Last week, in a fit of stupidity mixed with sleepiness, I declared that The Simpsons would be “the last big broad-drawing movie” of the summer. I am, apparently, a fucking liar. This week’s box office numbers show that to be true. And, what’s worse, next week’s numbers might show that to be doubly true. But I can hardly be blamed for forgetting about Rush Hour 3, can I?
The following numbers were whispered into my ear by the hottest woman I’ve ever known. She approached me in a bar just outside of Reno. We danced and laughed and loved into the night. The next morning all that was left was a note reading “movies.com box office report“. It lay limply beside me on the pillow as I slept.
The summer box office season is drawing to a close. Of course, the summer isn’t anywhere near over, but that’s not really the point — when you start releasing your big movies in May, you can only go so long. This weekend saw the release of the last big broad-drawing movie, as The Simpsons Movie rushed into the living room, by which I mean the multiplex. Many wondered if the series’ small-screen success would translate to the big-screen. Many wondered if the film, based on a series that has not been funny for more than five years, would be funny. Many wondered if it would be better than the best-ever TV-to-movie adaptation, The Brady Bunch Movie.
It was a weekend of questions! And now, with these box office results which appeared spelled out in my morning bowl of alphabits — cereal that has little to do with the movies.com box office results –, we have some answers.
But the answer is definitely a ‘no’ on that better-than-the-Brady-Bunch-movie question. That movie was awesome.
That boy wizard sure is persistent, isn’t he? When he first burst onto the literary scene in 1997, who would have thought he’d still be around — and as popular as ever — ten years later? At this point, he’s surpassed pretty much all of the popular fictional characters from my own childhood. None of my supposed heroes — not the Ninja Turtles, not the Power Rangers, not the Planeteers, not Bruno and Boots and especially not anything to do with pogs — lasted this long. The only 80s-born characters that can even hold a candle to Harry’s longevity would be Nintendo’s Mushroom Kingdom characters. Nothing else out of the 80s has endured, barring the occasional nostalgia-fueled comeback like we recently saw with Transformers.
I’m not sure what that says about the 80s, except for maybe that they sucked, creatively, compared to the 90s. But, really, you don’t need to be a scientist or a pop culture analyst to come to that conclusion.
The following are this past weekend’s box office results! The numbers and positions came to me in a dream and were then stolen by the movies.com box office report because, sadly, I talk in my sleep.
Ah, America. Your insatiable hunger for giant robots that turn into things has been satisfied once again. Now those robots may return to their slumber, not to rise again for another twenty-odd years, as according to the prophecy.
Also prophetic in this week’s box office results: Robin Williams’ complete failure as License to Wed does little business, and will fade quickly, much like Williams’ career. At least until RV 2 comes out.
I found these box office results in a bottle washed ashore. Some have said they bear remarkable resemblance to the movies.com box office report. I, however, disagree.
This week’s box office was all about critical questions. First, will a hard-to-spell title affect an animated film’s box office? Second, do Bruce Willis action movies have more appeal when he’s playing a nostalgic character and hanging out with Justin Long? Third, does the Canada Day Long Weekend have any impact on box office returns? And, fourth, and most critically, why would anyone go see Evening? What’s the deal with Evening? It looks terrible.
So many questions! Very few answers! All this and more in this week’s Box Office Analysis!
And, once again, I got no idea who those movies.com box office report guys even are. They look shifty and, once, they tried to sell me stolen goods on a street corner.