Weekend Box Office Analysis for the Week of The Bourne Ultimatum
A movies post by matt, posted on August 8, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Last week, in a fit of stupidity mixed with sleepiness, I declared that The Simpsons would be “the last big broad-drawing movie” of the summer. I am, apparently, a fucking liar. This week’s box office numbers show that to be true. And, what’s worse, next week’s numbers might show that to be doubly true. But I can hardly be blamed for forgetting about Rush Hour 3, can I?
The following numbers were whispered into my ear by the hottest woman I’ve ever known. She approached me in a bar just outside of Reno. We danced and laughed and loved into the night. The next morning all that was left was a note reading “movies.com box office report“. It lay limply beside me on the pillow as I slept.
1. The Bourne Ultimatum – $69,283,690
I’ve been wrong a lot over the course of doing these box office reports. In fact, I’ve been wrong so often that I’ve pretty much ruled out “box office analyst” as a possible career path. It’s been tossed into the trash bin alongside “economist”, “prison guard” and “Face wash spokesperson.”
I knew Bourne 3 would do well, but this is still surprising. I like these movies a lot — I haven’t seen this latest one yet; I plan on it — but, still, you wouldn’t think a rather densely plotted Matt Damon spy thriller would do so damn well in its third installment, would you? Especially since the draw has gone from “Matt Damon can’t remember his own past as a superspy!” to “Hey, remember all that stuff that happened three years ago? That continues here!”
Still, though, I guess in a summer with nothing that can really be described as an “adult” action film, Bourne was primed to flourish. And good for it. I hope Matt Damon is happy. And I hope Ben Affleck is sitting alone somewhere eating a big tub of ice cream while mumbling something about how he was going to be the new Jack Ryan once.
2. The Simpsons Movie – $25,110,873
That’s a steep drop from last week, but it has to be expected, considering both how huge the opening weekend was and that the hardcore fanbase has already moved on. The internet moved quickly through this Simpsons revival — all the stages were there. We were worried! Then placated! Then pleasantly surprised! Then mildly appreciative. And now we’ve just forgotten.
It was a wild ride while it lasted, though. I hope for the next movie they deck out a bunch of comic stores as the Android’s Dungeon. Or fish restaurants as the Frying Dutchman. Or all monorails as crappy monorails with possum sleeping inside.
3. Underdog – $11,585,121
People said this would never be a contender and they were right. Underdog pretty much looks terrible, doesn’t it? It’s weird to think that there are people out there who devoted a year of their lives to making Underdog. It’s just mind-boggling that they cast fucking Jason Lee as the superhero in the title role when they had Patrick Goddamn Warburton in the same movie. That guy was born for jobs like this. Let Lee play whiny sarcastic dudes — Puddy is a real hero.
4. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry – $10,626,345
I, somehow, ended up seeing this on the weekend. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that they involve high levels of boredom and no internet access. And here’s the thing about Chuck and Larry: it’s not really that bad. I mean, it sucks, sure, but not in the way that something like Jersey Girl or Spanglish sucks. It doesn’t profess to be anything more than what it is, and I respect that.
Still, though, it sure is kind of a sad commentary on the slow acceptance of homosexuals in mainstream culture. We’ve gone from “Homos stay away!” to “Homos are hilarious and effeminate when I see them on TV and film!” And the latter still tends to come with a “But I wouldn’t want to know any of them” rider. Fuck, though, I guess any progress is good progress. Maybe Adam Sandler telling kids not to use the word ‘fag’ could be this issue’s million man march.
5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – $9,522,220
Riding high atop a wave of “there is nothing else for me to see except Underdog“, Harry Potter 5 is doing great. Pottermania seems to be cooling a bit, though, at least in terms of mainstream publications go. I’ve been surprised by just how many magazines and newspapers have been spoiling the end of the series, but I guess Rowling was smart enough not to really give it an ending that could be spoiled. Speaking of which, did you know she came up for the idea of Harry Potter on a train ride? And that she didn’t even have a pen on her? She had to borrow one! True story. I bet you haven’t read that anywhere else.
In other debuts, Hot Rod starts at #9 with just over 5 million — good news for Saturday Night Live fans who don’t want the guy who sang “Lazy Sunday” to leave the show. Bratz started even lower, at 4.2 million, making this a good week for the collective intelligence of movie goers. And, lastly, El Cantante opened in limited release to a low per-screen average, proving that nobody really cares that much about the Spanish.
- Rush Hour 3 — Maybe my problem with this movie is I’ve known French speaking Asian people, and I just didn’t find them that funny.
- Descent — Maybe my problem with this movie is that it isn’t based on that old PC game where you drove around in a cool hovering ship thing.
- Stardust — Maybe my problem with this movie is that I just don’t buy Claire Danes as a star.
- Halloween — Maybe my problem with this movie is that it is fucking August right now.
See you in sevenish,