A few weeks ago, Disney announced its latest movie project: a story about a frog princess set in New Orleans. You probably have heard of this, partly because its Disney’s return to the classic 2-dimensional movies I grew up on (and loved dearly) and partly because Disney proudly– and loudly– declared that the movie would have Maddy, Disney’s first black princess. Hooray!

I’m completely torn here. While I do think it is a good thing to expose young girls to racially diverse princesses, the need for a core princess-heroine is in every film troublesome. Also, it is just a little late to be patting yourself on the back because you introduced a black princess. Hell, they did mermaid before they did ethnic minorities. Mermaids everywhere considered this a huge step forward. (Edit: I know that joke is old now, but I actually wrote this post months ago and just never got around to posting it. So it stays.)

Additionally, the princess being black and the film being set in New Orleans raises other identity awareness and political issues as well. Why New Orleans? Why now? Is Disney really this desperate? Or are they making a positive statement and reclaiming New Orleans as a positive cultural space? And can you really claim you have a progressive and unique outlook on the princess landscape, when the film takes place in a region that is predominantly African- American? How progressive is it to be accurate?!

However, Be-Something is not the place to have aggressive political debates about the Disney-fication of the universe! No! Instead it is the place to celebrate frivolousness and television and yes, even ‘Happily Ever After’ regardless of how contrived it may be. Because, no matter how controversial Maddy may be, we know the following: she will be able to talk to animals, she will find true love, she will teach young girls about the importance of individuality, strength, intelligence and having inner and outer beauty, she will teach us that being abrasive and whorish is in fact a form of feminine empowerment, and she will have a lot of hair.

So grab your tiara (and a boa if you have one), pour some tea, it’s time to explore the 10 best Disney princesses of all time!

(Note: I am beginning to feel really lame when Matt gets awesome top tens like “Fictional Irish Characters” and “Nintendo Romances” and I get ones involving cartoon princesses and Full House.)

Top 10 Disney Princesses of All Time

#10- Megara from Hercules

So Megara isn’t really a princess. She’s the girlfriend of some god dude who loves her so much he becomes mortal just to be with her. (Which is so how it doesn’t go in Greek Mythology). Now that is sexual power. She’s ballsy– she sold her soul to James Woods!– but whiny. She’s also a manipulative little bitch. But anyone who can seduce a Minotaur can’t be all bad. Can they?

High School Equivalent: If Megara went to high school, she’d be the hot bad-ass chick who smokes outside the school when she cuts class and spits on people as they walk by. You really want to be her friend, but after a couple of days making fun of the popular kids and coughing up a lung, you realize she is just insecure, and, well, kind of annoying. Plus smoking is really bad for you and all this hairspray is kinda itchy.

Pros: She totally slept with the high school jock at the after prom party, while his cheerleader girlfriend was doing jello shots and giggling with her pals.

Cons: She gave him herpes.

#9- Nala from The Lion King

I have to give props to Nala because she put up with possibly the cockiest Disney prince of all time! Who was voiced by

Johnathan Taylor Thomas, of all people! But at the same time, she is a total cop-out — she only got her princess status through an arranged marriage. Then she just shruGged her shoulders and ignored the fact he went missing for oh, I don’t know, several year. But she grew up, came to her senses and now she keeps Simba and the tribe together, while he is off prancing and gallivanting about with his meerkat and warthog pals. We all know she is the real ‘king of the jungle.’

High School Equivalent: If Meg is the ‘bad girl’, Nala is the bitchy, domineering cheerleader who doesn’t really like the captain of the football team, but dates him because it’ll get her somewhere. Eventually. And by somewhere I mean totally knocked, married too young, buying the big house, then sitting in her kitchen–er, cave– with a bottle of bourbon going “Oh shit.”

Pros: She’s a lion. Literally and metaphorically.

Cons: She’s a gold-digging whore. And, well, she’s a lion. That can’t be all good. What if she gets hungry?

