“The Girls Meet Jay” spoilers below:

Things that happened

Jay opens the show by telling us all about how he went from growing up in Scarborough to going to New York to becoming bff to Tyra and the new host of Canada’s Next Top Model. We then get this hilarious voice-over montage of girls screaming about being chosen as we flash through the streets of Toronto as if Toronto is cool (I find this hilarious and ridiculous and wonder if people from New York and L.A. feel like this in every movie ever made). Then, Jay stands in front of 10 girls to tell them they are the finalists, only to bring in another 10 girls. This makes everyone angry. Cat fight!

No, that comes later.

Stacey Mackenzie then shows up! Hooray! Her outfit is beyond hideous. She will be the model coach for this season and Nole – who is also a judge – will be the creative director. That’s code for snippy bitch at the photo shoots.

During the interviews, we learn Cori makes people die by loving them, Stacey straight-up laughs in people’s faces, Rebecca slaughters things at work, Tara is a dancer, Steff has TWO Fs (you have no idea how angry this makes me), Elle has a boob job and two different color eyes, Mika is a rich daddy’s girl, Gillian is….uh I don’t know and the judges didn’t either…..Meaghan is the token East Coast girl (yay!) but doesn’t make top 10 (boo!), Mo has an awesome accent, Tia looks like a duck, but it will work for fashion and can’t name any fashion photographers, Janine is insane and everyone else reveals nothing overly exciting. There is no swimsuit strut, which was disappointing.

They then, very dramatically and Tyra-esque, Jay cuts it to ten: Gina, Mo, Steff, Mika, Tia, Tara, Rebecca, Sinead, Cori and Jacqueline.

The girls head to the house and based on the outside of the car shots, it is in Mississauga. Now that is high fashion. The house is not an insanely ridiculous size and this pleases me – crammed houses are more akin to the real modeling industry. The house is also decked head to toe in Jay-cor. That is my tacky code word for Jay-themed décor. The fridge is one of those hilarious fridge with a television set in it, which will always be set to the Canada’s Next Top Model logo. One thing modeling is not about is environmentalism, that’s for sure. Between the unnecessary plane flights and random televisions in appliances because they can be, this show produces more electricity than my entire town.

The girls party, expect for Mika who is sick. and by sick, I mean diva. Some of the girls are loud and kooky – namely Steff and Tia—and others hate this – namely, Rebecca and Mika. They are then subjected to audio-visual Jay Mail – CNTM is so high tech! Even Tyra doesn’t do video-mail! – which is so very “cryptic.” Uh, they are doing a nude photo shoot. The fact that I figure this out in 3 seconds leaves me torn between deciding if I am way smarter than everyone on this show or just watch way too many versions of Top Model.

At the photo shoot, it is nude! And there are nude boys involved! The boys, in an attempt to prove their masculinity, do several push ups as the girls get outfitted in dark make-up. Most of the girls need a ton of coaching, but nothing goes extremely poorly or extremely memorably.

Judging time! The girls meet the judges and have yet to learn you can’t go to judging dressed like you are going to the mall. This means there will be a lecture in the future. Cori’s is amazing! I love it and so do the judges. Tara’s is great, Rebecca’s is pretty good, Tia’s, Jacqueline’s and Sinead’s are okay, Mo’s is super-happy but not what was asked of her at all, Mika’s is good, but porn star, Gina’s is awkward and Steff’s is awful. It comes down to Steff and Mika and they send Mika home. Ha! Tell that to your daddy!

(Oh god, that was not the best thing to write!)

Next week: make-overs and channeling SpongeBob SquarePants!

Things that were good

• I’m glad Stacey Mackenzie will be around this cycle. I can continue my beauty/ugly internal debate for another season!
• At first the nude model with a male model concept straight away made me angry, but as the shoot went on, I started to warm up to it. Not because it went well – it didn’t – but because it was showing these girls that Jay means business.
• The male models managed to squeeze in some work-out time and some time for primping Oil of Olay style while on the photo shoot set.
• I love Jeanne Beker as a judge. She is honest but constructive and hilarious!
• The house was decked head to toe in JAY! He’s not even a model!
• I think once Yasmin gets comfortable with the concept of judging she is going to be fabulous.
• Cori’s picture was amazing. Now, if she can only get off the “my boyfriend died” kick. Judging from the phone call and crying she’s got a new one already. Way to weep your way onto the show!
• Jay Mail on DVD?! This show can’t be low budget!
• Sending Mika home was the right call. She’s too old and the “my daddy hates this” back-story is so over done. Steff – despite her rampant overuse of the letter f in her name – has much more potential.

Things that were not so good

• While it makes sense to follow Tyra’s model with ANTM, Jay copied her from everything to the house decorations to how he inflected his voice. I want Jay to bring his own flavor to the show. His entire judging and hosting this episode felt like a bad Tyra imitation.
• Oil of Olay sponsors this show? Really? Are you sure? I didn’t catch every single one of those 75 product placements in the span of six minutes. I hope they show me again, just so I can be sure!
• These girls suffer from the same problems that the girls on ANTM suffer from: most of them are too old (pick younger girls!), too short (pick taller girls!) and too flabby (“get toned up” is the nice way to say “lose some weight, sister”). I’m glad Jay stressed healthy over skinny though. I agree completely – a lean, toned model looks a million times better than an uber skinny one any day. That being said, Jacqueline still needs a treadmill. I’m going to suggest a general rule of thumb for all Top Models: DON’T pick girls who only have 2-3 years max of a career left — most models don’t work over 30, unless they are a huge name! — and DON’T pick girls who are shorter than 5’9”. These are things the industry hates and CANNOT be fixed, no matter how awesome Jay, Stacey, the judges and Nole are with sculpting them. It just makes me feel bad to see girls who are doomed from the start have their hopes get so high.
• The make-up that was done for the photo shoot was horrible. It was too dark, too heavy and just didn’t fit.

Worth Watching If….

…it was a decent beginning. There could have been more intentionally hilarious montages, fewer unintentionally hilarious montages and less of Jay channeling Tyra with his speech and mannerisms, but this show, the contestants and the judges all seem serious about the competition. They kicked off the right girl, their critiques were on the money, Jay is trying really hard and there is potential in the room. I’m sticking around next week for sure. And not just to count the places I’ve been that they show.

In Five Words

10! No, 20! No, 10!

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