“The Girl Who Won’t Stop Crying” spoilers below:

Things that happened

One episode later than normal, but delivered as promised, it’s makeover time! Some girls get really hot, some turn out average, but most of them come out looking far worse than they did before. But before all this can go down, Tyra has to pretend she is hilarious and freak out about her ‘makeover’. I did appreciate the montage of all the whiners and criers from previous seasons who hated their makeovers!

Felicia got bangs and a dark brown dye, probably so the judges would stop with the Tyra comparisons. Cassandra got an afro that looked awesome in some shots, and just plain weird in others. Natasha, everyone’s favorite mail-order bride, got dark brown hair. Renee gets a Hanson haircut, and surprisingly does not bitch about it. Don’t worry, she hasn’t changed. She’s saving it for later! Diana goes super blonde. Whitney looks the same. Dionne gets a boy’s cut too, but instead of looking like a prepubescent boy, she looks like a rock star. Brittany gets a bright red weave, which hurts like hell and since she’s not black or Renee (Renee has no feelings), it hurts. A LOT. Sarah gets a mousy brown and it’s just blah. She was cute before, and now she is blah. This is not how makeovers are supposed to work. Jaslene gets a trim and it looks great! She had too much hair to begin with. Jael gets a weave, then Jay decides it is awful and makes them take it out. Eight hours of hair pulling must really suck. I feel bad for Jael. I don’t blame her at all for crying. In the end, her hair is a dark shorter version of her pre Top Model hair, and it isn’t bad. Jael interviews she is going to rock it. I like her more each week.

The next day, it’s challenge time. Some girl from Cover Girl Cosmestics and some other girl from Seventeen magazine are there. Man, they couldn’t even spring for Seventeen’s editor-in-chief Atoosa this time?! I guess her seventeen thousand appearances last season broke the bank. The girls have to run around a garden in fancy dresses and put make-up on. The garden is supposed to represent beauty or spirit or something, but I was too fascinated by the Renee-is-evil edits (complete with evil theme music) and the Brittany-is-in-pain edits to really pay attention to the rules. Rules are for losers anyways. Also, Brittany is sick and there is an edit to her spitting and I thought it was vomit, but it was water. Phew, crisis averted. Before this challenge, Renee was trying to convince Brittany not to do it. Sarah and Jael convince her to soldier on! And for good reason! For the second week in a row, Brittany is the challenge winner! She gets to be in Seventeen!

Back at the house, Brittany cries a lot and Renee and Diana bitch about how Brittany is a fake cry baby. Brittany tells Renee that the walls are thin and she hears things. Then Renee tells Brittany she is acting like a child. Yes, Brittany! Renee, think about this for a second. You are the gossipy whore, not poor, sweet, innocent and in pain Brittany. Catty words are exchanged, and Renee looks like a bitch. So does Diana.

Jael gets a call from home, and one of her friends died of a drug overdose. While this is very sad and traumatic, you can’t say you don’t learn important messages from America’s Next Top Model. This week: Don’t Do Drugs. There are lots of shots of Jael being sad, people being nice to her, and Renee being a bitch. Even more than Melrose ever was last year. I do think if Melrose and Renee fought, Melrose would win. Melrose would bring it.

The photo shoot is candy themed! Each girl gets to be candy! And they have to be naked! Brittany, Sarah, Jael and Jaslene, who are all various yummy looking things, totally rock it. (Note :there is totally a clique war going on in the house: Diana and Renee vs. Sarah and Jael and Brittany). Other girls were other candy-like things and all were forgettable, except Diana is just too fat to model properly.

At panel, Jael breaks down, but the judges are really nice. She dedicates her photo to her friend, which is sweet and bizarre. They ask Diana why she is shy and boring. Diana: “Oh, I don’t know.” Natasha is still clueless, Felicia looks like a bad rap video’s back-up dancer, Tyra talks about how ‘cultured’ and ‘black’ she is, and in the end it is between Diana and Cassandra. Poor, nice, normal Cassandra gets sent home because Tyra can’t send a fat girl home this early. Poor Cassandra. I’d care more if she actually got screen time.

Next week: the girls rob banks and Renee cries.

Things that were good

• Renee’s own evil theme music! The girl is a bitch, but boy, are the editors ever having fun with it!
• The photo theme was difficult and original and produced some really good photos. They girls this season aren’t pretty, but maybe — just maybe — there will be an actual model coming out of this season!
• Sarah is getting some good editing. I don’t hate her anymore. She is just a cute girl who is trying really really hard and came across as a self centered bitch earlier. We know there can be only one of those. And it’s Renee.
• The fact Renee looks like a boy.
• The good fat girl (Whitney) and the bad fat girl (Diana). This set-up is hilarious!
• Natasha’s cluelessness will always be adorable and awesome television.
• This is maybe the third episode ever my mom has seen and as soon as Tyra came on she exclaimed “Wow, has she ever gotten hippy!”
• There was so little Jaslene in this episode, I forgot she existed!

Things that were not so good

• Whitney really likes Jesus.
• Poor Jael. This episode sucked for her. If she wasn’t so bony or scary, I’d hug her.
• The keep a bitchy fat girl over a nice pretty girl?! Well, it is television….I don’t want to regret this.
• The really lame ‘clues’ on the Tyra Mail. This is what you get for firing all your writers.
• Tyra trying to be funny.
• The third week in a row and Tyra has another head-wrap on. Please get a new hairdresser. Or show us what happened that was so horrible.
• I really want to like Brittany, but girl, please stop giving Renee things to bitch about.

Worth watching if……

….you think candy is sexy. I liked this episode, and the photo shoot, but I feel all the personal stuff is merely set-up for explosions and bombs that always makes this show great later. Which means, other than Renee and her inappropriate gesturing, it is pretty boring. Don’t disappoint me Tyra! Or I’ll call you fat too!

In Five Words

I Want Theme Music Too!

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