#8- Snow White from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Ah, Snow White. The classic Disney Princess. She is beautiful, sweet and kind. But a little spacey, and a little dumb. Does she not realize living in a teensy cottage with seven little people is a little bizarre? And that taking food from strangers is just wrong? While the other princesses were off fighting wars and escaping from bad guys, the coolest thing she ever did was sleep an excessively long time. That’s truly princessing-it-up old school.

High School Equivalent: Snow White is Karen from Mean Girls, the pretty follower with no brain of her own and who will put out at a moments notice. This is not because she’s a whore, but because she really, really wants you to like her. One positive is that she made capes –and befriending the physically disabled–totally cool.

Pros:She will believe anything you tell her. And will keep all your secrets because she’ll forget them in three seconds anyway.

Cons:Evidence has indicated she might be narcoleptic. And she thinks her breasts, the physically handicapped and cute animals have feelings.

#7-Princess Aurora from Sleeping Beauty

Another old-school narcoleptic princess, only this one comes with hallucinations and multiple identity crises. The poor girl has no less than three names- Sleeping Beauty, Princess Aurora and Briar Rose, thinks three fairies are taking care of her in the woods who all have nothing better to do than fight over the poor girl’s dress. The worst thaing that happens to her s pricking her finger on a fucking spinning wheel, then sleeping through the awesome dragon slaying. If Megara is Lindsay Lohan, Ariel is JoJo, Jasmine is Christina Aguilera, Mulan is Avril Lavigne, and Cinderella is Jessica Simpson, Aurora is Mandy Moore. She isn’t as talented, isn’t as whorish and isn’t as controversial. While all the other girls are wearing too much eyeliner and various incarnations of the ‘hot-pant’, she has on a cardigan with embroidered flowers on the collar. She often fades into the background and takes her non-existent personality with her. Yet, through it all she manages to date quirky-cool guys (oh man, did I just compare Zach Braff to Prince Phillip? I did? Daaaamn.) who can do so much better. I mean, seriously, watching Millicent die was way cooler than watching Aurora wake up and meet Prince Phillip.

High School Equivalent: She’s the prim, proper yearbook editor, who knows she’s kind of dull and boring, but is amazingly okay with it.

Pros:She will bake you cookies.

Cons: She will give you a play-by-play about how she made them and the near-crisis over a flour spill. And she will tell you about her conversation with her mom and about her grocery shopping trip and her haircut…….

#6- Pocahontas from Pocahontas

Before Princess Maddy came along and ruined Pocahontas’ thunder, Pocahontas was the exotic one. Sultry, mysterious, deceptive, thickly accented and a little hard to understand. Her clothes aren’t practical, she never wears shoes, her parents named her Pocahontas for god’s sake, but still, there is something about her. Her dark, thick hair, her come-hither gaze, her seductively pointy chin, her Vanessa Williams-sung theme song……

High School Equivalent: She’s that foreign exchange student you always wanted, you thought you could have–I mean, have you seen the she looks at you?!–but you were too scared to just go for it. And now she is gone. Off into the woods. To lead her mysterious life and hang out with her raccoon and rabbit friends. Who, for some reason, were some of the few animals Disney refused to give human voices too. And that only adds to the mystery. Of what could have been.

Pros:It’s just like warm apple pie.

Cons: Apple pie is really sticky.

#5- Cinderella from Cinderella

Cinderella is the hardest princess to figure out. It must be all those years of family abuse and oppression. While she is the quintessential Disney princess, she is completely interchangeable with almost any other princess on this list. She was never really given a personality and was one of the last princesses to even get a sequel, the poor girl. Even capitalism doesn’t like her.

High School Equivalent:She’s the girl next door, the one who was always there you just never notices and kind of took her for granted because she had a Nintendo and her mom made awesome chocolate-chip cookies. Then one day, in senior high, you don’t have a prom date–seven (seven!) girls turned your ass down– and she agrees to go with you at the last minute. Then when she comes down those stairs, first it’s ‘daaaaaaaaaaaamn!’, then it’s love.

