Spoilers for “97 Seconds” below:

Things that happened

A patient with MS is admitted for being unconscious for a freakishly long time after fainting. House thinks he knows the diagnosis, so he divides the wannabe-mini-Houses into teams and starts a gender war. Since Blonde Bitch is transsexual (I knew it!), she demands to be on the boys’ team. This relieves the girls’ team and angers the boys’ team. Immediately, the girls’ team — via Brunette Bitch — comes up with a thread worm diagnosis that relates to the patient’s recent trip to Thailand. After a series of increasingly terrible symptoms occurs — including choking, green blood, and no blood — the diagnosis is declared wrong and they try other things. Throughout this process, House repeatedly fires and unfires the boys team. This doesn’t stop Blonde Bitch from harassing Cameron and Chase into helping her (my guess is this is a sad plea for relevant screen time for these guys.)

In the end, it turns out the original diagnosis was right. The patient never took the pills he needed to cure him. They figure this out because the MS guy’s helper-dog dies (because he DID eat the pills), which is possibly the saddest death this show has seen yet. I semi-wondered if the patient asked for water as a diversion to not take them, but since no one on the show thought that, I must be an idiot.

Despite the pills-going-missing error, House fires all the girls except Blonde Bitch, who was on the men’s team, and Brunette Bitch, because she reminds House of Cameron.

Or something.

Meanwhile, there is this horrific House-wants-to-find-Jesus subplot, which begins with a guy in the free clinic electrocuting himself, includes banter with Wilson (who has been all kinds of awesome this season), and ends with House electrocuting himself. Why Princeton-Plainsboro lets House practice medicine mere minutes after a suicide attempt is beyond me. Mercy Hospital, where Foreman is, has it right.

Yes! Foreman makes his first appearance of this season! He is running his own diagnostic team in NYC. He is doing everything he can to be the anti-House, like being freakishly nice (which is so not Foreman) and wearing expensive suits (which makes him look good). In the end, Foreman pulls a very House-like move and orders risky radiation treatment. Instead of getting reluctant praise and a glimpse of the Dean’s cleavage, as House always does, Foreman gets fired. Why? Because some hospitals require their doctors to be responsible!
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Things that were good

• I really liked the Foreman sub plot. It was shot differently than House, it felt different, and it showed that the working conditions at Princeton-Plainsboro are ridiculous. House couldn’t survive a day anywhere else.
• While it was awful the patient died — and because of a simple error — it’s always refreshing when House moves away from this utopic medical fantasy-land that it often is.
• This might make me sexist, but the men wannabe-mini-Houses are all kinda awesome. The women? Meh.
• If old man does not get a job, I will cry.

Things that were not so good

• Chase and Cameron need some sort of purpose. Don’t keep them in the show for the sake of keeping them or just to act like one-dimensional House foils.
• The entire House-suicide attempt was lame and awful. It was almost as bad as the psycho-rape-victim episode. I hate when House gets philosophical. I’m not saying he shouldn’t, but when he does, I would like the writers to keep the plots within realistic parameters. The less I groan, the better.
• Brunette Bitch is the one who fucked up. Why does she get to stay?
• If Blonde Bitch gets a job, I will cry.
• While I recognize that this result demonstrates that House needs a cohesive, responsible, and trust-worthy team, it feels like another cop-out diagnosis.

Worth Watching if…

I’m really torn on this episode. While it shows how disheveled House becomes professionally without a good team, the fact he tried to kill himself for the sake of a scientific experiment sort of trumps it. However, it is again saved with the Foreman C plot, because Foreman can do no wrong in my eyes. He can give me unwarranted radiation any day. I’d never fire him.

In Five Words

Damn Right There’s No Jesus.

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