Spoilers for “Lizards” below.

Things that happened

The title refers to Claire in two ways. First, lizards can regenerate their cells and so can Claire, thanks to her awesome powers. And, second, lizards are kind of slow-witted and boring, just like Clare is. She spends most of this episode tottering around and acting like a complete moron. Whether dunking her hand into boiling water for no reason, leaving her new car unlocked and then getting it stolen, or cutting off her own toe with a pair of kitchen scissors, Claire is fucking retarded.

I guess the idea is that Claire is bored by having to hide her powers and act normal. Which makes me wonder what exactly she’d be doing if she didn’t have to hide her powers. Would she be intentionally stepping in bear traps and leaping in front of speeding trains? It’s not like her powers are any fun to begin with — she has them for when she needs them, not for just cheap thrills. It’s like someone being upset because they never get to use their rape whistle.

But anyway. Claire acts like a moron. She gets all uppity in her science class and asks about a million questions about cellular regeneration in lizards and if it cold also ever happen with humans. Then her car gets stolen (this will probably be important later). She goes to tell her dad who gets kind of mad so she quickly changes the subject to how much she just hates this new life. Then she goes home and cuts her toe off, to see if it will grow back. Right before her eyes, it does. Unfortunately, it also happens right before that goddamn punk kid West’s eyes, who then flies away into the night after Claire spots him.

In other plots, newly Detective Parkman investigates the death of Hiro’s dad. After talking with Ando — is this the first time these two have met? — he brings in Crazy Old Mrs. Petrelli for questioning. She refuses to say much, but Parkman is able to read her mind briefly and find out that whoever killed Hiro is doing it out of revenge. And, apparently, Hiro’s dad was only the first on the list, as the invisible boogeyman seemingly attacks the hell out of Mrs. Petrelli in the questioning room, fleeing only after Parkman and a just-showed-up Nathan rush in.

Noah Bennet and Mohinder are also on the case of Hiro’s dad’s death. Noah has an Isaac original painting that foresaw the murder. Apparently there are seven others just like it, depicting murders that were thought never to have come to pass. Noah wants to find these other paintings so he can get to the bottom of this whole boogeyman deal. And then, you know, get back to some serious copying.

In a nice bit of congruity, Mohinder is asked by The Company — the one he secretly works for but also secretly does not work for because is double secretly working with Noah to take The Company down — to go down to Haiti and investigate a man who is come down with the mysterious hero killing disease. And because you can’t go to Haiti without running into some Haitians, the man turns out to be The Haitian. He is sad and wants to die because he believes God is punishing him, but Mohinder has other plans.

Also, Mohinder is a creepy fucking doctor, all “Diagnosis: MYSTERY. Prescription: My BLOOD! Injected into YOU!” But it works. The Haitian is cured. And after Mohinder casually drops that he works for The Company, he finds himself quickly mind-wiped. The Company is kind of pissed that Mohinder let the big guy get away, but are willing to forgive him. They’d be even MORE pissed if they knew that Mohinder let him get away on purpose, so that the Haitian could re-team with his good old horn-rimmed-glasses-wearing buddy Noah. Together, the two of them are about to set sail for adventure, and collect all seven of Isaac’s paintings to stop the murders.

In feudal Japan, everything is just so embarrassingly low-budget and tacky that I could barely stand it. Seriously, when fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 is depicting feudal Japan more convincingly than this show, you know something is up. Hiro wanders around the same fucking forest they use for every scene that takes place in this time period:first he tries to get Kensei to go fight, then he dons the armor himself, and saves the day (and the girl). Then Kensei gets shot by a bunch of arrows and Hiro gets all sad. But, don’t worry, it’s okay — Kensei has powers too. Healing powers, to be exact. I bet he’s related to the goddamned Petrellis.

Speaking of those goddamned Petrellis, Peter spends most of the episode tied to a chair surrounded by totally unconvincing Irish accents. He still can’t remember his name, but has a vague recollection of using his powers when he was discovered. He also got a haircut sometime between exploding in the sky and showing up in a shipping box in Ireland which, I think, shows great testament to his vanity. Pete’s befriended by the sister of one of the Irish jerks who are holding him prisoner, who soon discovers his powers. The Irish goons decide to use Peter to pull off a job for them, using a box of his supposed belongings as blackmail.

And, far off, those two kids from last episode are still running about, trying to get to New York City. We learn in this episode that they’re both super powered. The sister has the ability to kill people just by being near them, while her brother has the ability to bring them back. What does this mean for the rest of the season? Hell if I know.

Things that were good

• Once again: No Ali Larter. Is it too much to hope that maybe she died? I mean, come on, people die all the time. I would be okay with her character(s) dying off screen.
• The Haitian reappearance was a nice plot twist, though a bit weak thematically. Thinking about the Haitian’s arc over the last season, I can’t see how him just up and hanging out with Bennet again makes a whole lot of sense. Maybe someone more continuity-minded can explain it to me. But, still, they make a bang-up team.
• The movement on the boogeyman mystery was decent enough. I really liked Mrs. Petrelli realizing that Parkman was reading her mind. She’s a cool character — I’m glad they didn’t kill her. Though they probably will later.

Things that were bad

• Seriously, what the hell is with the scenes with Claire and Noah this year? They didn’t have such this hollow, awkward resonance they do now. Maybe it’s just because Claire is being written like an idiot, but I really really dislike everything going on with her character right now.
• Also acting stupid: Peter Petrelli. Though I guess that’s consistent with his character. Dude, you just threw a guy across the room with your mind — I am pretty sure you can figure out a way to get that other dude to give you that stupid wooden box you need so much. Turning to a life of crime is not the answer — fucking hurling him across the room is.
• Seriously, the Hiro in Japan stuff is bad in all the worst ways. It looks cheap, it feels terrible, the plot is entirely predictable and the Hiro character has become so bouncy and cheerful that they might as well stop paying Masi Oka to show up and just render him as a cartoon character.

Worth Watching If…

After a disastrous premiere, things still aren’t clicking with the second season of Heroes. This was, I think, a slightly stronger episode than last week’s, but that’s hardly saying much. Everything still feels aimless and too sprawled out. They really need to build up a central plot — like they had with Sylar last year — to keep things feeling purposeful. They also need to get Hiro out of feudal Japan because, seriously, it’s just bringing shame to all of us.

In Five Words

Toe-ing the line toward Suck

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