Spoilers for “1 a.m. to 2 a.m.” below.

Things That Happened

It’s a bad time for women in the twentyfourniverse — which is an awkward and impractical term I just made up — as three of them experience some particularly bad events in this hour.

Let’s start with Nadia, who has rather improbably been made Acting Head of CTU. I understand they were on short notice, but I still believe there were better choices. Milo, for instance, has been there for six years. And earlier today he shot a terrorist. Nadia, meanwhile, is known mostly for her ability to speak Arabic and french kiss at work.

But I guess her being ill-equipped and ill-advised is kind of the point, as we spend a lot of time this episode dwelling on the fact that Nadia is in way over her head. First, she lets Division (Division! They’ve never done anything good!) bring in some egghead psychiatrist to evaluate Audrey Raines. Then she doesn’t stand up for herself when the egghead psychiatrist’s diagnosis is… murder. Literally. Sorta. Everyone else wants her to let Jack talk to Audrey himself, as Jack’s whispery voice is all the therapy most girls need, but Nadia refuses. And in doing so she pisses off most everyone at CTU.

She gets her redemptive moment too, though, as before the hour’s out she totally shuts the egghead psychiatrist down. Sure, she did so after Doyle let Jack break out of his holding cell and talk to Audrey, thus rendering her act kind of useless. But the thought was there.

Not thinking at all, unfortunately, is Lisa, the Vice President’s lithe blonde sex assistant. See, it turns out that she isn’t so much the evil sexy mastermind I thought she was, screwing her way to a fascist future. Rather, she’s just kind of a slut, and in addition to doing President Powers she’s also doing a campaign lobbyist. Who also happens to be a spy for the Russians. I hate when that happens.

So Mr. Russian Spy is using his Oval Office connection to beam secrets back to Moscow. And one of those secrets happens to be that whole bit about America letting the Chinese have access to the magic circuit board that reveals all their defense secrets. And the Russians are pissed! They threaten to attack America and everything.

Thankfully, Tom Lennox proves himself useful for the first time in perhaps forever, and he manages to root out Lisa’s whoredom and, from there, the whole Russian spy thing. The Vice President is mad. And remorseful. We also learn that his wife died a few years ago, which makes the whole thing a little less sordid. He’s a good guy, that Vice President. One of the best fascist warmongers ever.

So Lisa’s in trouble, and the VP’s going to make her go undercover and tell her sexbuddy the Russian spy that the Americans have recovered the circuit board even though that, technically, they have not. She is reluctant, but realizes that she has to or she will face the wrath of Powers.

And, lastly, there’s poor Audrey Raines, who spends most of this episode in a catatonic state, only mumbling and darting her eyes from side to side. After the egghead psychiatrist recommends treatment that has a one-in-five chance of killing her, Doyle lets Jack out of his holding cell, and Jack nabs Audrey and takes her to a secure location. He then proceeds to give her one of his trademark whispery monologues in which he professes her undying love. She responds by sort of drooling and grasping at his hands. It’s sweet, in a weird way.

Anyway, Audrey eventually manages to give up a word that seems to have led to a lead by the end of the episode. She does so mere minutes before her dad, the great James Heller, shows up. It’s an exciting moment, until you realize that he’s spend his time off-screen transforming into a complete and total jerk. He doesn’t want Jack to ever see Audrey again, because Jack is somehow responsible for Audrey getting captured by the Chinese. It’s a leap of logic if I’ve ever heard one, but Jack seems to agree with him in principle, which is at least a little tragic.

In non-estrogen-related news, Morris’ transfer request is denied, which leads to him and Chloe having more tense coupley moments that make me want to jam my hand in a car door. The Americans are doing all their can to make sure the Chinese can’t leave America with the circuit board. And the Chinese don’t care because, well, apparently the circuit board is broken, and they need to find someone who can fix it.

Whoa, deja vu.

Things That Were Good

• Not much! If I can be so bold, my summary was way better than the episode itself. If only because my summary contained far better acting. Ricky Schroder was particularly bad in this episode. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
• It was nice to see James Heller again, until he started talking and interacting with things and then I got kind of depressed.
• I will say this, though: Noah Daniels makes a far better president than Wayne Palmer. They’ve done a good job of humanizing him since he seized power. Sure, it’s an abrupt and senseless character shift, but that’s what this season was built upon!

Things That Were Not So Good

• Everything else. I’d separate these into bullet points but they’re so numerous that the coding would make me tired. But here you go: James Heller was completely out of character from what we’ve seen before this. They totally ruined what was shaping up to be a unique character with this stupid Lisa and the Russian plot. Nadia is like Michelle if Michelle wasn’t always showing cleavage and was a bit stupider (I miss Michelle). Ricky Schroder is a terrible actor when it comes to quiet scenes. What the fuck is this Morris and Chloe thing, and is there any reason why anyone should care?
• And, worst of all, this is 24. It is a shot about Jack Bauer. Having him in handcuffs off-screen for most of the episode is not a recipe for a compelling episode. Is that really something that is hard to grasp?

Worth Watching If…

It’s not. Skip this one. The only thing you need to know, really, is that the circuit board is apparently broken. The Chinese need someone to fix it! Who will it be? Tune in next week!

In Five Words

Kim Could Make This Worse

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