The second thought I had was far less positive. It had to do particularly with Katherine Heigl, an actress who’s received (mostly) positive reviews from her work in the film. Despite those notices, however — and, sure, she’s mostly inoffensive — I think it’s fair to conclude that she is, by and large, not a very funny person. She isn’t witty, outlandish or otherwise hilarious. She does not make quips, nor use sarcasm well, nor know the first thing about a good pratfall. Any laughter that surrounds her is likely to always be due to someone else.

Despite all that, though, Katherine Heigl is likely to go on to star in a slew of comedies. Most of these will be bad. Some, I guess, could be good, but again, it will be due to other people’s efforts, and never her directly. In following this path, she’s set to join up with an ever-growing cadre of actors and actresses who have defined themselves as ‘comedic’ performers despite never really being funny. Some of them have even gone on to fantastic success, despite never really being funny.

Starting with Heigl — the newest addition to the list — I’ve put together a list of the Top 10 comedic actors who are not at all funny. These people are not — most of them — bad people. Some of them are even good actors! They’re just very bad comedic actors. If they’d just stop considering themselves funny, I could even see myself liking some of them.

Top 10 Comedic Actors Who Aren’t At All Funny

10. Katherine Heigl

I covered her inclusion in the introduction, but I will admit that she could prove me wrong on this one. It’s possible that Knocked Up won’t be the first in a long line of comedic leading roles for her. But considering her also limited dramatic abilities, the fact that recent interviews have made her seem to be an utterly loathsome person and my own longstanding grudge against anyone involved in the original production of My Father, The Hero (And, yeah, that includes you, Depardieu), I’m not exactly filled with hope.

9. Owen Wilson

I feel bad about including him, as he’s a legitimately talented writer and, often, a more than decent actor. He can play a quirky supporting character in a drama/comedy like none other, and the movies he wrote with Wes Anderson are amongst my favourites of all time. The guy’s a fucking Oscar winner, for Christ’s sake.

Still, though, he sucks at comedies. Especially broad, audience-pleasing type comedies. He added nothing except a distraction from Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers, and his work in shit like Starsky and Hutch and Shangai Knights is really just dreadful. His acting style is nearly identical to Matthew McConaughey’s, except that McConaughey looks better with his shirt off and has the good sense not to try and be like Will Ferrell all the damn time.

8. Jamie Foxx

Jamie Foxx is a pretty good actor. We all saw him in Ray. And then, again, in the many many months following Ray, in which he continued to pretend to be Ray Charles at every press event, awards gala, talk show and — presumably — family function he got within fifty yards of. All throughout that, the weird part was that the media kept dropping references to Jamie Foxx being a former comedic actor. There was clearly a discrepancy there, as Jamie Foxx has never said anything funny ever.

I really believe that. I believe it so much I’ll put it in bold. Jamie Foxx has never said anything funny ever. All you have to do to dispute the claim that he was once a comedic actor is to look at his résumé. The Truth About Cats & Dogs? Not funny! Booty Call? Not funny! Bait? Not even remotely funny. Collateral? Okay, a little funny, but only because Tom Cruise makes for a hilarious hitman.

Hell, he has a more legitimate claim to being a rapper than he does a damn comedic actor.

7. Ben Stiller

Some might dispute this, but let me explain. Stiller is, like Owen Wilson, a talented guy. He was, once, a very promising director, with films like Reality Bites and (seriously, it’s good) The Cable Guy to his credit. However, pretty much all of his recent comedic efforts have proved he’s way more interesting and funny behind the camera than he is in front of it.

As an actor, Stiller has exactly two characters. Either he’s an extremely neurotic “straight man” character, or he’s a completely over-the-top doofus with weird hair. There really is no middle ground. And it’s just utterly tiresome at this point, because his movies are all formula and nothing else. It’s all “Here’s wacky Ben Stiller playing dodgeball!” or “Here’s straight man Ben Stiller macking on Jenifer Aniston!” or “Here’s straight man Ben Stiller running from a dinosaur or some shit.”

It’s played out. And, looking back on the movies Stiller was in that are legitimately funny (There’s Something About Mary, Zoolander and, marginally, Keeping the Faith), they’re generally funny for reasons that have nothing to do with Stiller’s comedic performance.

6. Christina Applegate

The effect I described in my introduction in relation to Katherine Heigl could rightly be called the Applegate effect. Christina’s been appearing in various low-rent comedies for years, all stemming from the fact that she was, once, a cast member on Married… With Children and thus is convinced that she was part of what was funny with that show.

She wasn’t.

She gets such a high spot on this list nearly entirely on the strength of The Sweetest Thing, a comedy she made with Cameron Diaz that was, I guess, supposed to be a “gross-out comedy for chicks.” It was awful. Like, beyond awful. It had everything bad about movies. I can’t even begin to describe some of the offenses this movie committed. Suffice it to say there’s a lengthy sequence in which all of the main cast sings a song about big penises and then, all together, gestures at their own vaginas.

I almost put Cameron Diaz on this list, too, as she’s clearly another person who’s been appearing in comedies that is not at all funny. However, Diaz, unlike Applegate, has seemed to have realized over the last few years that comedy is not her strength, and settled into a nice “I’m a stupid airhead!” niche for herself. Applegate, on the other hand, continues to try really really hard, appearing in otherwise funny films like Anchorman and adding absolutely nothing to the mix.

This fall, she has a new sitcom. It will be neither funny nor successful. You can bank on that.

5. Martin Lawrence

I don’t even know what you could say about Martin Lawrence. His continued success in films is so baffling that he’s like the Stonehenge of actors. How did he get so famous? How does he not fall over? Did aliens build him? These are all legitimate questions to ask when considering the storied career of not-at-all-funny comedic actor Martin Lawrence.

Just scan his filmography and try to find a movie that was even remotely funny or enjoyable. Black Knight? Not even close! Big Momma’s House? Not a chance. Bad Boys II? Sure, if you find Cuban-American relations hilarious. Big Momma’s House II? What are you, stupid or something?

4. Wanda Sykes

Though not as big a mystery as Martin Lawrence’s continued success, Wanda Sykes’ enduring presence is still pretty fucking intriguing. She appeared as if from nowhere in 2001, and suddenly everyone was clamoring on about how funny and fresh she was. But she never said anything funny. Her whole schtick was just reacting angrily to things that, normally, wouldn’t make people so angry. That was it. And she was supposed to usher in a new era of comedy.

Even now, with numerous failed sitcoms, low-grossing films and not-so-many accolades, Wanda Sykes finds ways to stay on TV. It just doesn’t feel like an awards show now without Wayda Sykes saying something painfully unfunny at some point during the evening. And she’s still getting bit parts in movies (like the upcoming Evan Almighty), which they always feature in the trailer as if she’s some great draw, despite proving again and again that she is nothing of the sort.

Is it a government conspiracy? A pact with Satan? How do we reverse this curse and get her the hell away from things that are supposed to be funny and enjoyable?

3. The Wayans Brothers

I’m cheating some with this pick, but it’s hard to pick just one of the Wayans Brothers when you’re dealing with painfully unfunny people. The Wayans have a storied history of making absolutely unwatchable films that somehow go on to become huge box office and DVD successes. Their filmography is another that speaks largely for itself: Scary Movie, Scary Movie 2, White Chicks, Little Man. They really do love two word titles that kind of sum everything up, don’t they?

The Wayans’ success isn’t as mysterious as Lawrence’s, nor is their cultural endurance as maddening as Wanda Sykes’ is. Individually, all of the main Wayans — Damon, Keenan Ivory, Marlon and Shawn — have the potential to be funny (In Living Color had its moments), and all they’ve really done is tap into America’s love of comedies that do little more than reference other, more popular movies, so that the audience can be all “Ha ha, I remember that scene!”

Still, though, together, they’ve never done anything I could ever call funny, and I really doubt their ability to ever do so in the future.

2. Molly Shannon

Oh, Molly Shannon, the sequence of events that led to you being sometimes thought of as “funny” is so damn coincidental it’s like something out of an Elmore Leonard novel. See, Saturday Night Live did, for a long time in the 90s, suck hardcore. And not like it sucks hardcore now — this was a whole different kind of suck. It was, essentially, just Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, David Spade and others making gay jokes and talking about cocks. So, at the end of one particularly bad season, Lorne Michaels fired all those guys.

