“Wikipedia Hates Canadian Knock Off Television” spoilers below:

Today is go-see day! Since there are five girls left, they draw straws to see who has to go with who and who gets to go alone. I want to know who rigged it so Cori got stuck with Tara and HER CLEAVAGE OF DOOM. That was brilliant. Rebecca gets the short straw, so not only does she have to navigate all by herself, she needs to be back at the agency an hour earlier than everyone else.

The go-sees go fairly well for everyone, it seems. There are no disasters or breakdowns involved. All the designers still love Rebecca. (And I still don’t see it). Tara is too unpolished and tall, but has potential. Tia was great in person but weak in the photographs. Sinead was adorable. Cori was her whiny pathetic self “B model” (a designer said it! Not me!) self. If they set this episode up so that all of Canada would hate Cori by the end of it, they did a pretty good job.

For some reason one of the go sees in an acting audition, where they claim that Coldplay is an indie band. This is just ridiculous.

Rebecca screws up and doesn’t realize she didn’t have to go to the go sees in order. This results in her running out of time and missing two go sees. Tia and Sinead miss one, because Jesus hates Tia. Tara and Cori, despite their bickering (or Cori whining constantly and Tara having “Stuff it, bitch” written all over her face) make it to all their go sees. Damn. I wanted someone late! And disqualified! And endless bleeping! Where’s Brittany when you need her?

When everyone is back, Jay tallies all their scores. While Rebecca had the highest per-go see average, the fact she missed two means she is last. Tia’s ugly photos and Tara’s average-ness make them fourth and third. The only – and Jay means ONLY – reason Cori wins is because she made it to all of the go sees. She received a fancy five thousand dollar ring as her prize. Laaaaaaaaaaame. Give her something that will make her a better model, not a walking billboard for petty thieves.

This results in Tara (minus her CLEAVAGE OF DOOM) complaining endlessly because Cori is a lost loser without her and tell us she is NEVER average. Of course not. How can one be average when every confessional feels like it’s from Satan?

For their photo shoot, the girls are taken to a sketchy back alley (that’s probably in Mississauga). It’s a lingerie shoot for LG phones. Of course! I only make cell phone calls in public when I’m in my underwear. Thus, it’s only natural that this is the premise the company wants for their ad campaign. The shoot also involves giant dogs and Nigel Barker!

Every time Nigel is somewhere that’s not ANTM, people go on and on about what a noted fashion photographer he is. I never heard of him until ANTM. I suppose that it is no different than claiming Paula Abdul is still famous for her singing (or claiming that Sass Jordan was ever famous at all), but it still strikes me as weird.

The shoot goes fairly well for everyone. Rebecca really, really excited Nigel. I guess that’s why she thought that shirt at panel would be acceptable. Sinead is really good, Tia is pretty good, Tara is average and Cori, as always, is Cori. Christ, if this girl doesn’t go home with this edit, I’m going to throw something. At someone. And it will hurt.

After the shoot, the girls get to go to dinner with Nigel. This turns into a fantastic everyone-rags-on-Cori segment. The dinner itself is pretty uneventful, and Nigel leaves with the knowledge that models everywhere are idiots.

At panel, Nigel is the guest judge. Is anyone surprised? Jay makes all the girls tell him who is being misrepresented at panel. Sinead wins the “she’s more awesome than you’ll ever know” award and Cori gets the “she’s a fake whiny bitch award.” This makes Cori not only cry, but hyperventilate! Hilarious!

And it’s probably what saved her from being in the bottom two, despite the fact Nigel thinks she looks crazy in her picture. Rebecca’s picture is print-worth amazing, Sinead’s is impressive, Tia’s is surprisingly good for Tia, and Tara’s is blah.

I’ve been expecting the bottom two to be Tara and Cori, but it’s Tara and Tia. Those CNTM editors sure are sneaky!

After much deliberation in the judging room — it involves Yasmin getting pissed and Nigel pulling an ANTM-like gag (why did no one tell him that Canadians’ sense of humor is not lame? — an amazing thing happens! No one is going home! What’s even more amazing is that this is happening without an extra episode or someone quitting! That defies all Top Model rules!

Next week: we are, again, promised the drama that is yet to come.

Things that were good

• The photo shoot was for a product? With a decent premise? And good make-up? And produced ad-worthy shots? What happened?
• This photo shoot was the first time I could see why the judges love Rebecca. Despite the fact she wore a fucking scarf instead of a shirt to panel (she must have thought that it would impress Nigel), she was articulate, intelligent, professional and delivered a killer photograph. It’s becoming fairly obvious she is going to win unless Sinead suddenly turns it on, and I’m becoming okay with that.
• I liked how Rebecca acknowledged she was disappointed she didn’t win the challenge, but also that she knew she didn’t deserve to because she didn’t follow the rules. Tara (and HER CLEAVAGE OF DOOM) should take lessons from her.
• Nigel was there! How could this episode not be good?
• Then Nigel had to explain that Sri Lanka was an island. The lesson to be taken from this episode is that models suck at geography.<.li>
• The Tia/Tara impersonations of Cori were priceless.
• Tia freaked out about the cross so much, I thought it was going to burn a hole in her heart.
• It must have, because when Tara got the location of the heart wrong, Tia immediately corrected her.
• It took Nigel all of 30 seconds to realize Cori was crazy. Why hasn’t anyone else really figured that out yet?
• Cori doesn’t like orange cheese. Not processed cheese. Orange cheese.
• I really liked how much of the judging deliberation they showed. The judges really put a lot of thought into their decisions, and I appreciate that.
• Cori: “I’d get so lost.” Tara” “Yeah, you would.” Tara is a full on bitch. I love it.

Things that were not so good

• There was so much annoying Cori film this episode I was praying she was getting eliminated, I don’t want to put up with her anymore.
• Double eliminations are such a cop-out. It made Nigel coming all the way to Canada almost worthless.
• THE CLEAVAGE OF DOOM only made one appearance. This is very sad. They’re my favorite supporting characters.
• Don’t lecture the girls about the importance of not missing go sees when you give them a time limit and a shoddy map and a deadline that is in the middle of the work day.
• The way Nole says “baby, baby, baby” to Sinead is seriously creepy.
• Tia’s giant zit was so distracting during her confessionals. Why can’t they give her make up! She’s a model! Or are they trying to teach me a lesson that “models are real people too”?

Worth Watching if….

A solid photo shoot, sensible go sees, thoughtful judges, enough drama to make me hate multiple people and a visit from Nigel made this CNTM episode a keeper.

In Five Words

I Was Just, Like, Fuck.