The box office results for the weekend of June 15 to 17 were all about love and hate. Love, because America once again showed its love for a group of four superhero science adventurers who love nothing less than puns. And hate, because, well, apparently America hates teen girl detectives. And why shouldn’t they? Skank ass bitches are always trying to break up the honest man’s moonshining business.

All the numbers below were generated at random using an entirely different random number algorithm than the one employed by the movies.com box office report

1. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

If I were to make a list of the top 100 things that everybody loves (even if they won’t admit it), the Fantastic Four movies would definitely be on there. And I’m saying that as a guy who hasn’t even SEEN the second one. But, honestly, there’s nothing to dislike about these movies. They have jokes. They have action. They emphasize family and togetherness. All the plots generally end up being about togetherness and why prejudice is bad.

I’d go as far as to say that anyone who hates the Fantastic Four movies is a terrible person. Probably a sex offender of some kind.

2. Ocean’s Thirteen

Still haven’t seen this, as I am having a hard time getting over the nonsensical numbering in the title. I understand that thirteen is one bigger than twelve — most people understand that — but that’s nowhere near reasoning enough for me. It’d be like if they made a sequel to Nine Months and called it Ten Months. Or made a sequel to The Whole Nine Yards and called it… shut up.

3. Knocked Up

Jack Kentala raves that this movie is, perhaps, the greatest comedy of all time. That is kind of reaching, in my opinion. I get his point, though — it’s probably the best comedy in the last five years. Further, good all-out comedies have been so rare recently. Generally the movies with the most laughs per minute are, in fact, character dramas. Or quirky stuff like Charlie Kaufman puts out.

But whatever. I don’t think this is doing as well as The 40 Year Old Virgin did, which is sad. But I think a lot of people just went to that movie because they thought the idea of Steve Carrell getting his body waxed — and screaming “AW KELLY CLARKSON” — was really great.

It was not that great.

4. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Johnny Depp’s confused reaction to the existence of Japanese children probably had a lot to do with this movie’s box office decline.

5. Surf’s up

This, on the other hand… I’m not sure who to blame. John Heder would be my first guess, because his very existence in a sign of the apocalypse, but I’m not sure any actor’s unending vortex of suck can be so powerful as to sink an animated feature. Maybe it’s just that people only like anthropomorphic animals in unrealistic situations to a point. Penguins escaping the manhattan zoo? Okay. Penguins dancing and singing showtunes? Delightful. Penguins surfing and filming a documentary? Now you’re just testing our patience.

The Rest

The big story this week is Nancy Drew‘s failure to even crack the top five. It actually debuted at number seven, below even Shrek the Third which has been out for five weeks now. Some sources have speculated that Drew‘s low box office returns are, in fact, a clever marketing ploy, working as a lead-in to a sequel in which the titular young detective seeks to solve the mystery of our waning popularity. Other sources have laughed at this and referred to it as, verbatim, “bullshit.”

Next Weekend

• 1408 — John Cusack versus an angry hotel room!
• Evan Almighty — God’s Wrath versus Steve Carrell with a fake beard!
• A Mighty Heart — Angelina Jolie versus TERROR
• Black Sheep — Chris Farley and David Spade versus escaped bees

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