And so began a new era, which was — and a lot of this was media-driven — to be known as some sort of groundbreaking, women-on-top era, spearheaded by people like Cheri Oteri, Ana Gasteyer and, yes, Molly Shannon. And while, yeah, Oteri and Gasteyer could be pretty good, Shannon was almost never good. It was only her stupid rendition of the recurring Mary Catherine Gallagher character that, somehow, caught on with the audience. And, unfortunately, it was that character that made her a star.

Molly Shannon makes everything worse. That might seem harsh, but it’s true. There’s not a single thing Molly Shannon has been in that would not be better had she not been in it. She’s marred episodes of Scrubs and 30 Rock, along with a whole bevy of films, from Wet Hot American Summer to Serendipity to Happiness.

1. Robin Williams

This can’t be a surprise. Of all the actors on this list who’ve been posing as comedic actors despite not being funny, Williams is the one who’s been doing it the longest. And, sure, maybe there was a point in his early days, when he was still drug-addled, that he actually could make a decent joke, but those days are long behind him. Now, Williams is known for just rambling on and on forever, making Dennis Miller-style pop culture references that, unlike Miller’s, don’t make sense regardless of how many issues of The Economist you’ve read.

His status amongst movie goers is well-established at this point. He’s kind of the Norman Rockwell of comedies at this point — this safe, established, mostly non-threatening guy that people can talk about as “funny” without worrying about potentially offending anyone else in the room. And that’s the biggest problem with Williams’ comedy. It’s so inoffensive and appealing to everybody that it can’t possibly even be comedy. When the whole audience — which contains six year olds and sixty year olds — is laughing, it probably isn’t comedy. More than likely, it’s just Robin Williams speaking in a crazy voice. Or accidentally spraying himself with a bunch of fecal matter from his RV.

Williams is another guy who is, actually, a decent enough actor. His dramatic roles are good. His creepy bad guy roles are even better, generally. But no matter how hard he tries to get away, he always ends up back in the so-called ‘comedic’ realm, annoying the hell out of anybody who isn’t tired of his “check out all these various accents” brand of humour.

Conclusions

That’s a long list, and it got a little bit mean at points. If you happen to be one of the people I named above, I apologize. I am sure you are a wonderful person in your home life. Maybe even a funny person! I know that I am often at my funniest when I am not being recorded. However, even if that’s the case, you should probably stop trying to be funny on film. Otherwise I’ll probably have to be mean to you again.

Agree? Disagree? Let us know in the comments below.

Honorable Mention – If it’s not Paris, Milan or London, stuff the international destinations

I know fashion exists everywhere and it’s important to recognize and be inspired by all the designers across the world. However, I feel that they are beginning to really stretch the international destinations. I know a new destination makes it more exciting for the viewers, but this is not Survivor. Where you go in the fashion world matters. Especially considering the winner of Australia’s Next Top Model gets a trip the hell out of Australia, sending our girls to Australia feels like a big step backwards.

#10 — Reduce the Schedule to One Cycle per Year

The requirements to be a model are extremely difficult to achieve, and whether you pass or not is really no fault of your own – if you’re under 5’8”, feel free to blame your mom. While it is important for the show to demand the same criteria of it’s contestants the real modeling world does, the pool you get to select from begins to diminish. And things like Jaslene getting cut from one cycle, but making – and potentially winning – the next. Additionally, this will give you and your production team more time to craft the challenges and the photo shoots so they are no longer these ridiculous cheese-fests, but quality fashion photos any model would be proud to put in her portfolio.

#9 — Lower the Age Requirements to Sixteen

In Cycle 7, the biggest issue with Melrose was that she is old! Additionally, most of the girls in this cycle are moms! In the modeling world, your career should be half over when you hit 24 or 25, not just beginning. By lowering the required age to sixteen, the girls will be more apt to compete with the industry’s new models, you’d up the number of applications, which would produce greater quality contestants, and let’s face it – as drama-inducing as Renee is, nothing will beat a bunch of sixteen-year-olds away from home for the first time living in a tiny house. It would be Laguna Beach all over again.

#8 — Bring the writers back!

Ever since the writing team was fired and never replaced, not only can you predict the call out order fifteen minutes into an episode, the story-lines are non-existent. Previous cycles were fantastic at turning nothingness into compelling drama. This hasn’t happened this season AT ALL. And you know why? Because the producers have no clue how to concoct a story out of a week’s worth of footage. Get over yourself, Tyra. And get them back.

#7 — Find a Bitchy-but- Honest Judge Who Shows No Mercy

I’m going to come out and say it – I miss Janice. Twiggy, while supportive and nice, is useless as a judge. Outright useless. Nigel never says anything of value, Miss J. is far to concerned with being hilarious, and Tyra only sees what she wants to see. They need someone who can say “You Suck. Here is why you suck. Here is how you make it better.” Better than Tyra’s grunt and pose method. Not only is Twiggy useless, she makes for boring television, except when she tries to emmulate Tyra’a fashion sense. Get rid of her. Bring Janice back.

#6 -– Stop Worrying About Diversity

I think diversity is very important in modeling and girls — and women — everywhere need a wide variety of women representing them in fashion. However, this does not give you the right to keep the fat girls because they are fat. Or the black girls because they are black. It really takes away from what this show is trying to do. I love how every season a wide variety of girls are selected, from all sorts of ethnic backgrounds and sizes (over 5’7”!), but let’s face it—when a model sucks, she sucks. This show should be designed to give all the girls the same set of tools to model, then it’s up to them to bring it. I want a plus size girl to win this contest, but I want her to win because she is fantastic.

#5 — Keep the elimination process consistent

Tyra needs to develop a formula for how much each component of the show is worth: the week’s photo shoot, the week’s behaviour, the week’s challenge, past photo shoots, past behaviour and past challenges, then stick with it. It’s the only way to be fair, and the only way the best girl can truly win. Without this level of elimination discipline, Tyra and co. can manipulate the weight of each component do that who they want to stay will stay. It leaves me feeling confused (example: Cassandra and Sarah) and cheated (example: every time Whitney got to stay). It’s okay for an elimination to hurt, it’s not okay for it to be unfair.

#4 – Get More Involved, Tyra

Tyra needs to be more involved with the process from beginning to end. She should be there for the challenges, watch the training exercises, and just know what the fuck is going on. Beyond her obvious interventions for drama, of course. The problem with her detachment from the girls is that she is constantly shocked over personality quirks that arise in panel, and forces them to answer questions like “Who has the least potential?” I find this not only demeaning to the contestants, but her lack of involvement – save for opportune times in which SHE looks good – undermines why this show exists in the first place. Tyra knows fashion, she know how to model and she knows how the industry works. She really should be giving these girls that information above and beyond refusing sympathy in the judging panel for all the times Tyra rocked it depsite being hated on, sick, fat, in trouble, confused, seventeen, etc. She should also stop using herself as the bar from which to measure all these girls, but asking Tyra to tone down her ego is asking a lot.

#3 — but stay the hell away from the photo shoots

All that being said, Tyra needs to remember that she is a model not a art director or a photographer. Using this show to showcase her very amateur photography is lame and demeaning. Also, speaking over Jay when it is his shoot to direct and acting like a Mama hen is not the way to coach models to perfection. Tyra knows how to model and that is exactly what she needs to teach them. By not getting them the best photographers and the best art directors, she isn’t teaching them anything except that her personal interests are more important than the girls’ careers.

#2 – Still, remember to Stay TYRA

One of the greatest joys of this show, however, is just how bat-shit crazy Tyra is. I’ve been watching a lot of Australia’s Top Model and while Jodhi is a fantastic host technically – she is involved where it is in her expertise to be involved, visits the girls regularly, her critiques are valauble and sensible, and is not trying to be their friend nor their mother – but she is so god damned boring. Not knowing what Tyra is ever going to do or say – or wear — is part of what makes this show so good!

#1 – Give Each Episode – and the Photo Shoot – some Logic!

