“The Girls Who Go Down Under” spoilers below:

Things that happened

We open with voice-overs of the girls discussing what they need to improve to become America’s Next Top Model. Jaslene needs to bring it and not be so blah, Brittany needs to stand out (and based on the previews for next week, she does, in the worst way ever) (that was so not a spoiler: if anyone thought Brittany was going home, they must have been hit by a car) (that was a spoiler). Natasha believes she is more than a pretty Russian girl and can do more than make babies. She’s pretty good at that though– Angelina is cuuuuute. However, someone really needs to tame her ego. Jael is her bizarre semi-darling, semi-obnoxious self. So, even though Whitney’s gone, nothing changed!

April from Cycle Two is at the door! She looks amazing, but has lot a lot of weight since her season. Like, a worrisome amount. She then goes and teaches the girls about different types of interviews. This information would be useful for people who did not have any common sense. Jaslene and Brittany are paired together and are both “timid”. Natasha and Renee are paired together and are both “controlling”. Dionne and Jael are paired together, in a coupling that is hilarious, but also catty and unprofessional. Oh well. Neither of them are going to win. Let the hilarity ensue!

Suddenly, someone in a kangaroo outfit pops out of nowhere! Ohmigod it’s Tyra! Ohmigod they are going to Australia! Australia is such a happening fashion spot that the winner of Australia’s Next Top Model gets to go to New York to try to make it. I guess what this really means is that Tyra is running out of international destinations. Also, a real kangaroo shows up, and that must break at least nine animal rights. However, the girls are screaming, and it is Australia – who doesn’t want to go to Australia? – so it’s all good.

Once they are in Australia (and after Matt was like “man, America and Australia should so do a cross-over episode”) Erika, the host of Australia’s Next Top Model’s first two cycles is there to administer the challenge. The girls have to interview local Aussies about American fashion faux pas. There’s two catches: first, they have to use as much Aussie slang as possible, and second, they won’t know the challenge winner until panel.

Jaslene is adorable, Brittany gets burned by her interviewee, Jael is Jael, Natasha is incomprehensible, Renee is average but gets a lot of slang in and Dionne is fantastically hilarious. However, fantastically hilarious means she did pretty bad. But hilariously so!

This is the point where we learn a deep, dark secret about Brittany. The secret I totally called. When she was seventeen, she was hit by a car, smashed her skull open and now has memory problems. This is horrible and major props to Brittany for overcoming that tragedy. However, this gets troublesome after a while. Troublesome as in it’s the only plot point any of the editors could find for the next thirty-five minutes. Not really Brittany’s fault, but why wasn’t this brought up last episode, when they had to learn three different scripts?

With their Aussie slang down pat, the girls get to shoot a Queen Latifah inspired outback CoverGirl commercial. Because nothing says Australian Outback more than Queen Latifah! Jael is really, really, really excited to run free in nature. Like, really excited. All the girls look amazing, and Jaslene is getting this Jaslene-is-awkwardly-adorable edit that I’m loving and makes me feel like I’m cheating on Dionne. The commercial goes fairly well for Renee, Natasha and Jaslene, okay for Dionne and brutal for Jael (who just wants to be free with the animals) and Brittany (who just wants her memory back).

At panel, Tyra’s head wrap is gone, and her hair has this grey sheen. Really. (I use really too much. This show is wearing on me. Soon I’ll say photo like Tyra. Pho-to.) From one angle, it’s grey, but from another, it’s brown. It’s like she is aging iridescently. The judges loved Natasha and her Russian/Aussie accent and Renee and her Steve Irwin homage. Jaslene was way too tense and ‘drag queen’ ish, which sometimes I can see, but this time, I feel like it’s a forced critique. Dionne was unmemorable and Brittany and Jael – well, we get it. If you watched this episode this far and don’t know who the bottom two is, well, I don’t know what to say. I like Brittany too much to make a Brittany-memory joke.

When we return, the obvious call-out order is in fact called. What is not obvious is that Natasha won this week’s challenge! And she gets to be a correspondent on The Tyra Banks Show. I am definitely watching that! Between Natasha, Topanga and Tyra, it’s the best talk show cast ever! It comes down to Jael, who is so weird that she’ll never get a job, and Brittany, who needs to learn some ‘trick and hints’ to memorize things. Well, since it’s Brittany’s first commercial ever, we should cut her some slack. She’ll learn. Jael, not so much. The judges agree and no longer can Jael “spread joy to the universe.”

Nest week: Brittany goes spastic! And it’s go see time! My second favorite time!

Things that were good

• I’m appreciating the fact that Tyra is showing these girls there is a future after Top Model. Even though that future may consist of interviews with C-list celebrities on a local morning show.
• I love the commercial episodes! And I love every time they make them interview real people! They are all so awkward! Like real models are!
• The “That’s-cool-o-meter” for Dionne! God, that was brilliant.
• Brittany: “what’s an American fashion faux pas?” Lady: “well, girls wearing too tight t-shirts with bra straps hanging out.” Brittany: “oh……ahhhh!” (fixes bra strap).
• Jael’s confessionals this week were classic Jael: enough hilarity to make me love her and enough incoherency to make me not sad to see her go. Good work editors.
• Jaslene is really growing on me. She wants this and is working hard, but it’s going to be a struggle to get that judge-love back. Once you are out of Tyra’s books, you are never getting back in. Just ask Adrienne!

Things that were not so good

• I used to love Natasha, but she is not as great as Tyra thinks she is. I want Renee to go super-bitch on her and bring her down a notch.
• I don’t understand why they made them talk in Aussie accents. I get doing commercials for other countries in that country’s language, but not flat-out embarrassing the girls for the sake of embarrassing them. I miss the days when the first commercial was about Secret deodorant and the hardest thing about it was revealing a secret. Besides that, the commercial was just bad. It wouldn’t sell Queen Latifah’s make-up anywhere.
• Gypsy is still in.
• I feel for Brittany, I really do, but don’t kill it.
• Every episode of Australia’s Next Top Model I watch makes me realize how bad this version has become. (Don’t worry, I still love it!)
• There are 122 versions of this internationally?! There’s that many people out there as pathetic as I am?

Worth watching if….

……you want to see the girls struggle from beginning to end, and a reason why the Aussie version is so much better. Ericka is amazing looking, and Tyra looks a little bit clownish next to her. Additionally, modeling is hard and sometimes, watching this show, I forget that, but this episode brought it back. And Aussie slang used out of context and with bizarre accents always brings me joy.

In Five Words

What Would Queen (Latifah) Do?

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