“The Girl Who Becomes America’s Next Top Model” spoilers below:

Things that happened

We are down to the final three! And you know what that means – it is CoverGirl commercial and print ad time! For the commercial, each girl is given a different scenario and really bad sequined t-shirts and NO SCRIPT. Other than a few key lines, the girls must make up their make-up commercial.

Natasha goes first, and she is in the make-up room of a photo shoot. At first she sounds really scripted and tense. Then, for the second go around, she’s just awful and awkward.

Also, Caridee shows up and tries to give Natasha modeling tips. Why, Caridee, why? You’ve only been modeling for like two months! She also look like a rooster, with her hair all poufed up and with the way she cocked her neck like so. How did she win cycle seven?

Renee is second, and she gets to be boating around the Sydney Harbor. In her first shoot, she says that she had a baby nine months ago and her life was over. Bad move, Renee. If that ever hits air, your kid is going to need years of therapy for that. Her second take is pretty great, despite her really squinty eyes, over-enthusiasm and terrible choice of lip color.

Jaslene gets to be a supermodel in the backseat of a car. She starts off really tense and unnatural, but gets better towards the end. She even throws in a little Spanish, which pleases everyone to no end.

At panel, it is obvious that Natasha’s picture is terrible, Jaslene’s is good, but not great (the more they showed it over the episode, the more I liked it) and Renee’s was by far the best. And that’s not just because it was airbrushed to hell. However, despite the fact that Renee had the best picture and the best commercial, she gets sent home in a shocking elimination! Why? Because she looks too old! It’s the model kiss of death! Just ask Melrose!

Natasha was kept around because she constantly improves. And because Tyra can’t have two blondes winning back to back. And possibly because she nearly spazzed out when she found out that the guest judges were Sass and Bide, the designers for their runway show the next day. I’m sorry, as much as I hate Renee, this is a stupid move. You can let a girl continue because of potential, but not into the FINAL TWO. What is Tyra taking at these eliminations?

Everyone is shocked by this – including Natasha. Jaslene interviews that if Natasha wins, she will pull off all Natasha’s hair. I hope she does!

Natasha and Jaslene head over to their Seventeen cover shoot, where they are dressed in bling and pink velour. I know it is Seventeen and their readership’s average age is eight, but come on! Carissa Rosenburg, stop pretending you actually like that look!

After the shoot, it is runway time! The set up looks like my high school multipurpose room and the runway looks like a shop class wood-working project. The theme of this fashion show is evolution. As a Christian and fashion enthusiast, I’m very offended. (I’m neither Christian nor a fashion enthusiast, but that felt like the right thing to say here!) CariDee also gets to lead off the show – just like Danielle (excuse me, Dani) did last cycle – because Top Model winners don’t really get a career. Just a couple cheesy commercial and a couple cheesier runway shows, then they drift off into obscurity. The fashion show is low lame and low budget I’m shocked. Absolutely shocked. It’s worse than last year’s runway show and I didn’t think that was possible.

Okay, enough of me griping about the obvious lack of financial investment the sponsors are putting into this thing. Natasha started off strong, but began to lag. Although, when her dress fell off, she dealt with it like a pro. However, when she was in her leotard, you could see rolls. This bugged. I’m all for plus sized models and what-not, but Tyra need to invest in a trainer for these girls!

Jaslene starts off weak, but brings it in the end. Neither girl was fantastically strong or impressive. Just average.

And to top off the whole experience? The show ended with the girls climbing ladders! Yes, ladders! This was so planned by some high school fashion class.

In the final elimination, it comes down to Natasha, who kinda sucks but works really hard, and Jaslene, who is pretty great but has the giant jaw standing in her way. In the end, the overall strength of Jaslene’s pictures come through — that and the fact Tyra appeared to be the only judge rooting for Natasha – and she is crowned America’s Next Top Model.

I don’t even want to watch next cycle.

Things that were good

• Well, I’m glad Jaslene won. She was by far the strongest girl going into the final three. Renee should have been in the top two with her, but Jaslene deserved to win.
• While the runway show pissed me off, it is hilarious to think that these girls are thinking they will get a career out of this. Did they not see that runway?!
• For the first time in panel, Tyra looked good.
• Renee talking about commercials and how hard ad libbing is as if she’s actually done more than one commercial in her life.
• Miss J’s final ruffles were delightfully ridiculous.
• The fact Sass and Bide were there is impressive. They are one of the most well known and influential Australian designers. My guess is they watched their version of Top Model and actually thought that this one would be good.
• Nastasha might be the sweetest and most graceful ANTM loser ever.

Things that were not so good

• Um. Renee getting the boot. That was dumb, Tyra. Really dumb.
• Why was CariDee around? Couldn’t they find a real model to coach them? Or did Tyra not have the time?
• The runway show was horrible to watch. From the evolution theme where they had to act like “Early man” to the fact that Natasha looked like a monkey even during the “modern” stage, I wanted to turn the entire thing off. And demand that Brittany come back. And Paloma.
• The ad-libbing commercial-plan resulted in awkward and uncomfortable commercials. There girls aren’t actresses. Give them a little more time.
• How they actually used the CoverGirl commercial to shoot their first My Life As A CoverGirl ad. Talk about trimming the budget.
• I hate the constant screaming the make each girl do after they win. The first couple minutes after they win it seems natural, but by the sixteenth time, I think Tyra forces them to do it. She probably threatended to smother Jaslene with Miss J’s ruffles.

Worth Watching If…

….You want to see just how ridiculous this show has become. Renee, you are fabulous. Your picture is perfect and your commercial was the best. This is why we are sending you home, and letting Natasha, who isn’t a very good model but lets me talk to her in a condescending fake Russian accent be in the final two. Despite that — and depsite the fact this was the weakest season I’ve seen in a long time, with the weakest lot of contestants possiby ever — Jaslene deserved to win.

In Five Words

I Hate the Word Fierce!!!

Be Sociable, Share!

•