Currently on Top Model, there exists a huge disconnect between the weekly challenges and lessons and the photo shoots. One would think it would make sense – and be better training – if the three lead up to each other. I’m not asking for each task to be the exact same thing, but rather a logical connection to show which girls were listening and improving and which ones fell flat. I’d also like to see the challenges and tasks be far more related to modeling. Examples: these girls need to get in shape, meet a nutritionist, and go shopping to learn how to dress like a model. And then for these lessons to carry over into the next episodes. Models need to be healthy all the time. Fashionable all the time. You get it, it’s not a show for an hour a week, and I don’t see how there is anything happening in the current cycle to teach these girls otherwise. Finally, the photo shoots need to make sense, and need to mirror what real models do. This show used to do that. I don’t know why it doesn’t anymore.

In Sum

This show needs to care about itself again. I think that’s the fundamental difference right now between Australia’s version and America’s version. Australia is trying to find it’s credibility and is trying to produce a real model whereas America has lost all credibility, and Tyra doesn’t seem to care because her talk show has taken off. It’s become all about the ratings. But, Tyra, guess what? I won’t watch it if it’s bad!

Okay, maybe I will.

What do you think Top Model needs to do to get better for Cycle 9?

I’m completely torn here. While I do think it is a good thing to expose young girls to racially diverse princesses, the need for a core princess-heroine is in every film troublesome. Also, it is just a little late to be patting yourself on the back because you introduced a black princess. Hell, they did mermaid before they did ethnic minorities. Mermaids everywhere considered this a huge step forward. (Edit: I know that joke is old now, but I actually wrote this post months ago and just never got around to posting it. So it stays.)

Additionally, the princess being black and the film being set in New Orleans raises other identity awareness and political issues as well. Why New Orleans? Why now? Is Disney really this desperate? Or are they making a positive statement and reclaiming New Orleans as a positive cultural space? And can you really claim you have a progressive and unique outlook on the princess landscape, when the film takes place in a region that is predominantly African- American? How progressive is it to be accurate?!

However, Be-Something is not the place to have aggressive political debates about the Disney-fication of the universe! No! Instead it is the place to celebrate frivolousness and television and yes, even ‘Happily Ever After’ regardless of how contrived it may be. Because, no matter how controversial Maddy may be, we know the following: she will be able to talk to animals, she will find true love, she will teach young girls about the importance of individuality, strength, intelligence and having inner and outer beauty, she will teach us that being abrasive and whorish is in fact a form of feminine empowerment, and she will have a lot of hair.

So grab your tiara (and a boa if you have one), pour some tea, it’s time to explore the 10 best Disney princesses of all time!

(Note: I am beginning to feel really lame when Matt gets awesome top tens like “Fictional Irish Characters” and “Nintendo Romances” and I get ones involving cartoon princesses and Full House.)

Top 10 Disney Princesses of All Time

#10- Megara from Hercules

So Megara isn’t really a princess. She’s the girlfriend of some god dude who loves her so much he becomes mortal just to be with her. (Which is so how it doesn’t go in Greek Mythology). Now that is sexual power. She’s ballsy– she sold her soul to James Woods!– but whiny. She’s also a manipulative little bitch. But anyone who can seduce a Minotaur can’t be all bad. Can they?

High School Equivalent: If Megara went to high school, she’d be the hot bad-ass chick who smokes outside the school when she cuts class and spits on people as they walk by. You really want to be her friend, but after a couple of days making fun of the popular kids and coughing up a lung, you realize she is just insecure, and, well, kind of annoying. Plus smoking is really bad for you and all this hairspray is kinda itchy.

Pros: She totally slept with the high school jock at the after prom party, while his cheerleader girlfriend was doing jello shots and giggling with her pals.

Cons: She gave him herpes.

#9- Nala from The Lion King

I have to give props to Nala because she put up with possibly the cockiest Disney prince of all time! Who was voiced by

Johnathan Taylor Thomas, of all people! But at the same time, she is a total cop-out — she only got her princess status through an arranged marriage. Then she just shruGged her shoulders and ignored the fact he went missing for oh, I don’t know, several year. But she grew up, came to her senses and now she keeps Simba and the tribe together, while he is off prancing and gallivanting about with his meerkat and warthog pals. We all know she is the real ‘king of the jungle.’

High School Equivalent: If Meg is the ‘bad girl’, Nala is the bitchy, domineering cheerleader who doesn’t really like the captain of the football team, but dates him because it’ll get her somewhere. Eventually. And by somewhere I mean totally knocked, married too young, buying the big house, then sitting in her kitchen–er, cave– with a bottle of bourbon going “Oh shit.”

Pros: She’s a lion. Literally and metaphorically.

Cons: She’s a gold-digging whore. And, well, she’s a lion. That can’t be all good. What if she gets hungry?

#8- Snow White from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Ah, Snow White. The classic Disney Princess. She is beautiful, sweet and kind. But a little spacey, and a little dumb. Does she not realize living in a teensy cottage with seven little people is a little bizarre? And that taking food from strangers is just wrong? While the other princesses were off fighting wars and escaping from bad guys, the coolest thing she ever did was sleep an excessively long time. That’s truly princessing-it-up old school.

High School Equivalent: Snow White is Karen from Mean Girls, the pretty follower with no brain of her own and who will put out at a moments notice. This is not because she’s a whore, but because she really, really wants you to like her. One positive is that she made capes –and befriending the physically disabled–totally cool.

Pros:She will believe anything you tell her. And will keep all your secrets because she’ll forget them in three seconds anyway.

Cons:Evidence has indicated she might be narcoleptic. And she thinks her breasts, the physically handicapped and cute animals have feelings.

#7-Princess Aurora from Sleeping Beauty

Another old-school narcoleptic princess, only this one comes with hallucinations and multiple identity crises. The poor girl has no less than three names- Sleeping Beauty, Princess Aurora and Briar Rose, thinks three fairies are taking care of her in the woods who all have nothing better to do than fight over the poor girl’s dress. The worst thaing that happens to her s pricking her finger on a fucking spinning wheel, then sleeping through the awesome dragon slaying. If Megara is Lindsay Lohan, Ariel is JoJo, Jasmine is Christina Aguilera, Mulan is Avril Lavigne, and Cinderella is Jessica Simpson, Aurora is Mandy Moore. She isn’t as talented, isn’t as whorish and isn’t as controversial. While all the other girls are wearing too much eyeliner and various incarnations of the ‘hot-pant’, she has on a cardigan with embroidered flowers on the collar. She often fades into the background and takes her non-existent personality with her. Yet, through it all she manages to date quirky-cool guys (oh man, did I just compare Zach Braff to Prince Phillip? I did? Daaaamn.) who can do so much better. I mean, seriously, watching Millicent die was way cooler than watching Aurora wake up and meet Prince Phillip.

High School Equivalent: She’s the prim, proper yearbook editor, who knows she’s kind of dull and boring, but is amazingly okay with it.

Pros:She will bake you cookies.

Cons: She will give you a play-by-play about how she made them and the near-crisis over a flour spill. And she will tell you about her conversation with her mom and about her grocery shopping trip and her haircut…….

#6- Pocahontas from Pocahontas

Before Princess Maddy came along and ruined Pocahontas’ thunder, Pocahontas was the exotic one. Sultry, mysterious, deceptive, thickly accented and a little hard to understand. Her clothes aren’t practical, she never wears shoes, her parents named her Pocahontas for god’s sake, but still, there is something about her. Her dark, thick hair, her come-hither gaze, her seductively pointy chin, her Vanessa Williams-sung theme song……

High School Equivalent: She’s that foreign exchange student you always wanted, you thought you could have–I mean, have you seen the she looks at you?!–but you were too scared to just go for it. And now she is gone. Off into the woods. To lead her mysterious life and hang out with her raccoon and rabbit friends. Who, for some reason, were some of the few animals Disney refused to give human voices too. And that only adds to the mystery. Of what could have been.

Pros:It’s just like warm apple pie.

Cons: Apple pie is really sticky.

#5- Cinderella from Cinderella

Cinderella is the hardest princess to figure out. It must be all those years of family abuse and oppression. While she is the quintessential Disney princess, she is completely interchangeable with almost any other princess on this list. She was never really given a personality and was one of the last princesses to even get a sequel, the poor girl. Even capitalism doesn’t like her.

