Things get positively godly this week as Evan Almighty debuts and promptly bombs, proving once and for all that Americans only like their religion when it’s wacky and involves Jennifer Aniston’s boobs. Other big stories this week include the relative success of 1408 — likely because people thought it was some sort of sequel to 300, which itself was a sequel to Seven — and the abject failure of the Angelina Jolie movie A Mighty Heart, likely because people thought it was some sort of sequel to A Mighty Wind.

The numbers herein are credit the schmovies.com box office report, and not the movies.com box office report. The schmovies.com site is currently experiencing network difficulties.

1. Evan Almighty — $32,112,000

Poor Steve Carrell. People are surely going to take the opportunity given by this massive bomb — the movie was the most expensive comedy ever made — to write that Carrell is, in fact, “no Jim Carrey.” Which is true, I guess, in the sense that Carrell isn’t so goddamned tragic with the please-just-like-me pratfalls and the constant appeals to emotion. But they’re going to mean it in the way that Carrell isn’t a box office draw. And that’s just not true.

Carrell was saddled with starring in a comedic retelling of the Noah’s Ark story. Think about that for a minute, and then try to find the humour in a story where a divine being causes mass genocide because he’s kind of pissed about the level of partying going on. It’s a fucking ridiculous story, regardless of how religious you happen to be. And that’s without even taking into account the weird incest-centric epilogue to the whole thing.

2. 1408 — $20,175,000

John Cusack is apparently a genre actor and nothing else. He found success doing teen romantic comedies in the 1980s, languished in the 90s, and now has found his groove again with the genre of mysterious horror things. I guess that’s good for him, as he needs the success, but I kind of miss seeing him in stuff like Gross Point Blank and Adaptation.

I’ll never see 1408, but the trailer is pretty funny. I like how Samuel L Jackson’s real strength as an actor is telling people not to do things. From telling people not to say ‘what’ to telling people not to go outside and mess with the dinosaurs to telling the snakes to get off the fucking plane, he’s always a voice of reason in a world gone mad. And, also, in the trailer to 1408, I like the scene where it is seemingly snowing in the hotel room.

3. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer — $20,150,000

Geez, this came really close to beating 1408. $25,000 is, what, like one hundred tickets, probably. Not a lot. Did I mention last week how much I hate the title of this movie? I mean, I like it, in the sense that it’s not just Fantastic Four 2 or, worse, X-Men: The Last Stand, but, still, it’s not like the Silver Surfer rises from the centre of the earth. He actually descends. He descends from outer space. Descent of the Silver Surfer would have been a lot better.

This is a big drop for Fantastic Four, but the movie’s still done well enough overall that we’ll likely see a third installment. Which means, probably, that the Mole Man will show up. That’ll be good news for actor Mike McShane.

4. Ocean’s Thirteen — $11,345,000

I saw this on Friday. The verdict: pretty good. Certainly better than Ocean’s Twelve, which was bad in so many different ways. After learning just how much screen time Eddie Izzard got as their awesome computer-hacking buddy, I’ve decided that I am okay with the title, as his addition to the group makes an even thirteen. Still, though, they should have put him on the poster.

It’s a little disappointing that George Clooney and Brad Pitt are actually funnier when they’re just talking to each other in interviews and such than they are when they’re having scripted interactions on-screen, but there was still some funny moments in the movie. Brad Pitt’s a serial bachelor; George Clooney’s a married man with kids — it’s like a crazy mix-em-up. That’s great.

5. Knocked Up — $10,636,000

Another very close result! Imagine if the number two position was swapped with number three, and the number four position swapped with number five. Things would be different! My comments, however, would be mostly the same. They’re non-specific that way.

Knocked Up is great. It’s phenomenal. The only negative thing I can say about it is that all the publicity surrounding it and Judd Apatow’s involvement has forced me to come face to face with the fact that I have long been pronouncing Apatow’s last name incorrectly. I thought it was like ah-pah-toe. Like a mashed ‘potato’. But it’s actually ah-pah-tow. I feel really bad about that. I hope he never noticed.

The Rest

The big news is that A Mighty Heart made itself ripe for punny headlines. I’d suggest “A Mighty Heart Shows No Heart” or “A Mighty Heart Not So Mighty.” Or maybe even “I Might See A Mighty Heart — Actually, No.” Whatever your flavour, the Angelina Jolie flick debuted in the tenth spot, below Nancy Drew. Though, it should be noted, the detective movie was playing at way more theatres.

In any case, I think the clear message of the summer is that girl movies are stupid and that the real money is to be made in superhero sequels and movies about robots.

Next Week

• Ratatouille — Patton Oswalt finally gets the exposure he deserves. As a cartoon rat.
• Sicko — Michael Moore’s beardless face finally gets the exposure it deserves. Moore is pissed that the American health care system could do nothing for what is sure to be a long and grueling regrowth process.
• Live Free or Die Hard — Cars flying through the air and smashing into helicopters finally get the exposure they deserve. Yet the biggest surprise will be found in the answer to the question of how, exactly, you get a character to say “Yipee-ki-yay, motherfucker” in a PG-13 film.