“It’s over!” spoilers below:

Things that happened

I’m going to cut to the chase. Rebecca won. Is anyone surprised? Okay, good. Moving on.

It’s their last fucking photo shoot. Did you hear Tia? I’m not sure you did. It’s their LAST FUCKING PHOTO SHOOT, people.

I’d write that one more time, but I don’t want to alienate my more conservative audience. Thank god there are no more fucking photo shoots.

All the girls get interviewed and they all think that Sinead is the greatest threat to their winning. Except Sinead, obviously. She thinks that Tia is her biggest threat. How come no one picks Rebecca?! I guess they, like me, just don’t get it. She’s going to come from behind! I can feel it!

Well, that’s what I would feel if it hasn’t been so obvious from the third episode that Rebecca was going to win.

The photoshoot is a CoverGirl ad. The girls need to be easy, breezy and beautiful. Sinead rocks every shot, because the editors think they are being sly! But I’m on to them! Both Tia and Tara start off slow, but nail the shot by the end. Everyone is worried about Rebecca because she is so “editorial”. (Matt keeps complaining that editorial is code for ugly. But he’s just grumpy Tia’s not going to win.) She ends up rocking it though, because she always does. I want to like her – I really, really do – I think I just need a few more episodes to do it. This is the shortest Top Model season ever! Seriously. It’s the LAST episode. And there are FOUR girls left. Someone, somewhere, did the math wrong.

Nole is in love with them all. I’m sad this is the last episode because everyone on this show who isn’t a contestant is delightful, especially Nole. They all should get their own show on Fashion TV. They can sit around, get drunk and say increasingly rude things about models. Then Tyra can come in am give them all a bitch-slap type sit-down. But they’ll be too drunk to care. And Nigel can come. And be pompous. It would be awesome.

The girls all get drunk and appreciate their last night together. Except Sinead, ‘cause she is still a baby. This is all pretty harmless, except that we learn they all have made out with another girl before. Rebecca then takes this opportunity to sleep without a shirt. The aforementioned trivia must have inspired her to think she could get some action.

The Jay Mail tells them they are all “one step closer.” You know what that means. TWO girls are going home.

At judging, all the girls shots are good. I’m really surprised with Rebecca’s. I think it’s my favorite. It’s a total throw-back to those 1950s movie stars. In an awesome way. Tara looks confident, Tia looks like she has a secret and Sinead brings the exact same pose she did last week. But it’s so awesome no one cares.

During the judges’ deliberation, all the girls get super positive feedback. Tara is the girl from the future, Tia is quirky, Rebecca is editorial and Sinead is commercial. However, two girls must go home.

But two young ladies get to stay! See how I did that? Jay refers to them as girls when they get kicked off, but young ladies when they get to stay. WEIRD.

Because Jay wants to mix it up, he is going to call the names randomly. Tia gets called first and she is gooooooooone. Sinead is next and she gets to stay. It’s down to Tara and Rebecca. Unfortunately, Tara and her CLEAVAGE OF DOOM are leaving us. So sad.

Tia knew she was going home, but like all contestants, promises she will be back. Tara gives a glorified speech about how all of Canada will be let down because she didn’t win. Because Top Model is exactly like the Great War. Tara must return home with the terrible news that we will no longer have freedom.

It’s sad, isn’t it?

Rebecca and Sinead get to stay! Yay! What’s even better is that they get to have a motherfucking walk-off.

Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!

(Is it bad I made two television references within the span of two lines? This is not a Gilmore Girls script.)

It’s for some designer named Lucian and it is in a hotel lobby, but thankfully the theme is actually cool. It is not “Evolution” or “Zombie Brides.” It’s 18th century Victorian-era meets Parisian haute-couture. It’s actually really cool. The girls give their requisite “I’m so scared and nervous” interview pre-show. The show rocks. Rebecca was fantastic, as everyone expected. However, Sinead is the real surprise. Everyone was worried she couldn’t walk and that she was too short to do runway. But the girl proved them wrong! Hooray!

Post-show, the girls give their “I rocked it! I’m so going to win!” interviews.

At judging, Jay keeps going on about how this is the “biggest decision EVER!” (Even bigger than dropping the atomic bomb!) and how this is the “closest Top Model final EVER!” (Out of all 121 international versions!) They go through the photos, which are all beautiful. Both Sinead and Rebecca are way better than a lot of the top American girls in recent cycles.

The judges say a lot of intelligent and rational things. Both these girls can be models, but who will they put their weight behind; should top models have commercial or runway as their forte, etc.etc. They are putting a lot of thought into this decision and that was nice to see.

In the end, it’s Rebecca. She deserves to win. She’s tall, she has the body, she is edgy, she can walk, and she can photograph. But why, oh why, did they give her that hair?

Things that were good

• This entire CNTM cycle has actually been about fashion, which was a refreshing change of pace. The CoverGirl photoshoot was impressive, the runway show was realistic, it was all good. Kudos to this cycle, CityTV. I’m impressed.
• While it has been obvious for a while who was going to be the top two – and, really, who was going to win – they both earned those spots.
• I’m glad the girls, despite their drama, bonded. The catfights on ANTM are hilarious, but also petty. Especially considering the average age of an ANTM contestant now is something like 22.
• I loved Nole. I loved the judges. I hope they all come back next year.

Things that were not so good

• This season felt way too short. I don’t know if it was the non-elimination, or just selecting 10 contestants, or what. But other than Tia, there didn’t seem to be a lot of progression among the girls.
• Was there no drama this episode because it was the last one, or because Cori was gone?
• I hated the way the judges trashed Sinead’s walk, then put her in the runway show. She rocked it, but still.
• When they did the montage of all the Canadian celebrities at the fashion show, Ben Mulroney was not there. Wait, this should be under the “good” list.
• This site is going to be updated far, far less now.

Worth Watching if….

You watched that “Evolution” fashion show that ended Cycle 8 of ANTM. A hotel lobby is a HUGE step up from a high school gym.

In Five Words

Editorial Does Not Mean Ugly

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