High School Equivalent:She’s the girl next door, the one who was always there you just never notices and kind of took her for granted because she had a Nintendo and her mom made awesome chocolate-chip cookies. Then one day, in senior high, you don’t have a prom date–seven (seven!) girls turned your ass down– and she agrees to go with you at the last minute. Then when she comes down those stairs, first it’s ‘daaaaaaaaaaaamn!’, then it’s love.

Pros: Those cookies. They are fucking goooooood. And you can have as many as you want, ’cause her mom thinks you’re cute.

Cons: Once you realize it’s love and ride off in your pumpkin-carriage, she’ll gain thirty pounds and turn into her mother.

#4- Belle from Beauty and the Beast

Belle is the princess-next-door. She has a heart of gold, a song on her lips and stars in her eyes, she’s one who doesn’t go with the flow, but she’s no bad-ass either. She’s contently oblivious, yet eerily perceptive, and possibly the best potential-best-friend on this list. Plus with her father being an inventor and all, you’d get some pretty neat Christmas presents.

High School Equivalent: She’s the literary poet gal, but not the beatnik kind. She wears flowy dresses and is great friends with the English teacher, and is the girl all the science geeks think they have a chance with.

Pros: She’ll explain everything you ever needed to know about Shakespeare to you before that big exam.

Cons: She won’t stop once the exam is over. And she might write you poetry, then expect some in return.

#3- Ariel from The Little Mermaid

Ariel is saucy, brash and follows her dreams. What else would you expect from a red-head with sisters like that? Beware the tyrant of a father, an overprotective crab and a little too much seagull action. However, this girl has got a song or two up her sleeve, will satisfy anyone’s fish fetish, and is the most likely to lure Johnny Depp out of the pirate spotlight and into some abyss-on-the-sea where he can never make a pirate-themed film again.

High School Equivalent: She’s your friend’s totally hot and spunky little sister.

Pros: She’s so little and looks up to you so much. And she giggles at all youR jokes! You’re sooo funny! Yes, you are!

Cons: She’s still in a training bra.

#2- Mulan from Mulan

Mulan is the only princess on this list who can claim she saved an entire country–and her family’s honor– single-handedly. Plus, she is pretty fucking mean with that sword. I wouldn’t mess with her. She’s got like forty thousand gods and forty thousand years of family ancestors on her side.

High School Equivalent: The captain of every sports team imaginable, possibly on a boys team too (and beats their sorry asses), four year MVP, and runs and jumps and breaks records amongst rumors she’s possibly a dyke, this girl will punch you in the face if you ever said it directly to her.

Pros: Unlike the other pretty-but-useless princesses, you’ll never really have to worry if your life is really in danger with Mulan around. It’s all a facade for the cameras. However, if Snow White was your princess-of-choice, you’d be royally (pun intended!) screwed.

Cons: She is definitely the most androgynous of the bunch. Do you really want to spend your days correctly “Uh, she’s a giiiiiirl?” And Eddie Murphy is her sidekick. And he is even more annoying here than he was in Shrek.

#1- Jasmine from Aladdin

Jasmine? Yes, Jasmine! This girl overcame not being the star of her movie, an over-bearing father, an evil suitor, being enslaved and hypnotized, and pants designed by M.C. Hammer to gain control of her kingdom, find true love and fight for women’s rights in a fictitious Arabia.

High School Equivalent: She’s still a cheerleader, but she’s the one they don’t really like and she knows it and doesn’t care. She’s just too pretty and too talented to be kicked off the squad. Sure, her boyfriend is a lice-infested, petty, homeless boy (who is the go-to-boy for illegal drugs on campus) whose best friend is a genie who lives in a bottle and is voiced by Robin Williams (you have to give her credit for putting up with that), but she stood up for what she believed in. And that was love. Plus, I am positive her hair conceals a weapon of sorts. Yes, a weapon. Of sorts.

Pros: She has a magic carpet! And low standards for boyfriends!

Cons: The carpet probably has lice. As does her current boyfriend. And she’s probably friends with Megara.

Now, to save myself from utter teenage girliness, I think I’ll go update my Mary-Kate and Ashley fan site.

So, instead, I’ll just focus on the contemporary interpretation of St. Patrick’s Day. An interpretation that can be quickly boiled down to these two elements:

• Drinking
• Everyone self-identifying as somehow Irish

Let’s discuss these more in depth:

Drinking

In many ways St. Patrick’s Day is the most honest of all the major holidays. Whereas Christmas, Thanksgiving, Independence Day and Arbor Day all like to disguise the fact that they’re about getting drunk with your relatives with pomp, circumstance and decorated foliage, St. Patrick’s Day is very clearly, very plainly and very loudly about getting drunk. Drinking on St. Patrick’s Day is so expected it might as well be required by law.

Everyone self-identifying as Somehow Irish

So the drinking element is simple, sure, but this one is a little more complicated. The thing about both being Irish and having Irish ancestry is that, well, not everyone can be it or have it. It just doesn’t make sense. Ireland is only one small country in Europe and while, yes, they did have quite a large immigrant population in the early days of America — and they fully followed that whole Catholicism edict that babies make Jesus happy –, they also had a lot of famine brought upon, I believe, by potatoes. So you have to imagine that the Irish population in America, while sizable, could not have been so all-encompassing as to give everyone Irish ancestry.

And yet on St. Patrick’s Day everyone is Irish. Doesn’t matter who. From the obvious red-haired guy slamming back Guiness and swearing at the TV in an entirely incomprehensible fashion to the less-obvious foreign exchange student from India who wears thick glasses, slams back curry, and talks incessantly about the flying buttress (because he is an engineering student), everyone can claim some Irish in them.

It’s like some sort of transubstantiation miracle, where blood’s been transformed into Irish blood which is, as I understand it, like regular blood but madder. And no one can really explain why, except to say that it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and if the other holidays can claim magical roots, why not this one? Christmas is all “Look, miracles — there’s snow!” St. Patrick’s Day, on the other hand, is all “Look, miracles — the floor is on a fucking sixty degree angle and my mouth tastes like battery acid; where’s me shillelagh?”

My Secret St. Patrick’s Day Shame

I’m not Irish at all.

I can’t even make some weak claim to the title. I’m British-crossed-with-Canadian-crossed-with-Baptist. A lethal combination if there ever was one, sure, but hardly something relevant to St. Patrick’s Day. Missionary Work, maybe, but not St. Patrick’s Day. So on March 17 every year, I’m one of the posers, singing Irish songs and swaying my Guiness back and forth. I make James Joyce references like I’m a goddamn scholar, but the truth is that I only ever read Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man and skipped some of the end bits with the poetry. But still. I try.

So I think it’s important that, this St. Patrick’s Day, I try and bring a bit of authenticism back to the holiday. To make up for all my years of Fake Irish, I’m going to shine the spotlight on REAL Irish. Or at the very least, fictional Real Irish, which is still sort of real, if you think about it the right way. Because what is fiction if not a mirror to reality? And what is a mirror but a window to an alternate dimension where everything is mostly the same, except they read things backward?

Do you understand what I’m saying? Do you understand that what follows is a list of the Top 10 Fictional Irish Characters of All Time?

Because it is.

The Top 10 Fictional Irish Characters of all Time

10. Captain Horatio McCallister, The Simpsons

It wouldn’t be any kind of pop culture list without representation from The Simpsons, that lovable prime time cartoon that refuses to die no matter how hard we try to stop it. The old sea captain character may not appear to have much Irish in him, but that’s only because he disguises his Irish heritage with layer after layer of odd pirate-and-sailor stereotypes. But despite his love of hot pants, real estate and Hallowe’en, the Sea Captain’s innate Irishness is plainly evident, particularly when he talks about his pure hatred for the sea (and everything in it). What better mark of hailing from the Emerald Isle than doing something you despise all day, every day, until it comes to define you? And then going home depressed and enraged, and looking for someone to blame?

Defining Irish Moment:

Man: “I’m telling you the light would work better if it pointed
out to sea.”
McAllister: “Arr, shut up. I know what I’m doin’.”
(a boat crashes in the distance)
McAllister: “Arr, I hate the sea and everything in it.”

9. Leprechaun, Leprechaun

I apologize. I needed to get the leprechaun jokes out of the way before I could continue this (very serious) list, and so it came down to this. Some will argue that this leprechaun, of the horror film quintilogy Leprechaun, is inferior to the happier, more charming leprechaun of the Lucky Charms advertising campaign. To these people I say: fuck you. You are scum of the earth and you deserve nothing but pain.

