“What Kind of Day It’s Been” spoilers below:

Things that happened

After commenter Tom came up with the best — and most logical -– conclusion that this train wreck of a show could have, it ended not as Tom envisioned, but rather, in exactly the opposite form.

I’m sorry Tom. Maybe NBC can hire you to write their next big-budget, over-the-top serial dramedy.

We start out with Harriet and Danny at the hospital, waiting on Jordan. Matt shows up, because he is freaking out about the terrible news Mary Tate, lawyer-whore (who is, thankfully, not in this episode!) gave him. That news is, as we all should know now, is that Danny has no legal rights to the baby. Danny plays the “Fuck you Matt Albie!” card. He does this not because he is an insufferable asshole who revels in his own pain, but rather because Jordan is sedated and he knows her signature would probably get contested.

Danny then makes Matt go away because he hates having friends in times of trouble. Matt makes Suzanne send the papers over anyway and Danny decides to go for it. As he is yelling at the nurse, which is always the most effective way to get anything done at a hospital, the doctor needs to talk to Danny. RIGHT NOW.

Hooray! Jordan is dead!

But, after we get back from commercials, I am crushed. Jordan is not dead. In fact, she is looking really pretty despite being near death for four episodes of this show. Danny and Jordan laugh and love and kiss, all with Doogie Howser creepily watching them from behind. This is probably pretty accurate. If Neil Patrick Harris didn’t turn out gay, a creepy sociopath would have been my next guess.

Jordan has a big surprise for Danny too! Adoption papers! The baby can now be his forever! And, in a moment feminists everywhere who loved the fact Aaron Sorkin made a female a network executive with an androgynous name, cried because Jordan gave the baby Danny’s last name. Not even a hyphen. Hell, Rachel from Friends, the prissiest single mom alive, gave her baby a hyphen.

If hemophilia-like bleeding, possible strokes, a high risk pregnancy and a bacterial infection can’t kill you Jordan, this certainly won’t.

It is also revealed that Jordan has wanted to marry Danny since she first met him. Yes, since that very moment she blackmailed him and his bad dye job, using his drug habit to get him back on the show.

Meanwhile, Jack and Simon are still in Danny’s office and still mad at each other. Jack is also totally shit-faced and uses his divorce, McCarthyism and Matt and Danny’s quitting five years ago (we learn in a flashback this happens because Wes is a pussy and wants to apologize for the sketch. This made Matt really angry. He then quits because he is immature and Danny quits because he finally realizes he had a man-crush on Matt), to convince Simon to apologize. Eventually, Simon caves, but Jack is so hammered he decides Simon can’t and threatens to fight him. Had this scene been with anyone else other than D.L. Hughly, it would have been brilliant. Cal or Tom would have made my year. But no. That would be expecting too much.

Jack, unfortunately, doesn’t get to kick the shit out of Simon because something is going down with Tom’s brother.

All night, Tom and the officer have been fighting about whether or not Tom should take Mary Tate, lawyer-whore, up on her offer of buying back his brother. The officer is seriously against it, because if Tom’s brother had any integrity, he wouldn’t want Tom to do such a stupid thing. Tom’s all “Fuck you,” which is the theme of tonight’s episode. Before Tom can ruin his brother’s life, a Black Hawk crew miraculously comes in and rescues his brother in what must be the shortest hostage situation in American military history.

Daniel Pearl had it far worse. But since no one went to see A Mighty Heart, no one will ever know.

And finally, because the show couldn’t end any other way, Matt and Harriet get back together.

Things that were good

• It’s over. Finally.
• Aww, Matt and Danny love each other. Which is a good thing, because no one else does. Jordan is too drugged up to matter and Harriet is too crazy to matter.
• That officer, with 3000 friends, is one popular guy. It’s a shame they’re all dead.
• Have I mentioned that e never have to watch this show again? Instead we can watch it be released on DVD to extremely poor sales and relish the fact that if you write bad tv, you won’t get accolades for being an asshole.
• In the end, Jack Rudolph was the only character worth anything. Even Tom and Lucy managed to sour.

Things that were not so good

• I didn’t care enough about these characters to want them to all end up ‘happily ever after.’ And they all did. Even Andy, who now gets all-access rights to Jeannie’s ass.
• When Matt kept asking everyone if it was okay if he and Harriet dated, everyone should have thrown a fit. They gave no evidence whatsoever that it will last this time. Except, maybe, baby-jealously.
• Throughout that entire Tom ordeal his parents were never seen once! Not once! The lesson to be learned here is that if your son is overseas and at war, Hollywood and Aaron Sorkin don’t give a shit about you.
• Was Cal even in this episode? If he is so essential to the show-within-the-show, why did the announcer get more screen time than him?
• It took Matt admitting Jesus is real to get Harriet. That is one high-maintenance chick.

Worth Watching If

You want to savor the fact that you never have to watch this show again.

In Five Words

Matt, Jesus IS the Reason