Oh man. My career as a box office analyzer is quickly crumbling into dust. First I was wrong about Transformers. Then I was wrong, again, about Transformers. And now I have been proven titanically wrong by a little movie called Hairspray. Needless to say, the trauma brought to me by these events has made it particularly hard to find the motivation to write a column this week.

And yet I beat on, boat against the current, borne ceaselessly into these numbers that appeared one morning, written in the sky by a plane with the movies.com box office report logo emblazoned on its side.

1. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry – $34,233,750

I know I describe a lot of movies in this column as stupid, but this movie is perhaps the stupidest of all the movies I’ve covered thus far. And I use ‘covered’ as a synonym for ‘wrote shit about’, really, as it’s not like I went out and conducted interviews or did research. But regardless, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is just absurd. Nothing about it makes any sense.

Consider: the title, which is something that is never said, by priests or otherwise. Then consider: the plot, which includes an evil insurance company that seeks to prove that the titular pair are not gay, despite the fact that no insurance company ever would do this — there’s no requirement that you have to be in love or sexually attracted to one another to get married. Then consider: the concept, which relies on the fact that there still must be, somewhere, people who find the idea of two men kissing to be disgustingly hilarious.

Lastly, consider Jessica Biel. Who is terribly untalented and seemingly has a role in this movie that makes no effort in its explanation for getting her to run around in her underwear. That’s probably the one good part.

I’m not really anti-Sandler. I like him well enough in Happy Gilmore and The Wedding Singer. But this is just pathetic and probably anyone who saw it should be beaten with a hammer.

2. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – $32,511,350

I wonder if this film’s strong performance — it’s actually tracking ahead of Harry Potter 4, which is rare for sequels — is due to the ending of the last book, wherein Harry is killed by Sauron after his pact with Lord Zed is violated in a trip to the Technodrone.

I’m kind of bad at this fake-spoiler thing.

3. Hairspray – $27,476,745

This is my defeat, spelled out. I honestly did not think a musical whose selling feature was John Travolta in fat-lady drag would do very well. On this I was hideously, hideously wrong. This is the top-opening movie musical of all time, even when you adjust past grosses for inflation. Think about that: it’s insane.

I’m not sure what exactly accounts for the early success. Sure, the film was marketed strongly, and it’s just about the only female-skewing movie around these days, but I don’t think that’s enough. Rather, I think the film succeeded because of its most ridiculous (and derided by me) element: John Travolta in fat-lady drag. Men in fat-lady drag is incredibly popular right now, to the point where it is neck and neck with torture porn for “Fastest rising new genre.” In films like Norbit, Big Momma’s House, Madea’s Family Reunion and Big Momma’s House II, men in fat-lady drag brought huge numbers.

But, for some reason, I didn’t make the connection between those successes and Hairspray. Perhaps because those movies were targeting the African American audience, whereas John Travolta’s african american appeal is, I assume, quite low. But then, with Hairspray‘s success, he may have changed that. I really can’t say. It’s possible that John Travolta in fat-lady drag singing songs based on the plot of an old Jon Waters movie could be a significant step toward racial unity in America.

It’s also possible that it might not be. But you know better than to listen to me.

4. Transformers – $20,514,497

Similar to the above, this — being the first non-sequel looking to cross the 300 million dollar mark this summer — is probably a significant step toward human-robot unity in America.

5. Ratatouille – $10,899,179

And, yes, rodent-food unity

The Rest

No other major debuts this week, aside from Danny Boyle’s Sunshine in limited release at #25. It boasts a massive per screen average and its posted strong reviews, so it might be worth checking out if it ever gets to a theatre new you. It might be a significant step forward toward unity between humanity and outer space in America.

Next Week

• The Simpsons Movie — I guess the question is whether it will suck more or less than your average recent Simpsons episode. But, either way, it will probably still suck.
• Who’s Your Caddy? — Big Boi sure waited a long time to find the perfect film project to kick off his solo acting career. This is sure to show Andre Benjamin, whose funniest titled film to date was probably Four Brothers. Who’s Your Caddy? is way funnier than that.
• I Know Who Killed Me — Was it a crazy woman driving around L.A. while drunk and carrying large amounts of cocaine?

See you in seven!

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