I feel that strongly about it. This leprechaun is a way better leprechaun. He went to space. And lived in the hood. It was amazing.

Defining Irish moment: In Leprechaun 2, when the leprechaun convinces one of the protagonists to stick his head in a giant metal rotor blade by disguising the rotor blades as a young woman’s breasts. It’s the same level of clever as we once saw from another, real-er, Irishman, Oscar Wilde.

8. Father Jack Hackett, Father Ted

Father Ted was a disgustingly short-lived series that aired on Channel 4 in Britain that I loved watching when I was 14 and dare not watch again, because it’s probably nowhere near as funny as I remember it. But still, from what I DO remember, Father Jack was the by-far stand-out of an all-Irish cast. Though a background character to the antics of Fathers Ted and Dougal, two priests exiled to an island for some reason (who sang a song about a ‘lovely horse’), he often stole the show with his bewildering cries and inability to do anything by himself.

Defining Irish Moment: The times when he was drinking and saying “Feck!”

7. Kenny McCormick, South Park

While the list up until now has been made up purely of people who were actually born in Ireland (or are leprechauns presumably created through magic in Ireland or whatever), by no means did I intend to limit this list to only those who have some claim to Irish citizenship. Being Irish-American is just as big a part of the Irish experience, in my opinion, as the culture persevered even as the population moved across the Atlantic ocean. And nowhere is the Irish experience more embodied than in the life of Kenny McCormick, a young boy raised in poverty who can’t ever seem to catch a break, no matter how hard he tries. Cursed with a difficult accent and a predilection toward dirty jokes & fighting, this Irish American kid from South Park, Colorado, never gives up, no matter how many times he gets crushed by the weight of the world. Or falling rocks.

Defining Irish Moment: Despite being stabbed through the head by a flagpole, Kenny continues to attempt to find success in America.

6. Sam Malone, Cheers

Again, an Irish-American pick, but easily justified when you consider the character’s history. Sam Malone was not only an entrepreneur, a former baseball player, a womanizer and a downright cool guy, he was also an alcoholic. An alcoholic working in a bar. In an obvious analogue to Ireland continuing to exist within Britain, Sam worked each and every day alongside that which would destroy him — beers and spirits and liquors and stuff. It was a constant struggle with no real shot at victory. But he never gave up.

Defining Irish Moment: Except for that one time he did give up, after Diane broke his heart. He drank for a while after that, until Frasier saved him and he found sobriety again. Relapsing is a pretty Irish thing to do, too, though.

5. Marty McFly, Back to the Future

While Mary Seamus McFly wasn’t defined so much by being Irish as he was by traveling through time in a plutonium-fueled Delorean time machine, his ancestry is a matter of record. In fact, in the third part of the trilogy we’re introduced to his distant ancestors, Maggie and Seamus McFly, both of whom have prominent, if slightly fake-sounding, Irish accents. McFly is another character who faced poverty and hardship — his family living in working poverty, indentured to another family, his brother in prison. But unlike most of the other Irishmen on this list, Marty was able to overcome adversity, largely due to his crazy inventor friend and the aforementioned time machine. Proving once and for all that Ireland’s best hope is a flying car. And, to lesser effect, Christopher Lloyd.

Defining Irish Moment: In the Old West, Marty hedges his bets and goes into a gunfight wearing a cast-iron wood stove door around his chest. Somehow he was really sure that he would not be shot in the face. I guess that’s that whole “Luck of the Irish” thing.

4. Tommy Gavin, Rescue Me

Tommy Gavin’s life is the perfect picture of tragedy. He’s the pure embodiment of the type of character who would say “Kiss my white Irish ass.” A lot of characters say it, but only Tommy really means it. He’s a rabid alcoholic, who continues to relapse, a pathological liar, a violent and sadistic fighter and he once, in a fit of brilliance, came up with the word “twunt.” Through it all, though, he’s haunted by his lapsed Catholicism, so much so that he continuously imagines Jesus hanging out with him at all times, looking disappointed at Tommy’s actions. It’s the kind of tortured life that us non-Irish people can’t even begin to imagine living.

Defining Irish Moment: Tommy, after a string of problems involving his ex-wife (or a dumb broad, as he would say), drinks an entire bottle of Vodka, hallucinates Jesus and then goes to Church to try and pray it all away.

3. Proinsias Cassidy, Preacher

Comic Book Writer Garth Ennis is nothing if not devoutly Irish. It doesn’t matter if he’s writing War Stories or Marvel’s The Punisher — there will always be an Irish character, and there will always be a flashback plot about the IRA and Michael Collins.

Of all of the Irish stories he’s told with Irish characters, however, Proinsias Cassidy, born in Ireland in 1900, and co-star/villain of the Preacher series is his best creation. Cassidy, as he’s generally known, is a hard-drinking Irish vampire whose only weaknesses are sunlight and addiction. Not only is he an alcoholic, he’s also a heroin addict with a long history of manipulating people with his easy-going and likable presence in order to score drugs. He’s not a good guy, no matter how hard he tries to fit that role. But it’s in that continuous trying that we find the Irish.

Defining Irish Moment: After his attempt to be good to Jesus Custer ends up with him doing wrong by his friend, Cassidy takes one last shot at redemption — and makes a deal with God that will let Jesse live.

2. Philip J. Fry, Futurama

Never has the Irish need for a working time machine been more clear than in the story of Philip J. Fry, a time-displaced delivery boy from 1999 sent to live in the distant future with his crotchety inventor nephew. Fry is the epitome of a hard-luck Irish-American: he’s not the brightest man in the world, he’s stuck in a world he doesn’t understand and his best friend is an alcoholic. A robot alcoholic. But again, it’s his spirit that defines him, as despite being stranded in a very strange world, unable to get any off the attractive one-eyed woman who lives with him, Fry makes the best of it, and eventually comes to terms with his new world.

Defining Irish Moment: In the episode Luck of the Fry-rish, Fry recalls his lucky seven-leaf clover. After initially determining that his no-good brother stole the clover, along with Fry’s identity, and used it to achieve great success, it’s revealed that Fry’s brother actually gave the good luck charm to his son, in honour of Fry. It’s the kind of unemotional super-emotional brotherly relationship only the Irish are capable of.

1. Matthew Murdock, Daredevil

Matt Murdock, better known as the blind superhero Daredevil, is of the same coin as Tommy Gavin in a lot of ways. Both are plagued by massive guilt over their past and their religion, both can be sadistically violent when provoked, and both are addicted to taking risks to save those in need. Where they differ, however, is in the outward expression of these qualities. Whereas Tommy is loud, abrasive and offensive, Matt Murdock has a quiet (and tortured) dignity. Working by day as a successful lawyer, Murdock’s only outlet is found at night, as Daredevil, as he swings around the city kicking muggers and rapists in the face. This is his sole addiction, and it’s brought him essentially nothing but tragedy over the years. And yet still he continues to fight.

And, oh yeah, he’s BLIND. He’s a blind super hero. He leaps off buildings despite the fact that he cannot see. That’s so fucking Irish.

Defining Irish Moment: Murdock does battle with the Master of Illusion Mystery, who convinces Daredevil that a baby he recently rescued is, in fact, the second coming of Jesus Christ. Murdock, consumed by guilt and the lessons he learned from the church, actually comes to believe that the kid is the messiah, and sacrifices everything — even, in a way, his one true love Karen Page — to save him. Only to find out that it was just Mysterio screwing with his head. That’s so fucking Irish.

Conclusions

I hope you keep these great and not-entirely-real Irish people in mind this St. Patrick’s Day, as you do what everyone else is doing. Sure, drink your green beer, but do so with one of the men from this list in your thoughts and prayers. Fictional Irish Characters are, after all, what this holiday really should be all about.

- Matt Elliott

People often talk about the classic love stories of film and fiction. Couples like Bogey and Bacall, Burton and Taylor, Jack and Rose, Butch and Sundance, Gatsby and the Green Light, Kermit and Miss Piggy, and Al Gore and that little pneumatic cart that lifted him high above the stage in An Inconvenient Truth are all enduring examples of the kind of romance that burns brighter than any other light. The kind of romance that defies all odds and makes all involved better. The kind of romance that defines the true meaning behind today, Valentine’s Day.

