“Wikipedia doesn’t have the episode title up yet” spoilers below:

Things that happened

After the girls read the seriously sappy and summer-camp like note from Gina, Tia, Cori and Sinead find out they are evicted from their rooms! All the girls now must share the same room. I really hope this goes down like it did in Cycle One of ANTM where the apartment itself gets smaller and smaller until they are only allowed to live in one room.

But I think that might be asking for too much.

So now that this competition is almost halfway over, I guess it is time for the girls to learn how it get in shape. They have the general “I’m so awesome at everything” interview (Tara) and the “Wow, I haven’t worked out in forever” interviews (everyone else). The best part about all this was when they kept flashing to shots of Cori eating. That girl eats a lot of shit. How is she that thin?!

The girls get to take a spinning class with some spinning pro and Stacy Mackenzie, who is dressed like she is going to a roller disco. I guess she must have watched the last episode of Age of Love and got inspired. Yes, I made an Age of Love reference. No, I am not ashamed.

The girls do alright, considering most of them haven’t moved since high school gym class. Cori over-works herself and ends up puking, but we never get to see it. Instead, we are blessed with Tara’s confessionals describing the entire incident.

Is it just me or is the lighting during Tara’s confessionals way darker than it is for everyone else? She looks very sinister. What looks even more sinister is her cleavage. She has CLEAVAGE OF DOOM.

Tara and her CLEAVAGE OF DOOM tells us that Cori puked because she smokes. I think she meant to say smokers often are in worse shape than normal people, meaning Cori isn’t in very good shape, and she worked too hard. This is why she puked. Tara, however, skips steps one to seventeen and just equates smoking with puking. You smoke you puke. That is model logic for you right there.

Once it is clearly established that Tara hates the whole world, Jay comes in! It’s one-on-one time. However, these are very unlike Tyra’s and it feels like Jay actually wants to get to know the girls as opposed to getting as much drama going as possible. Damn! This doesn’t stop Cori from bringing up her dead boyfriend, or Tara from telling Jay that her mom is blind. Blind from POISON.

I guess now is a good time to tell you that Tara was an antagonist in a Shakespearean play in a past life.

Tia needs to be less weird, but more alive in judging. Sinead needs more confidence and needs to watch her back ‘cause all the bitches are out to get her, Mo wants to be more than the color of her skin, and Rebecca is all that (why?!)

Is Tara not black too? Why has this not been mentioned yet?

Now I feel racist.

For the challenge of the week, the girls get to learn how to pole dance! From a professional! As much as this made me laugh, it actually makes a lot of sense. Models need to be aware of their body and know how to move, and be in awesome shape. What else does that better than pole dancing?

Pole Dancing is also an excellent skill for former models to acquire. You know, for that good old resume.

The girls are all taught a routine and their challenge is to perform it. It actually doesn’t involve the pole that much. Tara’s all “I’m so awesome” and does a pretty good job. But guess what? SHE DOESN’T WIN! Cori does! Hah!

For her prize, she gets a spa treatment, photo shoot analysis and 1.5 more frames than the other girls. I’m amazed it’s a prize that is designed to help her with modeling. She chooses Rebecca and Tia to share her prize. Cori thought they tried the hardest at the pole dancing. That’s a pretty good reason.

At the spa, the producers try to provoke Cori into saying “Tara is a bitch” but it doesn’t happen. At home, Tara and her CLEAVAGE OF DOOM are confessionalizing about how much she hates Cori. Again.

The photo shoot is taking place at a gym in Oakville! It’s funny hoe most of this show isn’t even taking place in Toronto. Oh well. Oakville is a happening fashion spot. (Shaking head vigorously). The girls are decked out with whacked out pale make-up (except Mo, who gets dark make-up), weird dresses and get to jump on a trampoline. In theory, it’s a really cool idea, but in execution it comes out like, well, like it was shot at a gym in Oakville.

Cori gets to share her extra frames and she chooses Tia. Cori does okay, Tia bombs, Tara is too dancey, Mo is Mo, Sinead is Sinead and Rebecca, again, is amazing and I JUST DON’T SEE IT.

On the way home, Sinead, Cori and Tia channel Johnny Depp and go pirate. This delightfully pisses off Tara and she goes and confessionalizes about how much she hates them. Again.

At judging, the photos turn out pretty much as Nole called it. He’s pretty good at that. Most of the girls body shapes were really cool, but they were dead in the face. Tara is far too much a dancer to please anyone. In the end, it comes down to Tara, because models hate dancers, and Mo, who just isn’t very good. So, Mo gets sent home. I think she is largely sent home because when she was standing next to Tara, it was obvious how freaking short she is. Even with a faux hawk, Tara has two inches on her.

That or Jay is scared of Tara and her CLEAVAGE OF DOOM.

The best part of this entire episode happens right now. Mo totally collapses into tears, Jay feels the need to rush to her side and comfort her (it would have been far more hilarious if he just stood on his pedestal and waited!), Mo goes back to the house and bitches about how she is going to smash things when she gets home.

Next week: The girls appear to re-enact ‘N Sync’s Bye, Bye, Bye music video.

Things that were good

• Jeanne calling Tia unbalanced “mentally and physically”! It’s so true!
• And yet, Tia took it in stride. I’m beginning to like her a lot, but let’s face it, she is not a model.
• These girls are fitting so well into stereotypes! Rebecca is the rebel, Sinead is the sweet one, Tia is the ‘quirky’ one, Cori is the baby, Mo is the foreign exchange student and Tara (and her CLEAVAGE OF DOOM) is the bitch.
• Pole Dancing is a skill all models (and more importantly, former models) need to have.
• The premise for this photo shoot was great. It was very edgy and editorial. The make-up? Not so much.
• Who wouldn’t want pirate make-up? Only Tara and HER CLEAVAGE OF DOOM, that’s who.
• Every time Stacy Mackenzie is on screen, a fairy gets its wings.
• Oakville?! I know people who have been inside that very building!
• I think Yasmin is a brilliant judge. “Widen or squint” works so much better than “this.” grunt. “This.” grunt. If she and Tyra had a catfight, a pose-off or a walk-off, she’d so win.
• A challenge prize that helps the winner become a better model? I am shocked!
• I liked the reasons Cori picked Tia and Rebecca to share her challenge win and I liked that they both seemed grateful and pleased. I also loved that this resulted in several bitchy confessionals from Tara. She is so evil.
• If you smoke, you puke. There is no middle step.

Things that were not so good

• Why has the make-up for every single photo shoot these girls have been on looked like my junior high Halloween Dance gone wrong?
• While I wanted Tara to leave a lot more than Mo, why did she react like that?! It’s reality TV, not “Model of the Year!” I think Andrea is back at that candy shop, so really, you didn’t lose much. On a plus side, I wish she has smashed something on camera!
• I wanted the professional pole dancer to be the guest judge. Talk about disappointing.
• I will never understand what the judges see in Rebecca.
• I still want more drama!

Worth Watching if

Even though the girls are going glamorous places like Oakville and Mississauga, the show is far more fashion-oriented and industry conscious than ANTM has been in a loooong time. However, it’s becoming pretty obvious that none of these girls really have what it takes to be a real model.

In Five Words

They’re ALL Dirty Pirate Hookers

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