“You Need To Watch Your Jokes, Guy” spoilers below:

Things that happened

Teams have to head to Marshall’s Glacier and search in the snow for their next clue using a beacon. However, the ski lift doesn’t start until 8am, which immediately levels the playing field! I hate Hours of Operation. Teri and Ian and the Guidos make adorable small talk, reinforcing my love for endearing old people. Some teams rock at finding the clue and others suck, but since the clue instructs them to fly to Mozambique, everything gets leveled again. Phil’s voice-over makes it appear as if getting a flight there will be near-impossible and after some pseudo-dramatic scenes and pseudo-dramatic music, everyone ends up on the same flights, landing at 8:40 in Maupto, Mozambique. Oswald and Danny work with Teri and Ian, furthering their awesomeness. Charla and Mirna keep being annoying, and Danielle keeps being an idiot. “Oh Africa? Fuuuuuun!” Why Eric, why? Well, he proves why later.

Once in Maupto, teams must find a marked car and driver (when did The Amazing Race go chauffeur? This hardly seems difficult!) and drive to a non-specific training field. On the way, Guido and Eric and Danielle get in a verbal scuffle, making Eric look like a whiny-thirteen-year-old-boy. I mean, “freaks, freaks, freaks” is hardly a witty comeback. At least we know his immaturity is well-rounded and further explains all his boob comments. At the training field, its Roadblock time! One team member gets to find out “Who Smells a Rat?” in which they guide a giant trained rat to find a (deactivated) land mine buried underground. Once the rat starts digging, a team of trained soldier-types uncovers the clue for the teams. Hilarious edits of blonde girls freaking out (Danielle!), gay boys freaking out (Danny!), and other people being hilarious (Ian!) makes for an enjoyable time filler. Joe and Bill’s rat must be a genetically modified one, because they are off and gone in 30 seconds. This task is really more about luck and how close you are to a clue than how good you are at walking a rat, but this doesn’t prevent Mirna from screaming at Charla. They do, gleefully (I’m the gleeful one here) finish the task last.

Once done, teams must coax their driver back into town and find their next clue at a fancy French building with a name I can’t spell. Here, it is Detour time, where teams can “Pamper” and convince locals to let Racers paint their nails, or “Porter” where teams must bag and deliver 10 bags of coal. Teams arrive sporadically, as a lot of them get lost (Teri and Ian, Dustin and Kandice, Charla and Mirna and Eric and Danielle), but eventually right themselves. These Detour choices seem really unbalanced, but Joe and Bill, Oswald and Danny, Uchenna and Joyce, and Eric and Danielle all go for “Porter.” Charla and Mirna and Dustin and Kandice choose “Pamper” and their horizontally challenged (Charla) and hair-pigment challenged (the Beauty Queens) selves attract a lot of attention and they get the task done quickly.

Charla and Mirna look insane doing the Detour, but it works and they arrive at the Pit Stop as team number one! They have an adorable, almost salvaging moment where they fall to the ground and hug fiercely. This is, however, immediately ruined when Mirna interviews that just because some people are “shorter” and “skinnier” (WHAT?!) than others, doesn’t mean their team should be underestimated. Dustin and Kandice are team number two, and Phil makes an awkward attempt at being hilarious. Awww, Phil, I love you so much.

Teri and Ian were the last to get the clue. They choose to do “Porter”, get lost and end up near “Pamper” and Teri makes Ian do it, despite his protests. However, Teri is vindicated when they get two girls to agree to get their nails painted really quickly and are team number three! Hooray!

Over at “Porter”, Joe and Bill and Oswald and Danny get out. Oswald and Danny make it to the Pit Stop as team number four! What makes this the best check in ever, is that Oswald threatens to hug Phil, and Phil runs away! Phil was so right last episode, these three deserve their own reality show. Joe and Bill get lost on their way to the Pit Stop, and wind up in a footrace with Eric and Danielle and beat them! Hahahah, take that whiny suckahs! Eric even goes so far to blame Danielle in the interview, saying “she got beat by two Queens.” You are an immature asshole Eric and I hate you. Your team got beat.

Uchenna and Joyce just suck at the Detour completely, and are the last team to arrive. But, no worries here! It’s non-elimination day! They survive another round, which is bittersweet. However, all is rectified when the previews promise that Danielle and Eric get kicked off their plane next week! I can’t wait!

Things that were good

• The needle-in-an-avalanche search was awesome.
• Also awesome? Making the teams go from a place of snow to Africa! I hope they packed properly!
• Teri and Ian and Joe and Bill are old and grouchy and set in their ways and oh-so-delightful because of it. Danny and Oswald are delightful too, but more so because they are hilarious and really want to be friends with Phil.
• Charla and Mirna hugging proved to me that Mirna might –might–be human outside of the race.
• It was World AIDS Day when they were in Mozambique and Danny and Oswald had a sentimental and touching moment. It is always nice when you get insight into the teams lives’ outside the race in a non-interview way.

Things that were not so good

• While this leg had some interesting moments, overall it was really poorly structured. I mean, the fact Charla and Mirna can leave the Roadblock LAST and end up FIRST overall proves something is amok. This race should be about 75% skill, endurance, wits and co-operation and 25% luck, not the other way around.
• Mirna has no concept of self at all. The Beauty Queens are THINNER. Oh, and better racers. Winning a single leg doesn’t make you Queen.
• Eric and Danielle acting like babies. I’ve come to expect it from Danielle, but coming from Eric made it seem rude and ignorant and not just lazy and dumb.
• Eric having no respect for his racing partner at all. This is a thousand times worse than Mirna having no respect for Charla because his racing partner is also his girlfriend!

Worth watching if…..

…you don’t believe that Charla and Mirna came first! Or if you want to see solid divides emerging as the awesome teams (Teri and Ian, Joe and Bill and Oswald and Danny) are clearly separated from the “meh” teams (Uchenna and Joyce and Dustin and Kandice and Charla) and even more so from the horrible, ignorant and I-want-them-to-die teams (Eric and Danielle and Mirna). These teams are becoming very one-dimensional, but it does make for more passioned “NO!NO!NO!” screams at the television.

In Five Words

Hug Me, Phil! Hug Me!

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