What people neglect to mention is that great romances aren’t just limited to the world of live action characters and muppets. Video games have for almost two decades been home to couples as much in love as any Hollywood star power couple. Nintendo’s games alone are so mired in the world of romance that the heart has become a near-universal symbol of nothing less than health. The message behind the symbol is clear: in these game characters’ eyes, all you need is love.

What follows is a list of the Top 10 Nintendo Romances of All Time. These are the couples that have loved so hard as to make one wonder if, in fact, they might be more than just the ones and zeroes of binary code.

Top 10 Nintendo Romances of All Time

10. Link and Midna, The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess

I guess Link and Zelda would be an obvious choice for an article like this, but I’ll spoil the next nine for you right now: they’re not on the list. Link and Zelda are the football player and cheerleader of the videogame world: they’re the couple that’s shoved into the spotlight, celebrated by all, made prom king and prom queen, and eventually have awkward sex in a by-the-hour motel room while the football player’s buddy stands outside drunk singing the one line he knows to Rick James’ Superfreak. (The line is “Superfreak”) But there is no passion there. They date because everyone expects them to date, and because if they didn’t date, everyone in school would be, like, ohmigod.

In Twilight Princess, however, Link found a person who actually meant something to him. Sure, Midna may not have been so much a woman as she was a weird impish thing from a dark and mysterious otherworld who liked to ride on Link’s back when he was in wolf form. And they never so much talked as she did mock him incessantly and order him to do things for her. But, still, by the end, there was clearly something in Link that drew him to her. Hell — and let’s try not to judge — maybe running around on all fours, covered in fur, with a little goblin thing on his back, tugging at his ears, was the first time Link ever truly felt alive.

It’s too bad it all gets kind of sad in the end.

9. Wario and Waluigi, Multiple Titles

Until Mario Tennis for the N64 in 2000, Wario was on his own. He didn’t have anyone to help him in his various plans to destroy Mario. And while, yeah, his motivations were pretty bizarre — seemingly limited to the fact that Mario weighed less, dressed better and had more friends — and his methods unorthodox, many of them involving hypnosis, he was determined, and because of that, he did make a friend, with the aptly-named Waluigi. Together they’ve hatched numerous schemes to ruin the Mario gang’s various sporting events.

From the time they used a comically large bomb to ruin the Mushroom Kingdom Golf Game and the time they used a comically large bomb to ruin the Mushroom Kingdom Tennis Match, it’s been a busy and trying time for this couple, yet still they remain together, throughout it all. Platonic or not, it’s poetic.

8. Little Mac and his Trainer, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out

There are not enough words to describe the kind of love that can blossom between a boxing trainer who looks like Carl Winslow and his client, a tiny little boxer that will, someday, beat Mike Tyson, but here are some that come close: divine, incorporeal, earth-shaking, undeniable, enterprising, badass, endearing, colourblind.

I will not imply that it was sexual. I am above that. I only imply homosexuality when it’s really funny. But good instruction only goes so far. To truly make a champion, you need a little love. Plus, none of his tips really had anything to do with boxing.

So, well, maybe it was sexual.

7. James Bond and Natalya Simonova, Goldeneye 007

I realize that these were, allegedly, characters from a movie first, but at this point the fact that Goldeneye was a movie first is about as irrelevant as the Zelda games on the CDi console. The game defined Goldeneye, so much so that watching the movie now will make you wonder where certain scenes are, only for you to realize that those scenes never existed in the original film — they were in-game only.

And damn if Bond and Natalya didn’t have one of the most metaphor-rich relationships in video game history. What guy can’t relate to having a girlfriend who follows him around all the time, gets stuck behind crates and ladders, wanders randomly into explosions and always stands in between your gun and the enemy? This is the sort of rite-of-passage relationship stuff everyone needs to go through at least once. But Bond, well, he’s a trooper. He makes out with her in the jungle at the end anyway. And then, presumably, does her — all eighteen polygons of her.

The N64 in many ways was a simpler time for gaming, but it was a complicated time for love. A complicated, annoying, objective-failing time.

6. The Ice Climbers, Super Smash Brothers Melee

The Ice Climbers were an odd addition to the Super Smash Brothers sequel, especially considering that their original NES game was bland, boring, and bad. You just pretty just jumped and climbed. It was hardly inspiring or memorable.

So I guess that’s why it was so surprising to see these characters, dubbed Popo and Nana, back in a big way on the Gamecube console in 2002. Whereas they were defined as nothing but blue and pink pixels originally, now they were defined by their togetherness. They were literally tethered together, and with that tether they fought everything from dinosaurs to intergalactic bounty hunters to whatever the hell Kirby is.

I don’t know what they look like underneath those parkas, but I like to imagine she’s attractive, and that he’s witty and roguish. And that he rides a motorcycle and she sits in a sidecar wearing goggles. And that when they’re not tied together with a rope, they hold hands.

5. Diddy Kong and Dixie Kong, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy Kong’s Quest

In Donkey Kong Country, Diddy Kong was always second banana. Donkey Kong was the star. He was much bigger, much bigger and much louder. Plus, Donkey didn’t hold barrels like he was a girl. Sure, Diddy could run a little faster, but when the main thrust of the game was punching crocodiles and swinging on vines, running faster was little consolation.

That’s what made the story of Donkey Kong Country 2 so romantically inspiring. Donkey Kong is kidnapped, leaving it Diddy’s time to shine. And who does he shine with? This little blonde-haired monkey girl who is just as agile and tiny as he is. Together they manage to save the day — he with his experience and she with her freaky ability to spin her hair really fast and hover like a helicopter.

It’s a match made in heaven that, unfortunately, turned tragic like so many others. By Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie’s Double Trouble, Dixie had apparently moved on past Diddy and developed a thing for guys wearing diapers. And after that, she was never seen again. Diddy’s back to partnering with Donkey Kong in Tennis double matches, the memory of the hovering girl little more than a glint in his simian eye.

4. Yoshi and Birdo, Various Titles

You know how sometimes, usually at Wal-Mart or Chuch, you see a person that you just can’t conceivably see ever having a relationship? People who are just so unfortunately shaped that loving them seems impossible? I feel bad about thinking it, but there are just some people who are just so physically unappealing that the very act of sex would be physically challenging, let alone emotionally and intellectually.

It’s that allowance that makes the relationship forged between Yoshi and Birdo so amazing. Yoshi is little more than a glorified horse that lays eggs and loves rainbows. He has a really long tongue that he uses to eat anything and everything. Birdo is a bad guy-gone-good, a possible transexual, fond of spitting eggs at things when agitated or excited, and in love with her pretty pretty bow. Yoshi’s only capable of low groaning sounds and quick yips of excitement. Birdo is only capable of sounding like a foghorn.

That these two found each other is as unlikely as a deaf leper meeting a blind paraplegic. It’s enough to make someone believe in fate.

3. Team Rocket, Pokemon Games

Just imagine the personal ad:

SWM seeks SWF for adventuring with my weird cat thing. Must love being evil, dressing up in hilarious costumes, wearing clothes that looks just like mine and coordinated chants about how cool we are. Please no smokers or fatties.

And the best part? It worked.

The unifying element in a lot of these Nintendo romances is that they are all about characters being in love who would otherwise never fall in love. Well we never really found out the nature of Team Rocket’s relationship, the fact that they even managed to find each other is staggering. I can tell you from experience, it is difficult to find someone who will recite a chant with you when you enter a room. Even if the chant is totally cool and awesome and would make people like us way more than they do now.

2. Mario and Peach, Various Titles

I searched for a picture of this couple, but found disturbing images the likes of which your average person was never meant to see. Suffice it to say that people tend to make several assumptions about both Mario and Peach, despite rarely seeing them out of uniform.

And you all know what they look like anyway.

What a storied romance these two have had over the years. Their photo album is filled with events like:

• The time Peach was kidnapped by Bowser in the Mushroom Kingdom.
• The time Mario had a dream in which he and Peach were in love and she could hover and pick beets really really well.
• The time Peach was kidnapped by Bowser in the Mushroom Kingdom AGAIN and Mario could turn into a half-racoon.
• The time Peach was kidnapped by Bowser on Dino Island.
• The time Peach tried to bake him a cake but things went terribly terribly wrong.
• The time Peach and Mario learned about the environment on Isle Delfino.
• The times they played every sport imaginable together.

