Spoilers for “The Girls Go Cruisin’” below.

Things that happened

Rest easy, those who worried that America’s Next Top Model was going to feel a little stale this season! Sure, your concerns were justified, what with Tyra Banks being continuously over-exposed, to the point where her once charmingly insane personality now just comes off as whoring for attention, and the potentially show-crushing realization that no one who wins these things actually goes on to become a model, much less a Top Model. But the producers clearly considered all of this when drafting up this season’s high concept — a concept so winning and drastically different that it is clearly destined to bring ratings up in a big big way. That concept? A big godamned boat.

See, that’s the thing. You read “big goddamned boat” and you think “pfft.” You can’t really see how putting thirty bitchy, rail-thin, self-absorbed girls on a Caribbean cruise ship would really be any different than putting thirty bitchy, rail-thin, self-absorbed girls in a landlocked venue. But, honesty, consider the things the boat added to this episode: sea sickness, life jacket runway walks, pale-looking tourists wandering around in the background and, most strikingly of all, a killer “we’re all in the same boat… literally” joke.

Anyway, aside from being on the boat, not much was different. There were way too many girls and as such we never really got to know any of them aside from a few who all, predictably, made it into the top 13. Amongst those moving on to the next round there’s my favourite Heather, who has Aspergers and thus is representing Wikipedians everywhere, super perky Mila who could put a sunny spin on the Holocaust, evil incarnate Ebony whose probably just sick of all the Paul McCartney/Stevie Wonder references and humble Victoria, who just wants to do good in this world. Amongst the eliminated there was a girl named Marvita, which is what happens when your parents have their hearts set on having a boy and naming him ‘Marv’ and then it all goes terribly wrong, and a girl whose name was, I think, Sarcastimouse. Seriously. Can anyone verify that for me? I swear it ended in -mouse.

The girls did not have to do much aside from talking to Tyra, Jay and J and then do a quick photoshoot on a beach in Antigua. Tyra spent most of the episode ramping up even further her “this isn’t about beauty — it’s about something else” spiel to the point where it’s just becoming ridiculous. I mean, come on, the show is a little bit about beauty. It’s a goddamned modeling show. A goddamn modeling show on a big goddamned boat.

Things that were good

• Mining the Aspergers issue is a great idea. It’ll be like a milder version of Rain Man which is an all-time comedy classic.
• I really like watching Jay Manuel’s put-off expressions as he is not allowed to talk. He’s had a taste of the host’s chair and now he’s just lying in wait, waiting for Tyra to fall over during one of her stupid ‘comedy routines’ and maybe hit her head and die.
• I guess I can’t really complain about the random dance montage.

Things that were bad

• Would it be wrong of me to point out the rather prominent division of contestant types? I really don’t think “spoiled rich white girls versus round-upbringing black girls” qualifies as promoting diversity, nor does it make for very interesting television.
• Saying that someone is “a little too small to be plus-sized” is, when you think about it, so mathematically incongruous that it’d be like saying “6 is a little too big to be not 5.” Ridiculous. Just stay the hell away from calculus, Tyra.

Worth Watching If…

If you’ve ever, even for a second, thought that past season openers of America’s Next Top Model just weren’t nautical enough, this is the episode for you. Other than that, it was pretty much exactly the same as every other season starter: boring, confused, and filled with crazy women.

In Five Words

Yes, a big goddamned boat

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