“The Girls Go Fish” spoilers below:

Things that happened

No one misses Mika. I’d feel bad for her, but I don’t miss her either. The girls celebrate by rearranging their Ikea furniture. This show has been so product heavy that I’m wondering if Ikea is a sponsor or if this is a free shout out. Or if I’ve just been to Ikea so much that I can instantly recognize their “Lack” line instantly. I am a sad person.

The girls discover they have a hot tub, which make me seriously question their navigating abilities, considering they’ve been in the house a week and they just found it now. But this sub-plot doesn’t matter yet. Why? Because it is make-over time! Hooray! There will be tears! And unhappy girls! And fed up judges! And it will be fabulous!

Or not. The make-overs for the large part make a lot of sense and work really well. The two I don’t get are Rebecca’s (which worked in her photo, so whatever) and Gina’s (who got a Natasha ANTM Cycle 8 cut and that worked for Natasha, so why not Gina?). So really, I can’t complain. Which makes me sad.

What makes me even sadder is that all the girls are surprisingly mature about their changes. Sinead gets all her hair chopped off and she’s crying (YES!) but then explains it is because is reminds her of when her sister had cancer. Then Sinead goes off and donates her hair to Locks for Love and takes an awesome post-make-over swimsuit photo. Damn.

Why their post-make-over photos must always be in a swimsuit, I’ll never understand. Why, Tyra, why?

For those of you who didn’t catch this episode, I’ll briefly run down the new looks. Steff goes blonder and her hair gets more shape. It’s good. Rebecca goes bright red and gets a blunt bob. They should have gotten rid of her bangs, but I am going to assume she has serious acne problems up there and forget about it. Tara gets a blown out weave. Tia goes copper red and gets way more hair. I think she got my favorite make-over. Jacqueline just gets more shape, Mo just gets a cut and color update and Cori gets a “Gisele.” I want a named hair-cut. I also spent most of the episode wondering which famous person they’d channel when I am on Canada’s Next Top Model (this is my new goal in life) and if they don’t choose Anastasia from Search for the Next Pussycat Doll, I am a complete goner.

The best part about the whole make-over sequence is how Jay pretends he is far too busy and important to be there, then spends the entire time in his car in the parking lot receiving cell-phone photos of the girls from Nole (product placement!). It’s creepy and hilarious at the same time.

Because Sinead is so awesome, she wins a $5000 dollar shopping spree at “Toronto’s hottest shopping spots.” I currently live in Hamilton and am “hip” and “with it”, so I know this means the Eaton Center! Sinead is so lucky! Oh, and it is courtesy of Visa. (Product placement!) Did I mention the girls who got new hair color did so courtesy of Clairol Nice and Easy? (Product placement!) Seriously, America’s Next Top Model was never this much of a whore. It makes me sad that I’m more closely associated to ANTM’s cheap hooker cousin than her glamorous younger sister. (That would be Australia’s Next Top Model for you folks as obsessed as me).

When the girls get back to the house, their Jay Mail (on DVD!!) tells them they are “looking for fish in the sea.” Tia wonders if they are going swimming. I love Tia, but I’m going to come right out and say it – the girl ain’t the brightest crayon in the box, even with her new hair. It gets worse, trust me.

The fish Jay refers to are in fact actual fish. The girls are shooting beauty shots this week, but because this show refuses to do anything normally, the girls must do so with various seafoods affixed to their heads. At first I thought that maybe they were trying to go for some weird quintessential Canadian vibe, then remembered this show isn’t taking place in a quaint East Coast fishing villages. I am confused and angry and want Tyra back so she can explain to me about how she once had to so a shoot with live killer squid in the Arctic Ocean in -58 (Fahrenheit!) degree weather but rocked it anyway because she’s a top model. But I get nothing of the sort.

Sinead is amazing and every second she is on screen I love her more. Jacqueline does far worse than she thinks she does, Steff is just too drag queen-ish (but as Jaslene recently proved, this attribute really means nothing), Gina just gives me “pretty girl at the mall” and that is it, everyone loves Rebecca and I just don’t get it, Mo is way better than last week, but still isn’t good, Cori is pretty but doesn’t know enough to know how to deliver pictures – her good ones are just flukey –, and Tara is good, but could be better.

