“The Girl Who Does Not Want To Dance” spoilers below:

Things that happened

It’s aboriginal education week on ANTM. The girls are sent on a hike through the woods, where they meet up with an aboriginal elder and his niece who team them about the power of story telling. The best part about this whole scene was watching Natasha walk through the woods in giant wedge heels. I wonder what their Tyra Mail said to make Natasha think that wedges were appropraite attire for this occasion. After watching an aboriginal dance and hearing an aboriginal story, the girls are told they are to make up their own story and dance — complete with costume! — to present to the aboriginal community and Carissa Rosenburg of Seventeen! She will be the judge of the challenge. Who knew that a Jewish girl from New York would know so much about aboriginal story-telling? The challenge turns into a Day-Glo neon life sucks-off. Hilariously, Renee and Jaslene get really, really into it, more hilariously, Dionne doesn’t get it at all, and most hilariously of all, Natasha preforms this bizarre tree-leaf/life metaphor-dance, that frankly was the closest to the dances the were presented. Natasha knew it too. Every interview she gave this week was about her awesomeness. Oh wait, that’s every week! But since Renee brought up child abuse — the only two things that trump that are rape and suicide attempts — she wins!

Her prize is insanely awesome and expensive pearl jewelry. Since she wants to show it off, she makes up some lame excuse about hitting the town. Jaslene and Dionne are up for it, but Natasha is really, really sick and bails. That’s cool, though, because the girls just wanted to bitch about Natasha. It turns into the lamest ANTM outing ever! Is no one going to have sex this season? No one at all?!

The next day, Natasha is still reeling from her cold/fever thing. Their photo shoot is also aboriginal themed and each photo is supposed to represent an aboriginal dance. Renee and Jaslene bring it (holy crap does Jaslene ever look thin during this!), Dionne tries really hard not to look mean and falls flat, and Natasha is a mess.

At judging panel, it is time for the “most potential/ least potential” because there hasn’t been some tears in a while. All the girls pick themselves for most — except Dionne who picks Jaslene — and all the girls pick Natasha — except Natasha who picks Giselle Bundchen, in a choice I thought was ridiculous, but the judges loved– because she is fake and phony and evil. Natasha, that is. Not Gisele. In the end, Tyra decides these girls are petty and pathetic and sends Dionne home for sucking as a model, and grills it to Natasha for being terrible this week.

Next week: A final three I could care less about!

Things that were good

• This is how eliminations should go! Why didn’t Tyra do this last week? One shitty move sent Brittany home — who is a way better model than Natasha — but Natasha stays? While I agree with this elimination, this is not consistent methodology! Tyra knows nothing about science!
• Dionne’s commentary was hilarious and brilliant. While I will not miss her lack of modeling skills, I’ll definitely miss her tell-it-like-it-is attitude!
• Twiggy looked hotter than Tyra today. Go Twiggy!
• Dionne totally snubbed Natasha when she got eliminated. Ha!
• The critiques the girls were given make sense. Jaslene only has one look and Renee is old. So, why were they chosen in the first place? I think, in the end, the producers are just choosing way too many girls over the age of twenty.

Things that were not so good

• Natasha is bonkers. Jay tells her her she blew it and she sucked and it was her worst photo shoot ever and she is still interviewing about her amazingness!
• Someone please tell Natasha that having phone sex does not involve the physical phone beyond talking into it.
• I thought that while learning about aboriginal culture was interesting and important, their challenge was demeaning and weak and the winner was not chosen on the appropriate criteria.
• If Renee does not get a haircut soon, I’m going to gouge out my eyes.
• Jaslene is grossly skinny. I do believe it is natural, but in every photo shoot where her midriff is shown, I shudder.
• Renee, you have a husband and a son. Grow the fuck up.
• Jay’s edits are showing how increasingly useless he is to this show. I expect him to be gone in a season or two. I mean, Tyra has the ability to do it all!
• Tyra is possibly the worst teacher ever. If I had a professor that “taught” me by giving demonstrations and grunting, I’d never learn a thing.
• If Renee wins and starts going by NeNe, by god, I have no retaliation for that, it is so awful.

Worth watching if

…This episode sucked. I’m sorry. While Tyra can totally cheese-ify modeling and get away with it, chees-ifying aboriginal culture pissed me off. Someone, somewhere is offended by this episode, I know it. Also, it had nothing to do with modeling! While the elimination made sense, I could care less about what happens next week. That’s not a good feeling going into a finale.

In Five Words

Aboriginals Use Day-Glo Colors Too!