It hasn’t all been wine, roses and kidnappings for this couple, however. Over the years there’s been other women: first Pauline, then Daisy. And you have to wonder how a relationship can survive one party hitting the other with a lightning bolt and sending their automobile tumbling down a chasm. But these two are always brought back together, generally because of a giant dinosaur.

1. Tetris Blocks, Tetris

There’s a lot to be said for romance as metaphor, and nowhere is that metaphor stronger than in Tetris. The game series that represents the sum total of all Russian creation — past, present and future — is won and lost based on the player’s ability to fit differently shaped blocks together. It’s a task that seems insurmountable, especially as things keep moving faster and faster but it, like love in the face of a world that will not stop, somehow happens. The pieces do fit, different as they all may seem, just as love endures.

Sure, all the pieces falling (writhing) together like that probably stands more as an endorsement for wild group sex than it does for monogamy, but really — as Kennedy said after the Cuban Missile Crisis — that’s Russia for you. They’re wacky.

Any more Nintendo Couples that move, inspire or arouse you? Let us know.

Full House was so monumental, and so influential. With plot lines like ‘DJ is wearing the same dress as the popular girl!’, ‘the kitchen wall was smashed in!’- this happened twice- and my personal favourite, ‘the creation of a successful all-ages-family-oriented music club where Kimmy Gibbler is a waitress’, that always ended in puppies, flowers and happiness in 22 minutes or less, Full House taught me how to live, how to love, how to lie, and most importantly, how to laugh.

So, what qualifies as Full House greatness? Well, after much thought, and internet research, I have compiled a list of the 10 greatest things that would not exist in pop culture today if it were not for Full House. So kick back, relax and enjoy the guilty pleasure that is the Full House alumni and their current B-list (and C-list and D-list) endeavors!

The 10 Greatest Full House Gifts to Popular Culture

Honourable Mention:Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate and Ashley are fascinating creatures. They run one of the biggest and richest ‘tween oriented companies on the planet. They own a PR firm that represents Al Gore, Snoop Dogg, Jennifer Garner, Chris Rock, Lindsay Lohan, Katie Holmes, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, and Jon Stewart, just to drop a few names. Their movies suck, they have no talent, and really they don’t do anything. This lack of anything-ness is what prevents them from actually getting on the list. However, it would be impossible to write anything about Full House without including them. Ladies and gentlemen, they are self-made half-size Paris Hiltons. They are just as rich, just as dumb, just as useless and just as fascinating. If New York Minute was awesomely bad we could applaud their ability to make fun of themselves and their celebrity. But, no, it was just plain awful. They make Lindsay, Britney, Nicole, and even Paris, look like talented and true thespians.

However, no one can ever take away this from them: “You got it, dude!”

#10: The religion inspired by Bob Saget

Oh, Danny Tanner. He taught us so much, didn’t he? He taught his young, motherless daughters several life lessons, the most important being how to be clean. And yet, Bob Saget was so much more! He was the annoying host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, and a shockingly dirty comic. No wonder there is an internet church dedicated to all that is Bob. Yes, it may be a simple webpage, but it’s not about what it looks like. It is about what is represents. And where would we all be without the moral guidance of Danny Tanner, the warm and family oriented laughter of those home movies, and the imminent shock of hearing Bob’s stand-up for the first time? Nowhere, that’s where.

#9: 1 vs. 100

Now, Bob has re-emerged as a prime time star on NBC! Earlier, Matt theorized as to why, Bob Saget of all people, was chosen for this endeavour. Regardless of why, 1 vs. 100 is the best game show on television right now (yes, Howie, it is better than your show). It’s not the concept, nor the contestants (both are annoyingly simple) nor the myriad of D- list celebrities (K-Fed! Wink Martindale! The infomercial guys! Adam West! Fabio! The list is endless!) Rather, it’s Bob’s own disbelief that he is hosting a game show, and his charming-yet-rude comments to anyone and everyone that makes it worth watching.

The clip below might be of the stupidest contestant ever in game show history:

#8: Candace Cameron finds Jesus

While she has never gone public with her opinion about her former television father’s own church, she has made it very clear in recent times that she loves Jesus. A lot. The best thing about this newfound love for Jesus? She stars in a movie with Randy Travis! Who else doesn’t love these country-singers-turned-actors? My personal favourite was when Randy was on Hey Arnold as country singer Travis Randall, but I am digressing.

Back to Jesus! Yes, Jesus! Full House has produced an interesting variety of former child stars. Whether you want to grow with God or try some meth (more on that later) or just starve yourself in oblivion, there is a role model for you!

#7: Andrea Who?

In my research for this article, I was astonished to find out that Andrea Barber- the one who played Kimmy- was leading a completely normal life. That’s not supposed to happen! She was a child star! And played a kooky character? Why isn’t SHE the one hooked on meth? All my child star theories have gone out the window, and its all Kimmy’s fault. I never liked her anyways.

However, the fact she is normal, is married, has a baby and has a normal job and no psychosomatic conditions to speak of, gives me hope. The path of a child star is not necessarily one of destruction. It’s a little ironic, don’t you think (foreshadow!) that Kimmy, of everyone who was on this show, is the normal one. It really breaks-down the world that was early nineties family-oreinted television. Perhaps she should become a life coach for Lindsay and Mary-Kate and all their pals. Or give motivational seminars. ‘How to be Normal Without Really Trying’ by Andrea Barber. It has potential.

#6: Stephanie Tanner, Recovering Addict

Well, if any one of the Tanner girls was going to become a druggie, Stephanie was the obvious choice. The under-appreciated overachiever has been heading down the dark dark road since Gia showed up on set. Who knew this would transfer over into real life? Now I know this isn’t new news, but it is in such a stark contrast to the goodness of Candace Cameron, you have to wonder how it all happened, despite it’s obvious inevitability. Was it the neglect? The bad influence of Uncle Jesse? Of Gia?The ruined dance career? The young marriage to a police officer? Living in Mary-Kate and Ashley’s shadow? The hard and fast lifestyle of being a former child star? Who knows? The best part of it all, is that John, Mary-Kate, Ashley, and Dave staged an intervention. That’s the kind of love that Full House was about. That and the desire to get in the news anyway one can after their career has tanked (This goes for all involved! Name one truly successful post-Full House career! Mary-Kate and Ashley don’t count! See? It’s tough! You’re stuck! Like a truck! In mud!)

#5: Candace and her Moral Movies

Now Jodie really should have taken a hint from Candace. If she wasn’t going to listen about Jesus, she should have went down to her local Blockbuster- or turned on the Women’s Network at any given moment- and Candace would be there, like the good friend and tv sister she is, to warn her about the dangers of drugs. And premarital sex (I wonder if that’s why Jodie got married at 20?!). And frat boys. And that it’s okay to say no. And anything else mildly bad any teenager or college student would encounter, Candace has covered it.

My personal favorite: She Cried No. Candace plays a college freshman who gets date-raped by Mark-Paul Gosselaar! Zack Morris! The boy who stopped time, wore loud sweaters, had an adorable cowlick and usually got the girl! Shocking, I say. Also, this movie is a who’s who of teen television stars: Six from Blossom plays Candace’s best friend, who (spoiler ahead) also gets raped.Oh, the drama is almost too much to take.

#4: John Stamos on ER

You have to feel bad for John Stamos. Playing Uncle Jesse has pushed him so far into a corner, it was impossible for him to act his way out of it. Thieves failed because nobody wanted Uncle Jesse to be a really bad guy! Just a pseudo-bad guy who, deep down has a heart of gold. Jake in Progress was just terrible. After a string of (brilliant!) guest appearances, Stamos is making his mark on prime-time television yet again. He is single handedly saving ER.

He plays a paramedic-turned-doctor! Who is a war vet! Who is illiterate! Also, I am fairly certain the writer at ER don’t even give him lines, they just put Stamos on set and let him react to stuff.