In the middle of all this, Sinead got to go on her shopping spree and came back with presents for everyone. Awww. I love her! Have I mentioned that yet? There is also freakish close-ups of the girls eating crappy junk food. I get it—models eat. But please don’t give them Doritos. (Product placement!). That’s just gross. Models need to be healthy and chemicals that resemble chips won’t help that. Here, Tia feels the need to explain to the girls that the snails are alive and will stay to their heads via suction. I want to say she is joking, but I really don’t think she is.

At the house, the girls are greeted with the little black dress every woman should know and love. They must “make it their own” and wear it to judging. At judging, the girls get an accessory challenge – this was done in Cycle Two of ANTM. Here is the rule about these challenges: Go for PEARLS. Think Audrey Hepburn! Nothing else! The judges will hate it!

At least they will when the judges are NORMAL! After making it completely obvious these girls do not love and worship Tyra and her constant reincarnations on television, we get everything from “Vegas Cowgirl” to “Little House on the Prairie” to “Easter Sunday.” The worst part? The judges love it. Well, except Vegas Cowgirl. And anything that reminded them of church. I don’t think Jeanne or Jay like Jesus.

As for the photos, Sinead’s is cover-of-Vogue amazing. Tia’s, Cori’s, Tara’s and Jacqueline’s are good. Apparently Rebecca’s is too. Mo, Gina and Steff’s all are pretty bad, but better than last week’s. During deliberations, Sinead faints, but it turns into the biggest non-event ever, ending in a lecture in the importance of dehydration. In the end it comes down to Jacqueline, whose picture is good, but whose personality is demure (and on tv comes across like old dishwater – not her fault, but still) and Steff, who looks like a man (again) but the judges “believe” in. Since Jay refuses to let go of the spirit of Tyra, they keep Steff and send Jacqueline home. If Steff doesn’t go home next week, I’m screaming “they’re keeping the blonde because she’s blonde” from all rooftops everywhere. People need to know about all the discrimination that happens on this show. Seriously.

Next week: Miss J. Miss J! Miss J!!!!!

Things that were good

• After an entire season of ANTM and knowing who is going home in the first ten minutes, it was nice to have an elimination that was surprising but not unjustifiable. Yes, I think Steff deserved to go home more than Jacqueline, but at this early stage in the game, girls can get buy on potential.
• Sinead is kind, smart and sweet. Why is she on this show? I thought being mentally unbalanced was a requirement!
• With the exception of Rebecca and Gina, all the make-overs were fantastic and really improved all the girls’ looks. Rebecca’s look is definitely and editorial look, but I just don’t get it or see her potential.
• Tara is annoying but her ability to flat-out admit she is a jealous bitch is refreshing.
• Paul Alexander is a delightful judge. Everything from telling Steff off to his sparkly blazer to dancing at his introduction to calling the girls “swamp donkeys” makes me so happy.
• Giving Sinead the no hair look? I’m going to make Sinead O’Connor jokes all season long!

Things that were not so good

• As far as make-over episodes of Top Model go, this has to go down as the most boring in the history of Top Model. There were no spastic fits, no insane tears, no DRAMA. Sinead cried a little, but because her sister almost died of cancer (so that’s why she is on this show!) and Rebecca hated her look, but just got quiet and pissy. Te saddest part? I was actually missing Tyra’s theatrics.
• This is only the second season of Canada’s Next Top Model. We don’t need multiple gimmicky photo shoots this early. Although, Sinead’s photo was super fierce. Even Tyra would be proud.
• I like Sinead a lot and think her photos have been amazing, but she is definitely getting the front-runner who breaks down edit. She can’t stand out this much this early or this entire season would be a bust.
• The fact the episode ended with an entire montage of the girls bitching about the other girls just goes to show there isn’t enough drama to make it interesting. That’s probably why they got the girls a hot tub. As we all know, hot tubs always lead to drunken pseudo-lesbian antics.
• When Jay was calling out the girls during judging both Matt and I could speak with him – the exact words and inflections. Dude, get your own judging style.
• Speaking of Top Model copy cats, Jeanne, I love you, but stop channeling Janice Dickinson. Just judge and you’ll be fine.
• Yasmin is really thoughtful, but she just seems bored. I hope she gets more comfortable as the season continues.
• It’s been kinda boring so far. It better get better.

This is a slow and steady start for Jay and CNTM. Make-over episodes are usually my favorite, but this one fell pretty flat in the drama department. Watch it to see make-overs that make sense and girls that are sane. And to watch Jay’s dead-on Tyra impersonation. I’m not going to change the channel on this season just yet, but it needs to give me more before I become a satisfied customer.

In Five Words

There’s No Swamp Donkeys Here!

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