“The Girl Who Impresses Pedro” spoilers below:

Things that happened

We open with Whitney being all “I gotta step up!” Then they figure out the challenge this week is an acting challenge and then Whitney’s all “I gotta win this challenge.” It’s annoying, but I’ll give this girl props for being competitive. Also, some dude comes along and takes Brittany’s weave out. Now her hair is all cute and model-y instead of looking like a dead raccoon. Hooray! At the challenge the stars come out. Literally. Tia Mowry is there! She’s going to teach the girls about acting! Remember Tia? She was on that show Sister, Sister, which was about twins who are not the Olsens. I wish Mary-Kate and Ashley would guest star on this show. They are appropriate in so many, many ways. They could understand Jael-speak, talk “fashion” with Renee, teach them how to “act” (New York Minute is thespian brilliance) and overall make everyone feel fat and unsuccessful. Anyways, Tia gives the girls hats and they need to ‘work them’. Then, with this newfound skill in hand, they head off to the real challenge.

Inside the theatre Pedro is there! From Napoleon Dynamite. Now that’s an actor with diversity and range. (I’m really beginning to think that I should put everything I’m typing sarcastically in a different font. Then have an advisory warning. It could be like “Choose Your Own Recap!”) The girls are given a script with three model characters and the have to memorize the lines then act out the scenes with Pedro. Whoever is the best wins the challenge!

What follows is a brilliant acting montage, with Whitney thinking she is doing better than she is, Jael being weirder than she is, Jaslene forgetting her lines, Dionne speaking with a Jamaican accent (in her defense, she interviews she had no clue where it came from. Ha! I love this girl so much!), Natasha being bizarre and leaving me wondering if she can’t act or just didn’t understand the challenge. Renee gets a pretty bad edit, but good Pedro reviews and wins the challenge! And she gets to pick a friend! And she chooses Dionne! What the fuck? I’m confused! So is Dionne! The girls win stylized “Vote for Pedro” t-shirts and it’s lame. Even I feel cheated, and I’m only a viewer.

There is also a sub-plot going on here about how Renee is trying to be a better person. While I think this is great for the girls, and great for Renee and great for the house environment, it makes terrible and boring television. While they are all lounging around, lamenting their various issues and non-issues, the doorbell rings! It’s Dionne’s family and Renee’s family! This is a much better prize!

Okay. What follows is yet another reason Dionne rocks. Her mom was shot in a random act of violence and now is confined to a wheelchair for life. Yet, this is the first we ever hear of it. And her mom seems awesome. There. What follows next bothers me. Renee’s baby is absolutely adorable. I thought that the spawn of Satan would be far uglier, but nope! ADORABLE. Also, Renee seems to be a good mom. What the hell is up with this redemption edit?

Natasha’s all sad because she doesn’t get to see her baby. I feel for her, but Natasha: YOU DIDN’T WIN THE CHALLENGE. I’m 99% certain she didn’t get that and just thought Tyra was punishing her.

Natasha is so pissed it carries over to the photo shoot the next day, whose theme is a Payless (hooray! More high fashion!) ad campaign depicting past infamous moments on America’s Next Top Model! First thought: This is laaaaaaaaaame. Post-shoot thought: The clips from past seasons made this shoot so worth it! Also, it’s also nice to hear that some of the past contestants are working as actual models. The girls get their usual criticisms, and nothing is awesome, except Dionne’s gotta make like she’s kissing Kim and Natasha has the flesh eating disease. Despite her emotional turmoil, she stepped up and got the job done like a good model.

At panel, nothing is surprising. Wait, that’s not true. Twiggy looked really pretty. She finally defied Tyra’s thematic outfits and looks like a former supermodel. Whitney and Jael are in the bottom two: Whitney because she can’t translate her awesomeness into photos and Jael because everything that comes out of her mouth is whack. They finally redeem us and send Whitney home.

Next week: It’s international destination time!

Things that were good

• Dionne acting. Dionne’s family. Dionne and her baby’s whack hair. Dionne’s photo shoot. Dionne at panel. Dionne in confessional. I love her, and this she is hilarious. That being said, I don’t think she has what it takes to be a top model. That, and Danielle who won Cycle Six and Dionne have very similar looks, and I think ANTM likes to diversify their winners. However, Dionne is going to go far! I’m gunning for a Brittany/Dionne top two right now.
• The photo shoot premise started off ridiculous, but ended up being modelesque and purposeful: it was about the shoes and the past ANTM girls were there as models, not as pieces of nostalgia. I also liked the comic-book deal at the end, although I’m not exactly how that’s going to fly in their portfolios!
• Jael is like, you know, Jay told her, like, to pose, like Jay, you know, and be soft, and like this, and you know, and down and to work it and like you know, model.
• Renee, who I’ve been convinced is Satan’s girlfriend since the start, is showing she is serious about the competition, even if it means being nice!
• “At Top Model everyday is the best day ever!”
• The elimination was appropriate and timely. Whitney, while surprisingly surprised about getting the boot, was a gracious loser. Although, my personal favorites are the bawling girls, with mascara streaming down their faces, between incoherent sobs, make plans for seeking revenge!

Things that were not so good

• Where did Tyra’s insane friend who teaches acting go this season? Remember how she would make them do hilarious and inane things that were far cooler than wearing silly hats? And how the acting challenge winner used to get a guest spot on a CW tv show? Where has all the beauty — the Caridee-admitting-attempted-suicide, Camille-flat-out-changing-lines, montage-of-how-awful-the-guest-spot-was beauty —that was the acting episode gone?
• Tyra, gypsy is worse than pirate. Just for future reference.
• Dionne’s baby is named Ta’kya. I love Dionne, I’ll forgive her for almost everything. But sending a five year old into kindergarten with “T – A – apostroooooopheeeeee – K – Y – A” is just mean. I don’t think I learned about apostrophes until third grade and it’s not even being used correctly in Ta’Kya!
• The elimination edits have been terrible this season. I really miss the writers and times when I was actually surprised by, but not questioning or protesting, the elimination. Now it’s a challenge to see how early I can pick ‘em.
• Brittany’s not getting enough screen time for me to figure out exactly how annoying she is.

Worth watching if……

……..you, as a young, unwed, unemployed mother, need inspiration to become a model. Or if you want montages of terrible acting and several reminders of back when this show was good, Janice was around, Jay’s hair was brown, and Tyra was slightly more normal. Ah, I miss those years. That being said, this was a decent episode. A forgettable episode, but a decent one.

In Five Words

Dionne Ain’t No Fuckin’ Lesbo!

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