“K&R” spoilers below:

Things that happened

As we learned at the end of the last episode, Tom’s brother, Mark, is being held hostage in Afghanistan. We can tell the episode is going to be serious because the opening theme music is serious.

Everything is chaos backstage, because people are getting bits and pieces of information sporadically and people are getting insane ideas involve ransom money and Jesus. The ransom the kidnappers want is insane: peace in their country, Americans to leave and all sorts of other impossible to get stuff. Even though they haven’t asked for money, Mary Tate, the lawyer-whore thinks they will take it. This devolves into Mary using her lawyer connections to talk to TRASK, this super secret agency that negotiates international kidnappings. I feel like she is only doing this to impress Matt with her clout. Oh and is it ever working. This is why Harriet isn’t getting any now. All she does at times like this is pray.

TRASK is being reluctant, because they only want to talk to Tom’s family before they go through with it. Why? Because these things fail almost every single time. This doesn’t rattle Matt though. Neither does the ten million dollar price tag. It was a million dollars, but Tom is so very famous, his being related to his brother is apparently worthy of a nine million dollar price increase.

I think Mary Tate is hauling these numbers out of her ass. She is so desperate to get laid.

Meanwhile, Tom is freaking out because people are learning that it’s his brother and doesn’t want special treatment. It does suck, having the other two soldiers overshadowed and all the footage on television be of Tom instead of what’s happening in Afghanistan. Kinda like the time CNN cut the story of that super important army official resigning to bring us up to date on the Paris Hilton saga. (True story). Jack and others are trying to get the news feed telling everyone this suck down, but this effort is futile. The army sends over a chaplain and an officer to sit with Tom. Tom acts kinda like a jerk through the whole ordeal. It’s the first episode ever where I don’t like him. Then I remember what happened to his brother and I feel bad.

Once Harriet realizes being annoyingly nosy and demanding everyone’s attention isn’t working for he, she decides to become annoyingly religious and prays in public. This leads to an annoying montage that proves Matt and Harriet have been having the Jesus fight they had all season over and over and over well into the past millennium. I’m not sure why this is here, but hey, it kills a few minutes. Was this what Aaron and Kristin’s entire relationship was like? That’s pretty sad.

Throughout all this, the show keeps flashing back to the night in 2001 where the war starts and the Emmys get canceled again. Surprisingly, nothing is different. Harriet is dating Luke, Matt hates it, Danny and Matt are in charge, Matt has something gigantic stuck up his ass, and Jack really doesn’t care what the hell goes on with his show, he just wants to make money. I guess we got this to show us that nothing has changed and that the war is important and the relationship between comedy and war just cannot be ignored.

Also during the flashback, we find out Andy’s baby (the baby who is now dead) was born when the Emmys were canceled. And he smiled. For the first – and probably last – time ever. They named the baby Millicent. That is all I will say about that subject.

Speaking of babies, Jordan is at the hospital. She has high pressure, the baby’s cord is wrapped around her neck, Jordan is about to go in seizure mode and is being treated by Doogie Howser. Danny is really not into the Doogie Hower and acts like a total ass, refusing to talk to Jordan about anything she wants to talk about, and disobeys most hospital rules including cell phone use and jewelry in surgery. You see, Jordan’s condition becomes so bad they need to do an emergency C-section and Danny decides this is the perfect time to ask Jordan to marry him.

She says yes and is pushed off into the emergency room sunset. I really didn’t want her too, but it would have been kind of mean. She has like 6 or so episodes to back out of marrying him and remembering he is a creepy stalker. Maybe once the pregnancy hormone end she will come to her senses.

But we won’t find out if Tom’s brother or the baby will be okay until next week!!! Oh no!!! What if they both die? Will I actually be sad?!

Probably not. But I am cold, heartless and evil.

Things that were good

• Because I’m a last slacker who didn’t recap this the first time, I had to download it and watch it again! However, it wasn’t awful the second time around. I still think the premise is completely moronic, but the dialogue was fairly engaging and fairly fast paced. (Minus every scene with Mary Tate.)
• Even though the religious argument montage was annoying, it was the first time I could see Matt and Harriet together. Do I want them together now? No. Do I believe they were together – and good together – in a previous life? Yes/
• Cal hugging Tom was adorable.
• I appreciated the irony in recognizing that the biggest audience manipulator in television is a pregnancy in jeopardy.
• The officer was awesome. From talking to the singer to demanding a drink, I want him on the show all the time!
• Jack knowing Matt and Danny’s names in the flashback and not caring to get them right was fantastic. I love Jack Rudolph, everything he says and how he says it.

Things that were not so good

• I’m sick of Matt and Harriet. While this episode was probably the best episode between the two of them in a long time, it’s still tired and I just want them to both move on.
• The entire premise of this episode – and the next two because it’s a three parter — is ridiculous and insane. Even Matt said “this feels like a tv movie.” Despite that self-awareness, the entire episode took itself way too seriously to be bad in an “this would never happen in real life” sort of way.
• No matter how much Danny loves Jordan, he will forever act like a creepy stalker.
• Two meth overdoses and a knife wound? It’s like someone decided to go “look, I know my place! Doctors are far more important than comedy writer.”
• Danny needs to get over the fact that Jordan is the boss and his girlfriend and actually talk to her about things like the ratings. And maybe also give her a say in the medical processes surrounding her own baby.
• The way the comedy writers talked about the war during the flashback was very uneducated, juvenile and somewhat conservative. I know I wasn’t there and I’ll never comprehend the American political landscape in the early post- 9/11 era, but Matt came across as a conservative Middle-America grandfather. It was just weird.
• Why did Harriet start to pray out loud and in public? After spending all that time crafting this space as a non-practicing Jewish space, I think this would just annoy people, no matter what was going on around them.
• Why couldn’t they just tell Jordan her blood pressure was high?!
• Hawaiian Tropics girls are always dumb. This is as true as gravity.
• Why is it that people are under the impression that “good” Christians prayers get answered? I just don’t get Christianity at all.

Worth Watching if…

…you want to watch a bad West Wing knock-off. If this episode had taken place in a setting where the plot was relevant and it was happening to people I cared about, it would have been a really good episode. I just couldn’t get past how out-of-place it all was. It felt like I gimmick, to prove to us this show is timely and relevant and important and those who aren’t watching are silly. And it didn’t work.

In Five Words

Ten Million Cash Please, Jack

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