“Top Secret” spoilers below:

Things that happened

We open with a scene in Iraq and two soldiers are in a vehicle. There’s some pretty cool music and a giant explosion, then the gay guy from Bring It On dragged his friend–who no longer has a right leg– away from the truck before it exploded further! He’s such a hero!

Alas, the opening sequence was a dream. House fell asleep in his office. Cuddy comes in and gives House a case– an Iraq vet whose uncle is someone important and who thinks he has Gulf War syndrome. Things get weirder when House realizes that the vet is the hero from his dream! What does it all mean?!

House doesn’t believe in Gulf War syndrome and really wants to figure out why he dreamed about that dude, whose name is John. He makes Cameron, Chase and Foreman go preform a whole bunch of tests to see if the other hospitals were wrong and makes them go on a personal history search to figure out how House knows them. House, of course, doesn’t explain this to his followers. None of the symptoms John is complaining of are there, and the followers think he is faking it. One of the tests involves John being asleep. Cameron and Chase are watching him, but decide to go have a quickie in an empty room. Why don’t they ever do work anymore? Man, I do more work than them and I’m a lazy grad student. While they are off doing it, Foreman comes back– I’m assuming from doing doctor-related things– and John is awake and not only does he smell nasty, his entire mouth is filled with bacteria. It’s kinda gross and rabies-like, and proves the followers are wrong!

Meanwhile, House is having insane leg pain and convinces Wilson to give him more drugs. Don’t worry, it’s not Vicodin. House cannot pee. This is the weirdest House sub-plot ever.

After Foreman gives Chase and Cameron the grills about not doing their job, Cameron admits they had sex, but did so in a way that made Foreman laugh and Chase look sad. Aww, poor Chase. House decides that John has cancer and orders more tests. Also, in clinic duty, he figures out amazing things through his keen power of observation. While Wilson is conducting cancer tests, John goes deaf. They conduct a brain scan, and John has six massive tumors in his brain. Which means the other hospital screwed up. But Cuddy proves they didn’t.

While all this stuff is going on, House is getting more and more agitated. While Cameron totally deserves to be snapped at most of the time, House is really on edge.

Just as Foreman and Wilson are about to to drill in the guy’s head they realize he doesn’t have any tumors! Hooray! They wake him up only to find out John can’t feel his legs. Man, oh man. His paralysis spreads, House gets so fed up, he goes home, shoves a catheter up his urethra, and goes to sleep. I don’t really blame him– I bet a catheter would be more fun than putting up with the people at PPTH some days. While House is off sleeping, the followers decide to go do a uranium treatment for John’s minor uranium toxicity–which apparently isn’t a big deal–even though House told them not too.

Back at House’s house, his catheter bag filling up with pee, House tries to sleep. He can’t. The next morning,he goes back to PPTH, where all of John’s blood disappeared, his catheter broke, and Cuddy is being a slut. Oh, this is a dream too.

House really wakes up this time (I hope!!) and knows what’s wrong! John has an insanely rare genetic disease that has been undiagnosed in his family for years and years, because the worst it ever got was nosebleeds and joint aches. However, all the stress of being in Iraq so much accelerated his symptoms. So even though he smells gross, can’t hear or can’t move, things are going to be a-okay!

With the medical case solved, House now tries to figure out why he knew John. Then, while being all flirty/annoying with Cuddy as he always is, he knows! Ah ha! John dated Cuddy once, two years ago. They totally sucked face at a party, which proves two things: one, that House kinda has a thing for Cuddy, which he totally denies; and two, Cuddy is kinda slut, which she totally denies. Also, this is the closest to a revelation that Cuddy and House used to be ‘Cuddy and House’, if you know what I mean.

House then walks in on Chase and Cameron, which is hilarious and delightful, and also what Chase was whining that Cameron wanted all episode. Then the episode is over, cued by awesome music.

Things that were good

• Chase is all cute when he is in love and vulnerable. I wish Cameron wasn’t taking advantage of him like this.
• This show has the best music at the best times. The soundtrack fits so well and is so catchy!
• I love how Cuddy is strong, assertive, and so over House. Their chemistry is fantastic, but there is no way they could get together without it being disappointing.

Things that were not so good

• The dream sequences were annoying and confusing. The first one was cool, and resulted in more Cuddy/House history revelations, but the second was was bizarre and poorly done.
• Would Chase and Cameron please do their jobs?! This is the second episode in a row they’ve forgone saving people’s lives for personal interests. Also, they had sex,like three times this episode! A bit excessive, considering it was all at work!
• The pee-subplot. Seriously, I get that House is in pain. I get that this leads to other things– infections, more pain, drug addiction and the like–but really? House can’t pee? If this is how low you need to go, David Shore, cut the damn leg off.

Worth watching if….

…you missed House! And want Fox to win the seven minute war! Or want to fuel debate about the existence of Gulf War Syndrome. This episode was good, but not stellar. I am thankful that Fox is promising eight weeks of new episodes, so I can fuel my addiction accordingly and not wait weeks on end for a single dose of House.

In Five Words

Yup, Three Times This Episode

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