In lieu of the Weekend Wrap-Up this week (Erin was going to do it! It’s Derrida’s fault she didn’t!), I’m going to present to you this masterpiece. It reminds me why Alanis Morissette is clearly a genius for our time and deserves more praise than any one man, woman, or deity could ever give her:

Unquestionably the highlight of my day.

Oh man. What a week. I meant to write about it sooner but I got sidetracked by, well, the very thing I intended to write about. But, with some seven hours left in this weekend, I am finally ready to do what this column sets out to do each and every weekend: wrap things up. I can’t verify this absolutely, due to my rather unique perspective on things, but I have to imagine that a weekend without a wrap-up would be like a flag without a pole. Essentially, it would just flounder about in the air and eventually fall to the ground all soggy or whatever. Or, in another scenario, it would simply be folded up and given to a grieving war widow. But in both cases the same point is made: the pole is an important part of the utter majesty of the flag.

And this column is an important part of the utter majesty of your weekend.

(Continued)

The last time, it was my turn to wrap the week up, it was my sister Jill’s birthday. Today, it is my other sister, Anne’s birthday. Happy Birthday Anne!

I have too many sisters.

On that note, this week was a busy one! March Madness, Irish craziness, and reality television extravaganzas filled my week with highs and lows and general chaos! While last week, the theme was death, this week, the theme is shocking endings! And babies! Duke lost! Rob and Amber lost! Jeopardy ended as it never ended before! Tori Spelling named her baby something normal! Diane Farber named her baby something weird! Angelina got another one!

Check out the highlights of this crazy week below!

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What a week this was! A week of lows, that is. And by lows I mean deaths. If there ever was a week to die, the first full week of March is it. It’s really the optimal time in a lot of ways. First, it’s well after the holidays, so there’s no concern about your death ruining any of that pleasantness. Second, it’s still winter, but it’s not the utter depths of winter, so odds are that while, yeah, things will be bleak for a couple of weeks after your death, it will soon be springtime and the sun will come out and people will move on. Which, if you’re a good and selfless person, is exactly what you want to happen.

Yes, this past week truly was the perfect time to die. Let’s take a look at the prominent obituaries of the past seven days in a special cheery death-themed edition of the Weekend Wrap-Up

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This week was a busy one. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. People were buried, people were arrested, people got knocked up and some people even insulted Jesus. That last people would be me. Who knew with a readership this small, I’d get hate emails? But I’m not going to write about any of those. No sir. Yes, Anna Nicole was buried, but there was not the showdown between Larry and Howard I was hoping for. The Oscars were this week, but they were long, uneventful and more often than not, confusing. With Britney and Lindsay in rehab, the bad teen star of the week was…Charlotte Church! Charlotte Church? Yes, Charlotte Church! The adorable little soprano that even my grandmother loves. You know it’s a slow week when that’s the biggest story.

On a personal note, today is my sister’s birthday. She never reads this site, so giving her a shout-out is like hoping Rob and Amber will lose (pointless and energy-wasting), but out of family obligations, I will do it anyways.

Happy Birthday Jill! Take it hard to the rim, and you’ll do fine.

That wasn’t supposed to be dirty.

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