and a half episodes in Chile!
• How Canadians don’t get to watch the Elimination Station webisodes on CBS’ website. How else am I going to fuel this addiction?
• Rob is not good under pressure. If he is not in the lead, or in charge, it really gets to him. In a bad way. He lost it for them.
• Mirna. I don’t need to say more. Mirna!

Worth watching if….

……you had no idea what was coming! This episode was a great, great, great one! Teams came from behind, teams fell way behind, there was tension, drama and jokes! Even Phil was hilarious! And if you want to see Rob at his super-stressed, Amber at her most Rob-like, and most other teams in their racing prime, this episode is the one to watch!

In Five Words

Rob Needs Hooked-On-Phonics

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