In an effort to populate the “movies” category of this site with some semblance of content, I’m going to take a crack at analyzing the weekend box office charts over the course of this summer movie season.

I love summer movies, because they’re so stupid and ridiculous and — best of all — easy to see. After a long fall and winter of driving to distant theatres and having to pick between showtimes of 5:50 or 11:30 p.m. just to see whatever indie darling is getting all the attention, it’s a relief to be able to kick back and head to the megaplex just up the street and see the new release that’s playing every half hour without fail.

No longer am I confined to the tiny back theatre with an old couple and a guy who smells like marijuana and thinks Sharkwater is a comedy; now I’m in the throngs of the public, basking in the glow of a 4,000-foot screen, waiting through roughly six hours of car commercials, eating popcorn that cost me $6, and watching all sorts of stuff explode.

It’s pretty great.

All that said, summer movies aren’t just fluff. The Box Office figures generated every week are more than just really really big numbers displayed in a table or a list. We can actually use these numbers to determine trends in the attitudes of movie-goers and, further, extrapolate that in the hopes of further defining the popular culture of our day. Or, at least, that’s the idea.

You may notice that these numbers look startlingly familiar to the numbers published at the movies.com box office report. I can assure you that that is little more than a coincidence. These numbers are my own estimates, developed after spending most of the weekend outside local theatres with one of those little clicky-things you can use to track crowds. At first people were wary of me, but soon they came to enjoy my silent and consistent presence, much like how people come to like the plants in their apartment.

Box Office Results for the May 18-20 weekend

1. Shrek The Third

I’ve mostly given up on telling people that the Shrek movies are, in actuality, stupid. I’ve tried really hard since the first one. “Hey,” I’d say, “you do understand that a reference to something doesn’t actually qualify as a joke, right? Like me saying ‘Remember Alf?’ — that’s not a joke. That’s just a reference to Alf. And even if Alf came up behind me and said ‘Hey! I eat cats!’ it still wouldn’t really be a joke. It’d just be a pop culture reference, and a pretty obvious one, too.”

That never seemed to work, though. It’d just result in people laughing and saying “Yes. Yes! I do remember Alf!”

So, whatever, people can go see Shrek and talk about how it’s so great that Dreamworks is finally making children’s movies that adults can enjoy, ignoring the fact that in 20 years kids are going to be watching these movies and asking their parents what the hell Far Far Away Idol is a reference to.

But I’m not bitter! Especially since the movie was pretty poorly reviewed. It’s likely to drop from its crazy high this week to a more manageable figure next week. It seems unlikely that this third installment will enjoy the same sort of all-summer-long longevity that took Shrek 2 to over 400 million dollars. That’s my hope, anyway.

2. Spider-Man 3

I’ve already reviewed Spider-Man 3 on this site, so I don’t have a lot to say about it. Despite the reviews, it’s done well. And, you know, it deserves to.

Sure, it kind of sucks, but I wish people would stop criticizing the most awesome parts of the movie. Peter Parker showing off his evil by changing his hair was inspired. And the so-called “Emo Peter” was played (kind of inexplicably, honestly) for laughs, so stop acting like the cookie scene was terrible. Because the only thing terrible about it was how terribly hilarious it was.

Ditto the dancing. Seriously, the dancing is incredibly underrated. Clearly Raimi went insane when writing this film because he decided to convey all the major character arcs through dancing. Peter flashdances his way toward evil! Harry and MJ twist their way toward adulterous debauchery! Say what you will about the logic behind it, but that’s unique storytelling, you’ve got to give it that.

3. 28 Weeks Later

Proving once again that people only like zombie movies that are not immediately presented as allegories for anything aside from “a zombie invasion”, 28 Weeks Later has pretty much bombed. I don’t really understand why, because the trailers were cool and the first one had a pretty large following. Hell, even I thought the movie looked like it was worth seeing, but then it came release time and I just couldn’t convince myself it was worth going to the theatre for.

Maybe it’s just standing in the shadow of Resident Evil: Extinction and has an awesome trailer featuring the desert and space. Further, it’s plot promises to include “survivors of the Raccoon City catastrophe travel across the Nevada desert, hoping to make it to Alaska. Alice (Jovovich) joins the caravan and their fight against the evil Umbrella Corp.” Which is totally awesome because it shows how, in the wake of zombie invasion, geography and proper navigation will probably be the first casualty.

4. Georgia Rule

This week’s Georgia Rule: Don’t go see Georgia Rule. It’s pretty obvious why nobody, not even Lindsay Lohan fans, want to see her movies — she is just way more entertaining when she is in her trainwreck, falling-apart-at-the-seams mode. Were she to somehow become a successful, confident, mature and acclaimed actress, what the hell would people do? They’d have to find some other once-attractive teen starlet to laugh at for taking off her pants at a New York nightclub.

I do feel kind of bad for Felicity Huffman, though. She deserves better.

5. Disturbia

When people look back on 2007, one of the big questions they’ll have to answer is exactly what the hell the deal was with Disturbia? And, also, who are the people who went to see Disturbia? Apparently there are a millions of them, but I have yet to meet anyone who has actually gone to see it. And it’s not like anyone’s been talking about how great Disturbia is. So what the hell happened?

I realize “What the hell happened?” is a poor box office analysis, especially as this is my first try at this. But I am honestly stumped. Do people honestly think Shia LeBeouf is really appealing? He has a funny name, I guess, but that’s generally not enough to open a movie.

Conclusion

But I guess that’s what the box office is all about — mystery. And intrigue, I suppose. Movies to watch for next week including Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End which is projected to do well, but I have a feeling there might be a Johnny Depp Backlash brewing. And, also, Bug, which I don’t know a lot about. But it does have Harry Connick Jr., so there’s that.

Be Sociable, Share!

•