Pros: Those cookies. They are fucking goooooood. And you can have as many as you want, ’cause her mom thinks you’re cute.

Cons: Once you realize it’s love and ride off in your pumpkin-carriage, she’ll gain thirty pounds and turn into her mother.

#4- Belle from Beauty and the Beast

Belle is the princess-next-door. She has a heart of gold, a song on her lips and stars in her eyes, she’s one who doesn’t go with the flow, but she’s no bad-ass either. She’s contently oblivious, yet eerily perceptive, and possibly the best potential-best-friend on this list. Plus with her father being an inventor and all, you’d get some pretty neat Christmas presents.

High School Equivalent: She’s the literary poet gal, but not the beatnik kind. She wears flowy dresses and is great friends with the English teacher, and is the girl all the science geeks think they have a chance with.

Pros: She’ll explain everything you ever needed to know about Shakespeare to you before that big exam.

Cons: She won’t stop once the exam is over. And she might write you poetry, then expect some in return.

#3- Ariel from The Little Mermaid

Ariel is saucy, brash and follows her dreams. What else would you expect from a red-head with sisters like that? Beware the tyrant of a father, an overprotective crab and a little too much seagull action. However, this girl has got a song or two up her sleeve, will satisfy anyone’s fish fetish, and is the most likely to lure Johnny Depp out of the pirate spotlight and into some abyss-on-the-sea where he can never make a pirate-themed film again.

High School Equivalent: She’s your friend’s totally hot and spunky little sister.

Pros: She’s so little and looks up to you so much. And she giggles at all youR jokes! You’re sooo funny! Yes, you are!

Cons: She’s still in a training bra.

#2- Mulan from Mulan

Mulan is the only princess on this list who can claim she saved an entire country–and her family’s honor– single-handedly. Plus, she is pretty fucking mean with that sword. I wouldn’t mess with her. She’s got like forty thousand gods and forty thousand years of family ancestors on her side.

High School Equivalent: The captain of every sports team imaginable, possibly on a boys team too (and beats their sorry asses), four year MVP, and runs and jumps and breaks records amongst rumors she’s possibly a dyke, this girl will punch you in the face if you ever said it directly to her.

Pros: Unlike the other pretty-but-useless princesses, you’ll never really have to worry if your life is really in danger with Mulan around. It’s all a facade for the cameras. However, if Snow White was your princess-of-choice, you’d be royally (pun intended!) screwed.

Cons: She is definitely the most androgynous of the bunch. Do you really want to spend your days correctly “Uh, she’s a giiiiiirl?” And Eddie Murphy is her sidekick. And he is even more annoying here than he was in Shrek.

#1- Jasmine from Aladdin

Jasmine? Yes, Jasmine! This girl overcame not being the star of her movie, an over-bearing father, an evil suitor, being enslaved and hypnotized, and pants designed by M.C. Hammer to gain control of her kingdom, find true love and fight for women’s rights in a fictitious Arabia.

High School Equivalent: She’s still a cheerleader, but she’s the one they don’t really like and she knows it and doesn’t care. She’s just too pretty and too talented to be kicked off the squad. Sure, her boyfriend is a lice-infested, petty, homeless boy (who is the go-to-boy for illegal drugs on campus) whose best friend is a genie who lives in a bottle and is voiced by Robin Williams (you have to give her credit for putting up with that), but she stood up for what she believed in. And that was love. Plus, I am positive her hair conceals a weapon of sorts. Yes, a weapon. Of sorts.

Pros: She has a magic carpet! And low standards for boyfriends!

Cons: The carpet probably has lice. As does her current boyfriend. And she’s probably friends with Megara.

Now, to save myself from utter teenage girliness, I think I’ll go update my Mary-Kate and Ashley fan site.