Weekend Box Office Analysis for the Week of Transformers
A movies post by matt, posted on July 10, 2007 at 7:52 pm
Ah, America. Your insatiable hunger for giant robots that turn into things has been satisfied once again. Now those robots may return to their slumber, not to rise again for another twenty-odd years, as according to the prophecy.
Also prophetic in this week’s box office results: Robin Williams’ complete failure as License to Wed does little business, and will fade quickly, much like Williams’ career. At least until RV 2 comes out.
I found these box office results in a bottle washed ashore. Some have said they bear remarkable resemblance to the movies.com box office report. I, however, disagree.
1. Transformers – $70,502,384
Transformers is one of those odd concepts that’s almost completely devoid of creativity but yet still continues to possess enduring popularity. Sure, most great conceits can be boiled down to a single sentence, but Transformers is unique in that it can only be boiled down to a single sentence. It’s robots that turn into stuff. That’s it. There’s a bunch of Autobot versus Decepticon stuff that tends to follow it around, but that’s hardly an integral part of what makes Transformers work. What makes it work is the giant robots that turn into things.
In that vein, I think it’s kind of perfect for director Michael Bay, who seems to hate it when his movies get more complicated than that which can be displayed on a movie poster. With stuff like Armageddon or Pearl Harbour, you could tell he was sort of pissed that he needed to film all this set up and exposition, and that he really just wanted to film shit getting blown up. At least with Transformers he finally has that.
I, however, do not really have any patience for this movie. Predicted next weekend box office decline: 65%.
2. Ratatouille – $29,014,293
A rat who is a Parisian chef is a tough sell, we’ve been over that. This is still going pretty well, however, mostly on the strength of positive word of mouth. It’s kind of an interesting commentary on the movie industry that this is regarded as the “kid movie” while Transformers is, apparently, for adults.
I guess that’s not really a new phenomenon, though. I’ve long suspected that kid media is smarter and better written than adult media. Ever since I made the transition from Gordan Korman novels to John Grisham thrillers, in fact.
3. Live Free or Die Hard – $17,730,149
Erin and I saw this on Saturday. The verdict: stunning. And I’m not saying that all sarcastic-like, either, as you might expect after I’ve spent the first half of this article being a snobby jerk. Live Free or Die Hard is almost everything you could want in a summer action movie. It moves fast, makes no sense, features a plot about computer hacking written by people who, apparently, have never used a computer and, best of all, answers the age old question of whether a tractor trailor could beat a fighter jet in a freeway game of hide and seek.
The only downside? It’s PG-13. So suddenly John McClane is calling everyone “jerk-offs” where he used to call them “assholes.” But maybe he mellowed a bit in his older age, now that he has a daughter and all.
4. License to Wed – $10,422,258
It’s not even a good title. That’s not a pun! It’s just a reference to the fact that you need a license to marry someone. And, also, a vague reference to License to Kill, I suppose. But, fuck, at least give it a pun or something. Like Concealed Marry License or whatever. At least that would have given the movie some glimmer of hope.
Go away, you stupid movie.
5. Evan Almighty – $8,719,135
Aw, Jim Halpert and Michael Scott are neighbours on the weekend box office. Too bad the neighbourhood sucks. With this, there’s now a good chance Evan Almighty will fail to cross the $100 million mark, which is saying something considering it cost about double that just to make the damn thing.
Last week’s Entertainment Weekly went ahead and spoiled the ending of this in its review. And I’m going to do the same thing, seeing as how it’s so stupid. Apparently “ARK” stands for “Acts of Random Kindness” and that’s really what God, who is Morgan Freeman, wanted Evan and his family to build. In addition to being ridiculously stupid and dubiously grammatical, that kind of just makes out God to be a fucking coy son of a bitch, doesn’t it? The proverbial equivalent of coming up behind a guy and tapping his opposite shoulder, just so he’ll look the wrong way.
No other major debuts this week. Watching the big summer bombs, Nancy Drew is at #15 with just under a million bucks. It’s made less than 24 million thus far. I bet those plans for two sequels are looking pretty ill-advised at this point. But A Mighty Heart has fared even worse, holding the #16 spot and looking like it’ll top out at under $10 million. Angelina Jolie’s only hope might be to continue adopting kids and have them go buy tickets for her little pet projects.
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix — I still always picture Jean Grey at a fast food restaurant when I hear that title
- Captivity — I still always hate myself when I make that joke
- My Best Friend — Semi-sequel to My Best Friend’s Wedding
- Shortcut to Happiness — The only Hollywood picture brave enough to go against the Harry Potter juggernaut. It also happens to be Alec Baldwin’s directorial debut. I bet it’s about how the shortcut to happiness isn’t marrying Kim Basinger, getting divorced, and having a lazy, good-for-nothing daughter
See you in seven.