John Stamos’ thoughts while on set: She’s hot, I’d do her. This guy is an ass, I want to punch him! I want to stir some shit up, man. This is boring. Now, I’ll just wander around, hitting on girls, saving lives and being a cocky ass. What’s up? Be cool. Yeah, I am one super cool dude.

Here is a clip from when he was a lowly paramedic. There are better clips out there, but I am far too busy and important to wade through them all.

#3: I am Stamos

Back during the dark ages for Stamos, when his best part was a guest spot on Friends, some guys decided to make a short film about what it would be like to be John Stamos. After years of searching, the wonders of youtube has brought it to my very door with no effort whatsoever. I now delight in sharing the entire short film with you:
(warning: it’s 18:09 long. But so very very worth it).

#2: You Oughta Know

Back in grade six, Alanis Morissette was the shit. Jagged Little Pill had just come out and it was so angsty and raw and edgy, me and all my pre-teen friends needed it right that very second. Oh, you did too, don’t deny it. Even a decade later (fuck, I am old!) her angst rings true.

Rumor has it, one of her fiercer (okay, scarier….I would not want to be Alanis’ ex) songs, “You Oughta Know”, was written about Dave Coulier after he dumped her crazy Canadian ass. Yes, Joey! The man with the Popeye voice, creator of “cut it out”- complete with hand motion!- and who lived in an alcove in the living room for the first season! Just as it was shocking Bob Saget could be so dirty, the fact Dave Coulier could break someone’s heart to the point she felt the need to scream into a microphone ‘is she perverted like me/does she go done on you in the theater’ is equally shocking! Equally Stunning! Equally Appalling! Between Bob joking about raunchy sex and Dave actually doing it, it’s no wonder Mary-Kate and Ashley are crazy, Jodie is a drug addict and Candace found Jesus.

It also made me wonder what movie Alanis and Dave went to the night she went down on him.

#1: Rollin’ wit Saget

This music video requires no introduction:

Oh Bob. My respect for him grows more and more each and every day.

I bet all his scientist buddies were working on things like curing cancer or developing a new crazy kind of glue (but not Krazy Glue) and when all the scientists went out for drinks they would talk about their cool experiments and give each other high-fives, while Mr. I’m-working-on-finding-the-saddest-day-of-the-year just sort of sulked in the corner, and sighed.

Then he’d go home and measure his own level of sadness, and compare it to a variety of factors. Then he’d sigh, shuffle some papers around, mark his findings on a clipboard — “Not today,” he’d say to himself, in his lonely apartment, before crawling into bed and hoping that tomorrow he will finally find success.

But don’t let that bring you down, because the hypothetical scientist in question DID succeed! He found the saddest day of the year! And it was yesterday! Did you have a bad day? Were you depressed and lonely? I’d be concerned if you didn’t! Defying science is always a bad idea.

For BE-Something’s first Top 10, I thought I’d play on the theme of sadness and focus on some of TV’s saddest moments. These aren’t the saddest ever, by any means, as I haven’t seen enough TV nor thought long enough about this to make such declarative claims. I was also limited by what was already uploaded on youtube. But, still, they’re all sad moments, and I hope you keep them in mind for the saddest day of next year, when you shuffle about and stare at your shoes and wonder if you’ve already peaked in your life.

TV’s Saddest Moments

#10: Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Will Needs his Daddy

A sentimental choice. This may not have such an impact on me today, as I am jaded and cynical and generally think myself more emotionally mature than sitcoms about inner city youth coping with new life in Bel Air by teaching his rich uncle how to be hip and wearing his prep school jacket inside out, but this nearly killed me when I first watched it as a kid. I still have a soft spot for “Very Special Episodes” of sitcoms, because they just come out of nowhere. You’re enjoying the episode, laughing along, then all of the sudden the laugh track goes quiet for a long period of time, everyone starts talking all serious like, there are tears and raised tempers and the characters are hugging and oh no there’s a lump in my throat.

#9: Freaks and Geeks, Moving on and Growing Up

This is actually an odd choice, because the clip isn’t really all that sad, particularly because it turns hilarious toward the end and there is dancing, but I’m including it because the conversation at the beginning, between Nick and Lindsay, is so goddamn real it becomes sad in the best possible way. There’s nothing manipulative, sappy or otherwise cloying about this clip. It’s just a great conversation between two great characters with a subtext that conveys huge meaning. Freaks and Geeks still remains the best show ever made about growing up. And growing up is, in a lot of ways, inherently sad.

#8:Scrubs, Not How to Save a Life

I had a hard time picking just one episode from Scrubs for this list and in the end my choice surprised me. I think a lot of the other famous sad Scrubs moments rely heavily on the context of the episode, whereas this moment — from Season Five — is sad just on the strength of John C. McGinley’s performance. It’s not my favourite episode (it’s from a season that was, on the whole, pretty weak), nor is it my favourite song, but it’s by far one of the best Dr. Cox character moments of the entire series, and it physically hurts me to watch him overturn that zappy medical machine. (Technical term.)

#7: 24, Chapelle’s Show

There’s a major spoiler for Season 3 of 24 in the clip above.
Again, there were a bunch of 24 scenes that could have made the cut for this list, but I picked this one because I love the way it’s written. With a death scene like this, there’s a tendency for writers to attempt to make the character more noble and heroic before the end. It’s that they entirely resist that tendency with this scene that make it so powerful. His characterization is consistent until the bullet enters (and exits) his head, and that makes it all the more sadder. “I don’t really have many friends — just the people from work.”

#6: The Office (UK) Brent is Redundant

It’s difficult to believe that Ricky Gervais had no previous acting experience before The Office, especially watching scenes like this. In less than a minute, he washes away any animosity we had toward the David Brent character, and reduces him to a pitiable man, who wants nothing more than to work at a paper company.

#5: Veronica Mars, MY Name is Cassidy

Major spoilers for Veronica Mars Season 2 in the clip above.
Seriously, don’t hit play if you have any intention of ever watching the Veronica Mars DVD — everything is revealed. And it’s that resolution that makes this so tragic. There’s so much here — so many fucked up actions, convoluted explanations, and tied-together culminations — and in the end it’s really just mostly tragic. He’s not evil, despite all the evil fucking things he did, and that makes it so much worse when he takes that step.

#4: Six Feet Under, Losing Lisa

Major Spoilers for Season 2 and 3 of Six Feet Under in the clip above.

This one is sad even without the context, just because burying corpses in what is apparently an environmentally-friendly fashion does not seem any fun at all, but knowing what’s really going through Nate Fisher’s head as he does what he needs to do makes it so much worse. He was never happy with her. Hell, he never even liked her or her principles or the way she wanted to live her life. But he does this thing for her, even after she’s gone, because it’s the right thing to do. And, man, I bet it smells really really bad.

#3: ER, Two Stabbings for the Prince of One

Aw man. I knew this was coming when I first saw this — I’ve always thought I was too cool for ER except for a brief period in second year when I watched some 200 episodes in a one-month span — but it’s still an exceptional scene. So much freaking tension leading up to the knife going in, and then that fateful moment where he sees his favourite med student on the floor across from him. And then he says her name.

It’s even worse knowing that she dies in the next episode.

#2: Nip/Tuck Packed my Bags Last Night, Pre-Flight

Spoilers for the first season of Nip/Tuck in the clip above.
The first season of Nip/Tuck was incredible television. it seems hard to believe, given that the show has descended into entirely campy melodrama and stupid shock tactics and kids who have lobster hands but, when it started, it was just really great drama. The first season is packed with great, sad moments, but none sadder than this. If you’re not feeling yourself affected by the first few minutes, just wait until the plastic bag — that’s what always does it for me.

#1: The West Wing, There Are Two Cathedrals

This is probably my favourite televised scene ever, so maybe I’m biased, but in addition to being just great overall, it’s also incredible sad. You have the President of the United States — perhaps the best president ever, despite being fictional — who has been battling not only the disease of MS, but also a public who thinks he’s unfit to serve his country because of that disease, who has been shot, seen war and faced national tragedies and, to cap it all off, his personal secretary, with him since the beginning, has died, suddenly. And so he stands in the cathedral and, in latin, calls God out for being a son of a bitch. And then he puts out his cigarette in front of the alter.

Awesome, inspiring, moving and tragic. But just so you know: we never did get Hoynes.

Have favourite sad moments of your own? Let us know where we went wrong.